The Superficial - Because You're Uglytag:thesuperficial.com,2008://12008-05-14T20:52:56ZMovable Type Publishing Platform 4.01Lily Allen's boobs say 'How do you do?'tag:thesuperficial.com,2008://1.200022008-05-14T20:55:00Z2008-05-14T20:52:56Z British singer Lily Allen kicked it "Breasts in the Wind" style while vacationing in Cap d'Antibes, France. I'll assume "d'Antibes" is French talk for "Nipple Fountain on the side of a freaking cliff." For those of you who don't...The Superficial Staff
British singer Lily Allen kicked it "Breasts in the Wind" style while vacationing in Cap d'Antibes, France. I'll assume "d'Antibes" is French talk for "Nipple Fountain on the side of a freaking cliff." For those of you who don't know who Lily Allen is, allow me to fill you in on the relevant info: She's the topless chick in the photos I just posted.
NOTE: These pics are 100% NSFW and an excellent source of boob-tassium, I might add.
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Angelina Jolie confirms she's having twinstag:thesuperficial.com,2008://1.199922008-05-14T19:30:00Z2008-05-14T19:39:49Z Angelina Jolie confirmed today that she is definitely sporting double fetuseses. She had no choice in the matter after Jack Black accidentally spilled the beans then sang a goofy song with his guitar. Us Magazine reports: Jolie confirmed the...The Superficial Staff
Angelina Jolie confirmed today that she is definitely sporting double fetuseses. She had no choice in the matter after Jack Black accidentally spilled the beans then sang a goofy song with his guitar. Us Magazine reports:
Jolie confirmed the news that has long been rumored: she and beau Brad Pitt are expecting twins. Her Kung Fu Panda co-star Jack Black let the news slip during an interview about the movie that took place this afternoon at the Cannes Film Festival in France.
For those keeping score at home, this brings the Pitt-Jolie's one baby closer to TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION. Better start brushing up on your Pitt-Jolie-ese. Feel free to practice by translating the following examples. (Hint: Don't forget to conjugate the verbs.):
1. Baby uterus adopt the ridiculously good looking with the procreate.
2. Monster boobs!
3. Charity UN the fallopian tube Brad pecs.
4. What the fuck happened to Ed Norton's career?
Answer Key: 1. Please put mustard on my sandwich. 2. Hello! (Formal.) 3. The bathroom is the second door to the left. 4. What the fuck happened to Ed Norton's career?
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Madonna's got this whole 'Mom' thing figured outtag:thesuperficial.com,2008://1.199722008-05-14T18:40:00Z2008-05-14T18:48:50Z Madonna weighed in on Britney Spears' lack of a normal childhood and blamed it as the cause of her insanity. Fortunately, Madonna's kids have absolutely no interest in fame, according toPeople: In fact, they clamor for a "normal mom."...The Superficial Staff
Madonna weighed in on Britney Spears' lack of a normal childhood and blamed it as the cause of her insanity. Fortunately, Madonna's kids have absolutely no interest in fame, according toPeople:
In fact, they clamor for a "normal mom." Asked if they give her a hard time for working so much, Madonna say, "Yeah! 'When are you coming home?' 'Why are you always working?' 'Why can't you just be like a normal mom?' I just remind them about all the things that they have, and that if I didn't do what I did they wouldn’t have those things."
So what are the perks? "They get to travel a lot, they get to do a lot of interesting things and meet a lot of interesting people. Usually that shuts them up."
Way to be, Madonna! You truly kick ass at being a mom. Because nothing produces well-rounded children like teaching them material objects are the key to happiness and are a suitable replacement for a mother who's got more important things to do then spend time with you. It's practically a wholesome family episode of Leave it to Beaver. Except this one ends with Lourdes snorting coke off of Joe Francis' coffee table.
NOTE: Glad to see Madonna covering up "The Guns of Navarone" while in public. THANK YOU!
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Nicole Richie wants Joel Madden's balls roasting on an open firetag:thesuperficial.com,2008://1.199622008-05-14T17:40:00Z2008-05-14T17:46:41Z First off, I'm not going to deny that I'm taking extreme pleasure in finally not being the one whose light-years behind on a story. (Thought I gotta admit, I'm pretty good at it.) Star, who can no longer remain...The Superficial Staff
First off, I'm not going to deny that I'm taking extreme pleasure in finally not being the one whose light-years behind on a story. (Thought I gotta admit, I'm pretty good at it.) Star, who can no longer remain smug in their finery, is just now reporting on the Joel Madden/Lindsay Lohan flirting debacle. Yeah, sure Star has inside details on Nicole Richie's reaction, but you know what I say to that? HA HA FRIST!:
The Good Charlotte rocker seemed more interested in a seductive Lindsay than in spinning records.
