Jessica Simpson: 'My dog is fast, so she's alive'

Sigh.

its not herpes if its everywhere

Unfortunately, that dog is gone.

Someone buy this girl a Happy Meal. Once she is distracted by the food and the toy, she'll forget all about the dog.

um, i thought they dog was snatched right before her eyes? now she thinks that the sorry excuse for a dog got away from the mouth of a coyote? sure, Jessica, that's totally what happened.

Does she think that clear umbrella is going to shield her from the sun?

Perhaps my penis erupting into her moistened cunt might help ease the pain? Just sayin'.

Call me!

Derp

She's so stupid that it's annoying

@5

No shit... and it doesn't look like its raining. Celebutard.

I really wish I were between this girl's legs.

That Malti-Poo is already Coyote-Poo.....

.

Celebrities can't hold their own umbrellas?

Those are some pretty dark shadows cast on a rainy day.

They grow up from being dumb blondes to sad retarded girls so fast.

look at that poor bastard trying to keep that umbrella over her..thats gotta be the shittiest of the shit jobs out there. whats wrong with her that she cant hold her own umbrella? i think he should go all britney with that thing.

All the speed in the world wont help you when your dangling from a coyotes hungry mouth. by now her Malti-poo is just coyote-poo....sexy, sexy coyote-poo

Randal(l)

If someone sees their kid get snatched by a stranger who then drives off, are they supposed to go, "Oh, well--she's probably dead. I wonder what's on TV tonight?"

Clearly she understands that her poor dog is very likely long gone, but can't she cling to a little hope without being flame-broiled by heartless morons?

You people suck.

Ok so she has more money than sense (no argument there) BUT she didn't spend the money to have her beloved dog microchipped??

If nothing else at this point they could locate the coyote & she could wrestle it swearing her poor baby is in there.

Silly coos. Brains are for men.

nom,nom,nom,nom

man i still would like her ass

The word "his" should be capitalized in the last sentence. For my son's sake, show me some respect.

"That's the pressing issue on His plate."

15 Give the umbrella guy a break, Jess should be commended hiring him after he lost his job because his previous employer died of diprivan overdose.

Sorry to correct the Superfish and the Imposter @ 22.
It should be

"That's the pressing issue on her plate." (uncapitalized, cause she ain't vain.)

#19, fuck you.

oh fish, did your mommy beat you when you were a guppy?

oh fish, did your mommy beat you when you were a guppy?

Sorry to say, but I think by now her little dog is nothing but droppings in the California landscape.

Look, I'm a lazy bastard. I'm hungry. That fucking roadrunner was just too much you know? While this little turd dog was just a snack, food is food, know what I mean? I didn't even have to build a contraption from ACME to catch the little bugger, just walked right up to her and snatched it. Almost broke a tooth on one of the collar-diamonds, but shit, I can cash that in and take a vacation. By the way, the dog tasted like ass, so I wouldn't recommend adding to any menus soon. But like I said, food is food, and I had to do what I had to do. Please don't hate me.

Ok, has NO ONE taken note that Jessica and her entourage are so dumb that the guy's shading her from the sun with a CLEAR UMBRELLA ???

??

??

There's dumb... and there's DUMB.

Ok, has NO ONE taken note that Jessica and her entourage are so dumb that the guy's shading her from the sun with a CLEAR UMBRELLA ???

There's dumb... and then there's DUMB. [<-- in Kanye CAPS] :)

#31, I was just going to say that!!!!!!!!!!! Dumb!

Hey #17, don't be a fucking idiot.

Well, all I have to say is two things, three at most. First off, That dog is most likely gone because if it IS alive, it's either now at the pound, where if the animal isn't claimed within 2-3 days they put it to sleep. OR, considering it's a celebrity dog, and the news is all over, someone may have found it, and kept it for themself to make them feel special. Also, that's wishful thinking that PRAYING is going to save your dog, but sorry, it's not. Get off your behind and look for your dog...That's what i'd do if my dog was lost. Technically if I saw my dog being carried off by a coyote, I would have followed it, threw a huge rock at it, jumped in my car and drove after it, shot it, what have you. How did she seriously manage to sit there and "watch" it be carried off. Unless of course it happened at night while she was sleeping or inside the house, but from her story that's unlikely. Seriously this is dumb. Sorry you lost your dog Jessica Simpson, and I have nothing against you, but maybe you should have been more careful. Take this dog as a lesson learned that you need to be more careful, and if you get a dog in the future, don't take it for granted, expecially if it's a tiny dog. =/

Feel sorry for the little pooch.

I think a sequence of cunnilingus induced orgasms would do her a world of good. I am happy to help.

Feel sorry for the little pooch.

I think a sequence of cunnilingus induced orgasms would do her a world of good. I am happy to help.

