The Superficial - Because You're Ugly

Angelina Jolie is leggy

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 15:45:00 -0500

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie attended the 14th Annual Critics Choice Award last night where they were nominated for various categories and basically lost in every single one. But even more amazing, is that I could see Angelina Jolie's legs and there wasn't a newborn baby sliding down them. Unless he read the instructions on her cervix and did a "tuck and roll" in between shutter flashes. Smart kid.

Photos: Splash News

Jessica & Ashlee Simpson get their drink on

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 14:30:00 -0500

Jessica and Ashlee Simpson had a girls night out at Bar Deluxe Thursday. I'm going to assume Ashlee wasn't drinking since she's breastfeeding, but hey, it's not like Pete can't fill in for the night. Xanax-flavored breast milk: Kids love it! In the meantime, whoever's working the collagen gun at Jessica's doctor's office really needs to stop having Nam flashbacks on the clock. This shit's getting out of hand.

Photos: Pacific Coast News

Amy Winehouse can't be doing what I think she's doing

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 13:00:00 -0500

So, yeah, if that's not Amy Winehouse peeing while standing up, I don't know what is. This explains what she was adjusting in those bikini pics from last week. I almost feel bad for her "boyfriend" Joshua Bowman who was looking for some free publicity to boost his acting career. And by almost feel bad I mean I've been pointing at my monitor and laughing for the past ten minutes straight. But, seriously, at the end of the day, is anyone really surprised to find out Amy Winehouse has a penis? With all the drugs she's done, I'd bet money there's another one down there. And it's shaped like a stegosaurus.

Photos: Splash News

Audrina Patridge in a bikini

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 12:00:00 -0500

These are shots of Audrina Patridge on vacation in Cabo that she posted on her official website. Of all The Hills stars, I think I respect Audrina the most. But only because she recognizes the fact that people just want to see her oddly-spaced cans. You can't teach that kind of talent. Believe me, I've tried, and those nuns were surprisingly adamant about filing a restraining order afterward.

Photos: Audrina Patridge

Tom Cruise speaks about Jett Travolta's death

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 11:00:00 -0500

Tom Cruise stopped by The View yesterday to promote his new film Valkyrie. He ended up speaking about the death of his fellow Scientologist John Travolta's son Jett, according to People:

"I just don't have the words for it," says Cruise. "It's just horrific. Here you have a man, both of them doting parents, they're wonderful people and…"
As for speculation that the Travoltas did not seek medical help for Jett, who had a history of seizures, because of their Scientology beliefs, Cruise, also a Scientologist, says the religion does not discourage medical attention.
"That's just not true," he says. "They say, 'Get your physical, get your medication, get your physical illnesses handled.'"

Okay, good. For a minute there I thought Tom Cruise might exploit a horrible tragedy to do PR for the Church of Scientology and openly defend their practices on a national venue. But, c'mon, no one's that big of a dick. Video after the jump.

Photos: Splash News

The Superficial presents Plastic Surgery Gone WTF

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 20:00:00 -0500

Welcome to The Superficial's Gallery of Mangled Celebs. Here you'll find a pictorial cavalcade of stars (With bitching commentary of course.) who thought they could cheat nature but ended up looking like, well, see for yourself.... Click here for an experience that makes Nip/Tuck look like just a show about plastic surgery.

Kim Kardashian still has a giant butt. You may sleep at night now.

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 17:45:00 -0500

It's been a while since I've posted about Kim Kardashian, so here she is shopping in Beverly Hills last night in case some of you were wondering if her ass can still double as an aircraft carrier: Yup. Feel to start the ticker tape parade and declare me a national treasure now. Goddamn, did I earn it.

Photos: Flynet, Splash News

Jake Gyllenhaal is apparently a tough guy now

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 17:30:00 -0500

Remember when Jake Gyllenhaal would always play the role of the wistful outcast teenager who mumbled all his lines? Well, somebody just sold that kid some steroids. I'm not about to point any fingers here, but if Reese Witherspoon doesn't fit the M.O. of a drug dealer, then I just gave the cops a really bad tip. And might've told them her chin was a deadly weapon. I'm going to Google non-extradition countries now.

Photos: Splash News

Heidi Montag takes inevitable step toward becoming human billboard

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 14:15:00 -0500

Heidi Montag had her nails painted with the Chanel logo while shopping in Beverly Hills yesterday and, wow, what a huge mistake. If you're going to advertise your company on Soulless Barbie here, you probably want to chose a bit more visible location. Something that grabs your eyes and doesn't let go. I'm talking, of course, about Heidi's large, heaving chin. On a related note, if you own stock in Chanel, congratulations. You're poor now.

Photos: Pacific Coast News

Drew Barrymore attempts to pick up Kevin Connolly - literally. He's very small.

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 13:15:00 -0500

Drew Barrymore is looking to add "Elf Fucker" to her resume. She was recently seen hitting on Entourage star Kevin Connolly who wanted nothing to do with that, according to The National Enquirer:

Drew, 33, and Kevin, 34, were spotted having drinks together at the Laurel Tavern in Studio City, Calif, on Dec. 21. While Drew poured on the charm with touchy-feeling gestures, Kevin played it cool and barely showed her any affection at all.
“Drew was practically throwing herself at Kevin,” an eyewitness revealed. “They were at the tavern for almost two hours, and Drew was definitely the one initiating all the physical contact.”