"Their heads were practically touching, and he had his leg over hers," says one onlooker. "Joel has a flirtatious side, and he definitely wasn't turning her away."
Making the situation worse, Nicole frantically tried to call Joel, but he wasn't answering his phone.
"He was so zeroed in on Lindsay, he never heard his cell ring," a friend of the couple tells Star. "Nicole felt so incredibly helpless and upset that she threw her phone against the wall in a rage."
I really can't fault Joel Madden for flirting with The Boobed One. When you look like Elmer Fudd's retarded twin brother, you take all the lady attention you can get. You know, before they sober up and realize Good Charlotte is a form of torture in some countries (i.e. This one.)
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Pete Doherty, quit Bogart-ing all the Winehouse. Jerk.tag:thesuperficial.com,2008://1.199522008-05-14T16:15:00Z2008-05-14T16:31:29Z Either I'm hallucinating from the bottle of Benadryl I just downed (stupid allergies) or God really hates my eyes - with a vengeance generally reserved for Revelations. These are pics of Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty sharing a creepy-ass...The Superficial Staff
Either I'm hallucinating from the bottle of Benadryl I just downed (stupid allergies) or God really hates my eyes - with a vengeance generally reserved for Revelations. These are pics of Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty sharing a creepy-ass kiss at a party she threw last night. I gotta admit, partying with Amy Winehouse would be off the chain gang. I mean, you know you're going to see a human corpse by the end of the night. And I'm not just talking about Amy.
Thanks to Hattie who's a Hottie Boom-Blattie.
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Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon throw kickass children's party - for themselvestag:thesuperficial.com,2008://1.199422008-05-14T15:00:00Z2008-05-14T15:19:43Z Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon rented out Six Flags Magic Mountain last night for a post-wedding bash. Hip Hollywood has the exclusive details and photos of cupcakes. I, on the other hand, am quoting their site and posting an...The Superficial Staff
Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon rented out Six Flags Magic Mountain last night for a post-wedding bash. Hip Hollywood has the exclusive details and photos of cupcakes. I, on the other hand, am quoting their site and posting an airbrushed pic of Mariah in a bikini from the new Vibe. I WIN! And now on to the party:
Cannon shut down the park, at a cost in the mid-six figure range, so that he and Mariah could party with 100 friends and family. Nick had the park decorated in pink and purple balloons with Carey’s signature butterflies also a fixture. Mariah’s album was playing throughout the park the entire evening, and each guest received a pink or red Superman cape as a gift.
The couple arrived a little after 8PM, greeted friends, then headed straight to the parks’ flying rollercoaster, Tatsu. On the way Nick shot baskets with his buddies as his wife cheered him on. After a wild ride, the couple wanted to go again, but instead headed to the reception to greet guests. At
the reception, they milled about with friends and family, all the while, holding hands and embracing in between conversations.
Okay, going to weddings is boring enough. But how lame must it be to have to watch your newly married friends ride roller coasters? Oh, wow, look at them move around the track and stuff. Whee. Is there a whiskey fountain at this thing? Or, shit, how about heroin? Is there a junkie in the park? Junkie! Looking for a junkie.
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Britney Spears gets behind the wheel, crash-larity ensuestag:thesuperficial.com,2008://1.199322008-05-14T12:55:00Z2008-05-14T04:11:36Z Britney Spears seems to have started a new tradition: Whenever her latest cameo in How I Met Your Mother airs, Britney goes out and rear-ends random people with her Mercedes. Good for her! Of course, some might say Britney...The Superficial Staff
Britney Spears seems to have started a new tradition: Whenever her latest cameo in How I Met Your Mother airs, Britney goes out and rear-ends random people with her Mercedes. Good for her! Of course, some might say Britney is actually honoring an even older tradition: Anytime she gets behind the wheel - SHE FUCKING AIMS TO KILL! TMZ reports:
Brit hit a red Ford Explorer, driven by a lady. No injuries, as far as we know -- Britney didn't even get out of the car. Her bodyguard got out and talked to the other woman.
The red Explorer Brit hit is now following her back to Britney's home.
Britney was stopped at a light and, for some reason, accelerated when the light was still red, hitting the Explorer stopped in front of her, causing minor damage.
Let's stop beating around the bush, and just give Britney a bumper car to drive on the freeway. That way people can see the little pole zipping at them and take evasive action. Like diving out the sun roof or using their kid as an airbag. You know, safety stuff.