Maybe she watched Beverly Hills Chihuahua too many times? Maybe she thinks there's an army of little dogs out there in the desert ready to protect her little Daisy? That little dog quicker than a hungry Coyote? No way, Jose.

Maybe she watched Beverly Hills Chihuahua too many times? Maybe she thinks there's an army of little dogs out there in the desert ready to protect her little Daisy? That little dog quicker than a hungry Coyote? No way, Jose.

I thought Dough Bruckner was doing well?

Why hasn't she called Ace Ventura : Pet Detective?

Yeah, she looks pretty dumb with that umbrella, but you know how you can't tan through a window because glass blocks the UV rays? Wouldn't plastic do the same thing? Assuming the goal is to protect her precious skin from the sun and not to shield her precious eyes from the light.

Jessica dahling, dunno how to break this to you... but... coyotes are the 9th fastest land animals. Unless little Malti-Poo was lucky enough to get away from the coyote, and able to run wounded faster than 43 mph, I am afraid... Malti-Poo... is now just... poo...

I know this site is about mocking celebs, but you know it is in cases like this where we need to have some empathy, regardless of what an airhead she is.

If you are enjoying schadenfreude (joy at somebody's misfortune) for losing a dear pet, you are indeed a much lower life form than any of the most douchiest celebs depicted on this blog. Lower than Spencer Pratt, for example. That low.

I know this site is about mocking celebs, but you know it is in cases like this where we need to have some empathy, regardless of what an airhead she is.

If you are enjoying schadenfreude (joy at somebody's misfortune) for losing a dear pet, you are indeed a much lower life form than any of the most douchiest celebs depicted on this blog. Lower than Spencer Pratt, for example. That low.

I know this site is about mocking celebs, but you know it is in cases like this where we need to have some empathy, regardless of what an airhead she is.

If you are enjoying schadenfreude (joy at somebody's misfortune) for losing a dear pet, you are indeed a much lower life form than any of the most douchiest celebs depicted on this blog. Lower than Spencer Pratt, for example. That low.

I know this site is about mocking celebs, but you know it is in cases like this where we need to have some empathy, regardless of what an airhead she is.

If you are enjoying schadenfreude (joy at somebody's misfortune) for losing a dear pet, you are indeed a much lower life form than any of the most douchiest celebs depicted on this blog. Lower than Spencer Pratt, for example. That low.

I know this site is about mocking celebs, but you know it is in cases like this where we need to have some empathy, regardless of what an airhead she is.

If you are enjoying schadenfreude (joy at somebody's misfortune) for losing a dear pet, you are indeed a much lower life form than any of the most douchiest celebs depicted on this blog. Lower than Spencer Pratt, for example. That low.

I know this site is about mocking celebs, but you know it is in cases like this where we need to have some empathy, regardless of what an airhead she is.

If you are enjoying schadenfreude (joy at somebody's misfortune) for losing a dear pet, you are indeed a much lower life form than any of the most douchiest celebs depicted on this blog. Lower than Spencer Pratt, for example. That low.

I know this site is about mocking celebs, but you know it is in cases like this where we need to have some empathy, regardless of what an airhead she is.

If you are enjoying schadenfreude (joy at somebody's misfortune) for losing a dear pet, you are indeed a much lower life form than any of the most douchiest celebs depicted on this blog. Lower than Spencer Pratt, for example. That low.

#18 As far as I know, that is not how the microchips placed in pets work...its not like a GPS device. If the pet gets taken to a shelter or pound, they scan it for a chip which then gives the owner's information. So it won't do the dog or Jess any good. :(

Poor Jess...I would be devastated, too. Even if you hate her, any loving pet owner should sympathize.

Apologies, sheesh, didn't know how that happened there.
Maybe the server thought my post *really* need to be seen.

The umbrella is clear so the paparazzi can still get the shot.

Now if she wasn't chowing down on Fritos and bean dip, she would of been keeping a better eye on poor sweet innocent Daisy.

This sounds like a publicity stunt too. "My dog was murdered - put me on a CW soap opera like my sister...waaaa"

How is Matt Parkman's (unbrella holder) ability going to assist with finding her dog??

So this dog is going to turn into Elizabeth Smart all of the sudden?

God wouldn't save the awesomeness of Patrick Swayze. He sure as fuck dont care about a spoiled coyote snack.

Ill say this for jessica though, she looks fucking FINE

those dogs are too enragingly gay looking for me to feel any sympathy.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone :-(
http://www.akneejerkreaction.com

I feel sorry for the girl.

People talk shit about her on sites like this and then her dog gets killed right in front of her and she can't accept it.

I still think she's lovely.

#11- LMFAO, good one!

#11--LMFAO, good one!