You know, I really shouldn't make fun of Drew Barrymore. She's out there providing a charitable service to actors who would otherwise never get laid. Your Justin Longs, Tom Greens and an apparently picky Kevin Connolly. Beggars can't be choosers, dawg. Excuse me while I close my garage door on my hands for that last sentence. Bad Superficial Writer. Bad. No.

Photos: WENN

Paris Hilton hasn't done that many guys

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Because no sane person ever will, Paris Hilton is defending her own honor in the pages of Glamour where she claims to have slept with only a few guys and isn't a walking stick of promiscuity:

"I've only ever done it with a couple of people. People make up stories, but mostly I just kiss. I think it's important to play hard to get. Nobody wants the fake Prada bag - they want the brand new bag that no one can get and is the most expensive. If you give it up to a guy he won't respect you. He'll want you much more if he can't have you."

Okay, here's the part of the post where I equate Paris Hilton's vagina with one of those hazardous waste trashcans you see at the doctor's office, but instead, I'm going to open myself up a bit and share a little experience I just had. This is a 100% true story. Alright, deep breath, here goes: Last night, I had a dream about Paris Hilton. In this dream I'm carrying Paris through at least five feet snow up to this cliff. As we're talking it turns out we were married at one point then quickly divorced, but now we're off to a condo on the beach to "rekindle our love," if you will. So, I'm carrying Paris and wading through all this snow to get to the top of the cliff which overlooks the ocean. There we'll jump off then swim to our destination. Except the snow starts getting really high and I lose my footing, trip and start getting buried in the snow. That's when I wake up. I don't know if any of you guys are dream experts, but I have a tumor, don't I? Awesome.

Photos: Pacific Coast News

Lindsay Lohan no longer fake lesbianating?

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 10:45:00 -0500

Rampant speculation has ensued since the New Year that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are no longer pretending to be a fake lesbian couple in a vain effort to rejuvenate Lindsay's career. TMZ is reporting the two are indeed broken up and living separately:

We know Lindsay moved out of Sam's house and is staying with Jen, her manager. Lindsay wants back with Sam. Are they back together -- who knows? Did they split? Yes.

I don't believe this malarkey for one second. Until reports of severely charred penises start pouring in like a freakin' avalanche, I'm chalking this up as another publicity stunt. Lindsay, if you're reading this, here's a sure-fire (heh) way to revive your career: WORK! Stash the diva shit, find a project and act your freckles off. Then when it's all said and done, you can stop this lesbo charade and freely pursue your undying love of cock. UPDATE: Lindsay Lohan has just agreed to work for free in a new independent film. Her publicist released the following statement: "Lindsay has requested that all the men stop by her trailer. Repeat. All of them."

Photos: Flynet

Kevin Federline's new girlfriend has money problems (Dear Irony, I love you.)

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 17:15:00 -0500

Kevin Feder - holy shit! Ladies and gentleman, I've solved the mystery of where Kevin's children from Shar Jackson went. Moving on. Kevin's new girlfriend Victoria Prince apparently has some money problems and could be looking to get her hands on some sweet Britney money. TMZ reports:

Sources tell TMZ Victoria Prince was booted from her Beverly Hills home back in September after she allegedly didn't pay rent for six months. We're told she struck a deal with her landlord to pay him back in installments, but she never made any of the payments.
Now, the landlord is suing Prince for $7500, but there's a catch -- nobody knows where to find her!
We're told her landlord tried to serve her where she works, but security wouldn't let the process server in.

Look, I'm not about to insinuate this Victoria person is planning to use her vagina as an ATM by pumping out some K-Babies. However, I did see her install a security camera and one of those trash cans for receipts, so make of that what you will.

Photos: Flynet

Mischa Barton in a bikini

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 16:15:00 -0500

Mischa Barton posted some bikini pics on her website from the beaches of Goa. And, seriously, kudos to Mischa for not entirely airbrushing out the cellulite. Most celebs would've covered that shit right up. Including myself who'd probably pay George Lucas to CGI my leg into an X-Wing fighter. Ladies?

Photo: Mischa Barton

Sarah Jessica Parker is packing her bags

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 15:15:00 -0500

Seen here apparently wearing my bathrobe in public, Sarah Jessica Parker is getting the ready to hit the ol' dusty trail and move away from the allegedly unfaithful Matthew Broderick, according to Star:

"The time has come when she realizes it just isn't worth it," a friend of the couple tells Star. "Sarah Jessica is determined to get her own place and bring down the curtain on her marriage."
Adds another insider: "Sarah's not stupid. She knows exactly what's going on. For a while it was easier for her to stay than go through a harsh divorce. They're essentially living separate lives."

Matthew Broderick's penis released the following statement:

I'm still not coming out and you can't make me. Not without a coroner's report, and I'm allowed to identify the body. Oh, God, there she is! Wait. Just a horse. Just a horse.

Photos: Splash News