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Kim Kardashian goes for cellulite removal?! GASP!tag:thesuperficial.com,2008://1.198722008-05-13T21:25:00Z2008-05-13T21:08:20Z Kim Kardashian revealed on this weekend's episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians that she has cellulite treatment done on her planet-sized posterior. I'm just as shocked as you are. But for those of you wanting an up-close look...The Superficial Staff
Kim Kardashian revealed on this weekend's episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians that she has cellulite treatment done on her planet-sized posterior. I'm just as shocked as you are. But for those of you wanting an up-close look at Kim's ass, definitely scope out the video after the jump of her full-on butt-sanding. If this episode doesn't win an Emmy, there is no God. Okay, maybe there is and he's a jerk that hates fat chicks. I dunno, I'm not a priest - yet. I'm applying online to be one right now actually. Okay, here's the final question: "Can you make shit up?" Hell yeah I can! *clicks 'Yes'* Boom! I'm an ordained minister! Kickass! Anyone got a baby I can baptize? We'll have to use my garden hose, but don't worry, I'll bless it first.
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Heidi & Spencer: Oh yeah, these two should get cat AIDStag:thesuperficial.com,2008://1.199022008-05-13T20:40:00Z2008-05-13T20:49:21Z Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt posed for some fake Mother's Day photos with Heidi's mom. I almost had a heart attack when I found out it was actually her real mom. Heidi and Spencer did something real?! Why is...The Superficial Staff
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt posed for some fake Mother's Day photos with Heidi's mom. I almost had a heart attack when I found out it was actually her real mom. Heidi and Spencer did something real?! Why is the room suddenly spinning? Anyway, these photos prove that there's not a holiday out there these two assclowns won't ruin with photos that would make Norman Rockwell shit a cactus. That said, I'm looking forward to Heidi and Spencer's Kwanzaa photos later this year. Should be tasteful, and, God willing, the cause of death on the coroner's report.
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Britney Spears does it Doogie-styletag:thesuperficial.com,2008://1.198922008-05-13T19:30:00Z2008-05-13T20:04:32Z Britney Spears made her second appearance last night on the CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother. Because I don't hate myself, I didn't watch it and opted to drink wine out of box. But I did, however, download...The Superficial Staff
Britney Spears made her second appearance last night on the CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother. Because I don't hate myself, I didn't watch it and opted to drink wine out of box. But I did, however, download these pics taken from the episode and I think I pretty much figured the plot out myself: 1.) Britney meets Doogie who, like most gay men, is oddly obsessed with her breasts and knows he'll totally get away with touching them. 2.) Britney and the Doog fool around, but Doogie is wearing metal briefs - on account of the cooch. 3.) Doogie proposes to Britney to shut up his Republican grandmother. 4.) Britney almost accepts. 5.) Britney opts to have phone sex with K-Fed instead. 6.) K-Fed sends Britney a lovely "Thank You" card. You know, for the phone sex. Roll credits!
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Mandy Moore: Why is Ryan Adams touching my boobs - in a comic book store?tag:thesuperficial.com,2008://1.199222008-05-13T18:30:00Z2008-05-13T19:43:38Z Folk singer Ryan Adams stole my signature move and took Mandy Moore out for a date yesterday - to the the comic book store. Now there's two things I love more than life itself: boobs and comics. And right...The Superficial Staff
Folk singer Ryan Adams stole my signature move and took Mandy Moore out for a date yesterday - to the the comic book store. Now there's two things I love more than life itself: boobs and comics. And right now Rick Moranis' mutant love child has his hands on both. Had I known Mandy Moore was into my secret obsession, I would've asked her out years ago. Then I would've totally seduced her with old issues of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where they all had red headbands. I'm practically Casanova over here!
Dedicated to Mike in Virginia who can finally read a post involving Ryan Adams, Mandy Moore and comics. Try not to spill your Tom Collins in a fit of dorkish joy.
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Eva Mendes' chest makes a kickass beverage tray tag:thesuperficial.com,2008://1.198022008-05-13T16:45:00Z2008-05-13T16:48:52Z These are come crazy ass topless pics of Eva Mendes in the latest issue of Vogue Italia. All I know is, I'm moving to Italy and stocking my house full of Eva Mendes' Boobs/Drink Trays. Where do I pick...The Superficial Staff
These are come crazy ass topless pics of Eva Mendes in the latest issue of Vogue Italia. All I know is, I'm moving to Italy and stocking my house full of Eva Mendes' Boobs/Drink Trays. Where do I pick something like that up? Pier 1? Or this more of an IKEA item? I get most of my furniture from the junk yard. People laughed when I made a bed out of old washing machines. But who's laughing now? Me! And not just because of the tetanus.
Thanks to Selene who doubles as a sexy armoire.
NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions that, even uncensored, are some bizarro shit.