This is incredibly sad. J.S. has had her life laid out on a platter for the whole world since she was a kid. She has an overbearing father and is unlucky in love. I really think she is a genuinely nice person. I hope that the dog didn't suffer and that Jessica can find happiness. She looks great here too

jessica you seriously are a debbie downer for me. you used to be one of my idols. stylish, hot, and with a hot husband. now you are semi pretty, but also semi fat. you dress like you should ride a hoveround. i also find your dad extremely creepy. he probably masturbates to your music videos. also, i feel bad for your puppy :( but cheer up, you probably will fall off the face of the earth and become a cashier at Target :)

I don't mean to distract from the "real" story of the magic malti-poo, but why is the gentleman in the photos straining so hard to hold a clear plastic umbrella over Jessica in what is an obviously SUNNY FUCKING DAY?! What is he shielding her from? The evil sounds of laughter coming from the coyote who has shat out her lightnin' fast pup? I wonder if the umbrella man goes home each night and says to himself "Man! I have a fucking AWESOME job!"

This girl is minutes to a breakdown. Someone hide the sleeping pills and get her some help.

Poor ol' CHESTica. She's such a dimwit that, when she saw it was a coyote that took her dog, she got confused & assumed all coyotes are like Wiley Coyote, Super Genius, with whom she thinks she can negotiate.

Someone needs to break it to her that her dog is history. If someone told her what had happened, but replaced the word "coyote" with "Lion", perhaps she would finally understand. Then again, maybe not; she might get it confused with "Pete Puma"...

Wow, these celebrities will exploit anything for publicity.

This has gotten pathetic. Since when is a play by play of finding a lost dog newsworthy?

Papa Joe's has got to be miking this for press since she isn't doing much of anything these days.

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Why am I holding her umbrella? And when did I get fat?

Shouldn't the overweight photog be sweating like a pig in shorts and a too-small tee? He's dressed like he's in Alaska. How cold can it be in Encino?

I wouldn't wish this on anybody. Losing your pet sucks ass. I feel bad for her. She might not be the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but she doesn't deserve to be made fun of because she lost her dog. Sheesh. Have a heart, people. I bet she needs a hug.

I was just thinking earlier how those are novelty dogs. They can't run or anything else. I wondered if it can climb stairs by itself.

Also wondered about the "before our eyes". Was there a pursuit involving a weapon? Wondering about details.

Also wondering what that clear umbrella in the picture is for.

@ 15 - Yeah, Ken Paves got the plum job: fondling her drunk tits and ass when pap photographers are nearby:
http://thesuperficial.com/2009/08/jessica_simpson_breasts_cause.php?bfm_index=7&bfm_page=0

@ 41 - I think the UVAging rays would go through unless it's specially made to block them. I'd probably like the shade of an opaque, regardless.

Maybe the umbrella is for bird droppings?

Also, it sounds like madness, but I think Jessica looks better in jeans.

Just wait, once she is over this, she will go out and get another dog and let it run round outside until it gets eaten too.

It's wierd, but in areas around here there are coyotes and they actually seem to get small dogs more often than they get cats. Maybe cats are better at getting away.

On a more topical note, do you think Jessica Simpson likes getting rimmed?

Oh, a piece of candy....

She's looking increasingly depressed.
If you look at her pics over the past few months, she smiles less and less.

Woof,woof! Woof!

#78
Is that you Daisy?!

Bit disappointing really, I sent a message to the email in the ad saying I'd bring the dog back in exchange for a picture of her twonker and no one replied.

So, the transparent umbrella is used to deflect the invisible rain?

You people are all sick (inappropriate comments and all). Buy a heart and pray that you learn how to use it.

Nancy @82, actually, most of the people here are very sympathetic to the poor dog, they just aren't sympathetic to it's vapid, illiterate owner.

Now bend over while I inspect your blumpkin.

she does realize a coyote has longer legs and runs for it's dinner, right?

I heard the story different...the dog got so sick of her shit that he ran into the coyotes mouth just to get away. It's all a ruse. In a few months there will be carmel colored coyote puppies runnin' all round Jess' house, sniffing her bung.

I'm with #43 ... these celebs who can't stand even a few minutes or seconds of sun are going to be sorry later in life when they develop cancer or other autoimmune diseases ... you need at least 20 minutes per day sunshine, and 85% of the US is deficient ... and sunblocks worK WITH the sun to cause cancer ... Google it ... it's true. They block your Vitamin D absorption.

Hope that umbrella keeps Jess safe from the UV rays.

Jen if your vag needs some licking or your body massaged, anything, please call me.

Nice legs Jess. I'm picking she'd have some serious meat hangers though.

@17
When someone abducts a child, you don't know necessarily why they're doing it.
When a hungry lion (with the clear and sole motivation of EATING) snatches away your child, after 24 hours, that kid is most likely dead.
When a hungry predator snatches away your bite-sized snack, that pooch is most likely dead.

There's a fine line between "faint hope" and "denial", and this is so far over that line that it's accurate to call it stupid.