Sep 22 2009Eva Longoria is cleavagey and other news
- Billy Joel buys finds a new prostitute lady prostitute. [PopEater]
- Miley Cyrus wants to be a "lawer." [Lainey Gossip]
- Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. welcomed a baby girl Saturday but didn't name her Buffy which immediately makes me question why I just posted this. [Just Jared]
- Olivia Wilde is apparently married to Shaggy from Scooby Doo. [PopSugar]
- Tom Cruise spends his afternoon reminding Katie Holmes she'll never outrun him. No matter how deliciously manly she makes her physique. [Celebslam]
- Jennifer Garner is considered attractive, right? .... Why? [Socialite Life]
- Mary-Kate Olsen continues to dress like an 83-year-old British nanny. [ICYDK]
- Gisele Bundchen thinks being pregnant is a good time to learn how to fly a helicopter. Was shark fighting class filled up? [Splash News]
Jan 14 2009Jennifer Garner & Ben Affleck's new baby's name proves I'm 33.3% omnipotent
Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have revealed their new baby girl's name to the folks at People, and it's Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck - which sounds oddly familiar. Hmm, let's take a look at the post some handsome devil wrote when the baby was born:
I happen to have the name of Jennifer and Ben's new baby girl right here. It's "God, I Wish You Were a Viable Acting Career Instead of a Baby Elizabeth Affleck."
Yup, it's official: I'm psychic. Of course, I already knew that and will now predict today's PowerBall:
4, Panda bear, F7, &, Burrito with a jetpack, 6, Elmo.
I'll be in touch to discuss my cut of the winnings. I know where you live.
Continue Reading "Jennifer Garner & Ben Affleck's new baby's name proves I'm 33.3% omnipotent"
Jan 7 2009Jennifer Garner has a baby girl
Hey, remember Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck? Me neither, but apparently they had some sort of kid yesterday, according to People:
The actress's rep says: "Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck gave birth to a healthy baby girl."
The baby was born Tuesday in Los Angeles. No other details were immediately available. Garner and Affleck, both 36, are also parents to daughter Violet, 3.
Since I'm devilishly handsome, I happen to have the name of Jennifer and Ben's new baby girl right here. It's "God, I Wish You Were a Viable Acting Career Instead of a Baby Elizabeth Affleck." Now that's adorable. Congratulations, you crazy kids.
Nov 20 2008Jennifer Garner has her very own stalker (Aww...)
Jennifer Garner is a pretty smart mom. She's read all the books and knows there's one thing to definitely avoid during pregnancy: A crazed lunatic who claims to hear directly from God. (Sarah Palin?) Which is why she recently filed a restraining order against the man who's been stalking her since 2002, according to Star:
In papers filed in Los Angeles Superior Court on Nov. 7, the mom-to-be asks for protection against Steven R. Burky, 36, who she alleges has "engaged in obsessive and harassing behavior, posting about me on the Internet, sending me multiple packages and letters containing delusional and paranoid thoughts and following me around the country, through multiple states, to make contact with me."
Jennifer's sworn affidavit states that Burky has shown up at her private residence — where she lives with hubby Ben Affleck and their 2-year-old, Violet — and said that "God sent him a vision" that the actress would be persecuted in a way that could result in her death.
Why do stalkers always seem to have a shitload of frequent flier miles? This guy apparently followed Jennifer Garner "around the country, through multiple states." Jesus. Do you know the last time I went on vacation? I was eight. And it wasn't so much a vacation as my dad telling me that mowing the yard was this "Disney Land" all my friends were talking about. It wasn't. But I did get bit by a snake and hallucinated Goofy stabbed him with the hedge clippers. Ha ha! That's not how you give someone a handshake.
EDIT: Added a pic of Crazy Crazystein along with copies of some of the letters he sent Jennifer Garner. In case you want to make your own stalker letters at home with a friend.
Continue Reading "Jennifer Garner has her very own stalker (Aww...)"
Jul 18 2008Jennifer Garner is definitely pregnant
Apparently, there's much speculation over the state of Jennifer Garner's uterus. I, on the other hand, forgot she even existed. However, I can now report a Ben Affleck sperm has indeed collided with her egg. Jennifer's Alias co-star Victor Garber confirmed the news to Us Magazine proving his ability to keep a secret is pretty fucking weak:
"Yes, she is," Garber - who officiated the couple's 2005 wedding - told Us when asked if recent speculation was true that the couple is expecting.
A source adds, "She is five months pregnant. They are very happy."
Now Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner will have something to do while they're not acting. Christ, when's the last time one of them was in a movie? Hold on, I just remembered Daredevil. Searing pain.... Want to die.... And, phew! Made it. Yeah, in hindsight, this is AWESOME news. They should shoot for a third one right away. Actually, you know what? Fuck it. Adopt! Just scoop some kids up from a day care and go all Brad and Angelina. I hear it's a blast. Ha ha! Please don't act again.
Feb 25 2008The Oscars: Ladies of the Red Carpet
Scope it out. Here's some of Hollywood's hottest ladies on the red carpet at last night's Oscars: Heidi Klum, Jennifer Garner, Jessica Alba, Katherine Heigl and Best Actress winner Marion Cotillard. Feel free to pick them apart, marvel at them or perhaps throw a tuna sandwich at the screen. It's your call. Me? I'll be sitting here making Grey's Anatomy star Katherine Heigl watch me build a spaceship out of LEGOs at my desk. Yeah, let's see Patrick Dempsey make awesome laser sounds then get yelled at by his boss. McDreamy ain't got nothing on me.
Jan 15 2008Jennifer Garner shot down Tom Cruise
Before marrying Katie Holmes and turning her into a zombie, Tom Cruise tried having relationships with Penelope Cruz and Sofia Vergara. He also unsuccessfully tried to land Ben Affleck’s current bride Jennifer Garner, according to Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography written by Princess Di biographer Andrew Morton. Us Weekly reports:
Morton writes that Cruise left messages on the Alias star's voice mail in 2004 asking "if she knew what freedom was," but his advances were rebuffed.
Tom Cruise’s pick-up line: Do you know what freedom is? I’m pretty sure it doesn’t involve standing on a step-stool that reads “Tommy’s Helper” to wash your hands. That’s just my educated guess. Of course, I can’t say I’ve ever felt the thrill of driving a car with alphabet blocks strapped to my feet, so maybe Tom Cruise knows something I don’t.
Sep 18 2007Jennifer Garner is filler
Hey guys, I woke up feeling shitty as hell so I'm not sure how many posts I can get up today. I don't want to exaggerate, but doctors tell me it's Ebola. I thought I'd be able to make it through the day, but it's hitting me harder and harder and all I want to do is curl up in my closet and work on my will. I took a bunch of NyQuil, so if posts go up erratically (or not at all) assume it's because I'm falling in and out of consciousness. In three hours I predict I'll confuse a bowl of soup for my computer and wonder why my internet is so slow (and delicious!).
To make up for having the immune system of an infant, here are some shots of Jennifer Garner looking pretty amazing at the world premiere of The Kingdom.