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EXCLUSIVE: Tony Romo disses Jessica Simpson's bedroom skillstag:thesuperficial.com,2008://1.198822008-05-13T15:45:00Z2008-05-13T17:19:43Z Tony Romo went buck wild this weekend in Chicago and reports are coming in that he decided to get plastered and break up with Jessica Simpson - without telling her. These Boots are Made For Stalking broke the story...The Superficial Staff
Tony Romo went buck wild this weekend in Chicago and reports are coming in that he decided to get plastered and break up with Jessica Simpson - without telling her. These Boots are Made For Stalking broke the story after one of Tony's friends informed them the Dallas quarterback was all over the ladies. The Superficial received an e-mail from an anonymous source that jives with Tony's buddies' tales and offers some more dirt on his night out. Here's the exclusive details:
Tony Romo was in town, and he was bar hopping with some buddies of his from Chicago. He had the nerve to put Jessica on speakerphone and talk about their sex life with all his guys listening and laughing at her. Not only is this girl dumb, but she is completely self conscious about her bedroom skills. After a few too many drinks, he told everyone he and Jessica are over. They are taking a "break." He could never see himself being serious and marrying this girl. He's just having fun with her. It's funny everyone is talking about them getting married when they are completely over. Sorry Jessica, Tony had his fun with you, and now is on to bigger and better things.
Not to be content with just one exclusive, here's my exclusive letter to Jessica Simpson where I try to touch her exclusive boobs:
Dear Sweet Jessica,
I, too, suck in the sack. I mean, I'm freaking terrible. I've got references if you need them, so call me up and we'll get down with some mediocre rebounding.
My number is 1-800-I-SWEAR-THIS-NEVER-HAPPENED-BEFORE.
Oh, and also, I'm really good at not making eye contact during conversations, so we're practically a match made in heaven!
Your Knight in Sort of Shiny Armor But Really Just His Boxers,
The Superficial Writer
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Sarah Jessica Parker finds a way to distract me from her face - THANK YOU!tag:thesuperficial.com,2008://1.199122008-05-13T14:40:00Z2008-05-13T14:49:31Z Sarah Jessica Parker attended the London premiere of Sex and the City: The Movie yesterday. It would appear that, earlier in the day, Sarah Jessica decided to pay somebody real money for the ten-foot tall vegetation jutting out of...The Superficial Staff
Sarah Jessica Parker attended the London premiere of Sex and the City: The Movie yesterday. It would appear that, earlier in the day, Sarah Jessica decided to pay somebody real money for the ten-foot tall vegetation jutting out of her head. Because there's nothing like showing up for the most relevant thing you've done in the past five years looking like Carmen Miranda's retarded step-sister - who's also a zombie.
NOTE: Kim "The Slutty One" Cattrall's face clearly saying "Premeditated murder coming up in 5, 4, 3, 2...."
Thanks to Christina who should have her own show called "Kickass in the City."
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Bill O'Reilly is a man who stays cool under pressure (Must be the loofah)tag:thesuperficial.com,2008://1.198622008-05-13T13:15:00Z2008-05-13T13:32:04Z Is Bill O'Reilly a celebrity? Unfortunately, yes. But that means I can post this hilarious video that's been making the Internet rounds. It was pulled off of YouTube yesterday but the champs over at CollegeHumor realized that America needs...The Superficial Staff
Is Bill O'Reilly a celebrity? Unfortunately, yes. But that means I can post this hilarious video that's been making the Internet rounds. It was pulled off of YouTube yesterday but the champs over at CollegeHumor realized that America needs to see the No-Spin Zone fly off the handle during his old Inside Edition days. And I mean, Papa Bear is pissed. I haven't gotten this angry since I went to Dunkin Donuts and, true story, they were out of donuts - at one in the afternoon. They did offer me a bagel. Whee. What is the world coming to? No donuts at Dunkin be-freakin' Donuts?! That's like going to KFC and they're out of chicken. But they've got asparagus!
Thanks to Susan whose new name is "The O'Hottie Factor."
First off, I'm not going to deny that I'm taking extreme pleasure in finally not being the one whose light-years behind on a story. (Thought I gotta admit, I'm pretty good at it.) Star, who can no longer remain smug in their finery, is just now reporting on the Joel Madden/Lindsay Lohan flirting debacle. Yeah, sure Star has inside details on Nicole Richie's reaction, but you know what I say to that? HA HA FRIST!:
Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon rented out Six Flags Magic Mountain last night for a post-wedding bash. Hip Hollywood has the exclusive details and photos of cupcakes. I, on the other hand, am quoting their site and posting an airbrushed pic of Mariah in a bikini from the new Vibe. I WIN! And now on to the party:
Britney Spears seems to have started a new tradition: Whenever her latest cameo in How I Met Your Mother airs, Britney goes out and rear-ends random people with her Mercedes. Good for her! Of course, some might say Britney is actually honoring an even older tradition: Anytime she gets behind the wheel - SHE FUCKING AIMS TO KILL! TMZ reports:
