Jul 30 2008Kate Hudson & Lance Armstrong make like his testicles and stop being a pair
Bad news everybody: Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong have broken up. Who saw that coming? Besides Kate Hudson and her unwavering love of new penis. It turns out the two couldn't stop arguing and finally decided to throw in the towel, according to Page Six:
Hudson made a last-ditch effort last week, traveling to see her beau in Ohio for his Livestrong Summit, but "they both decided it wasn't feasible," a friend said. Another spy said the couple had a big blowout a week ago and Armstrong stormed off - "They didn't talk for like five days."
It must be hard to have an argument with a guy who rides his bicycle in the kitchen while eating breakfast. Sure, you can yell all you want about him taking "that thing everywhere" including the bathroom, but he's just gonna pop a wheelie in your face then go back to his Wheaties. Some might say I'm perpetuating a horrible stereotype that all cyclists are dicks, but until I see concrete data that suggests otherwise, I'm still throwing stray cats at them from my car window: "Quit blocking the lane! Aim true, Fluffy." REOWW!
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Reader Comments
1. John - July 30, 2008 12:46 PM
first
2. Sportsdvl - July 30, 2008 12:47 PM
She has no boobs and he is missing a nut - sounds like a great match.
3. fightingfrodo - July 30, 2008 12:47 PM
didnt see that coming
matt <3 lance
4. Sportsdvl - July 30, 2008 12:47 PM
She has no boobs and he is missing a nut - sounds like a great match.
5. Sunflower - July 30, 2008 12:48 PM
This girl will date anyone apparently... maybe she needs to slow down and be single for a while??? See what it's like to be single? Hmm.. just a thought. I'm sure we'll see her with someone new by tomorrow's postings. Gross. Nothing more pathetic than a female who just CAN'T be without a man in her life....
6. Ang - July 30, 2008 12:50 PM
I can't believe he had the ball to ditch her.
7. Kevin - July 30, 2008 12:52 PM
Best headline ever. Bravo!
8. gerard Vandenberg - July 30, 2008 12:52 PM
Lance, seriously: COME "SHOPPING" HERE IN THE NETHERLANDS!!
You need a EUROPEAN wife!!
9. Sport - July 30, 2008 12:55 PM
She is probably already fucking the lamp post on the corner.
10. Sportsdvl - July 30, 2008 12:58 PM
#6 - LOLOLOL
11. It's Britney Bitches - July 30, 2008 1:04 PM
Kate's son Ryder is the one who suffers the most every time mommy brings a new man into his life. The kid is what? 4? 5? And he's had 4 or 5 "daddy" figures in the last couple years? I used to like Kate Hudson as an actress but I've lost a lot of respect for her after she turned into the town bicycle in Hollywood. Not to mention what she did to Owen Wilson. He is awesome, and she broke his heart and ruined him. Poor guy. Get yourself a vibrator Kate and keep your damn legs closed.
12. woodhorse - July 30, 2008 1:09 PM
God I miss Fluffy.
13. Uncle Eccoli - July 30, 2008 1:10 PM
"Nothing more pathetic than a female who just CAN'T be without a man in her life...."
Sunflowers are ugly.
14. Alison - July 30, 2008 1:11 PM
I saw that coming a million miles away...he reminds me exactly of my ex...bikes and self-righteousnous get old pretty quick. I could just see it: she wakes up to nobody in bed at 3 am. She goes out to the garage and he's making out with his bike. Ew. He's gross. She's gross. They're both gross. That's what she gets for breaking Owen's heart...TWICE!
15. Fugyoself - July 30, 2008 1:12 PM
Gawd, is too bad they both weren't killed together in some kind of long, excruciating accident.
16. Famous Plastic - July 30, 2008 1:16 PM
Damn, Kate Hudson can't keep a relationship together to save her life. She needs a reality dating show...
I'm totally f*%&ing kidding.
17. Hotpants - July 30, 2008 1:20 PM
I bet that's why the cop body checked the cyclist in Time Square: to defend Kate Hudson's honor.
18. Deacon Jones - July 30, 2008 1:21 PM
Amen Fish!
I run those italain spandex-wearing fags off the fucking road any chance I get.
What's Lance going to start banging now to replace her, a sheet of plywood?
19. uno - July 30, 2008 1:22 PM
Something tells me these two will die alone, she may have a fabulous ass but the rest of her is subpar and based on interviews and her track record she's a bigger bitch than Rosie O'Donell. While Lance just isn't quite all man I can put my finger, I can't seem to grasp it or cup it with my hand, but something about Lance says " I'm just not the full package'. He's just lacking something and I doubt he'll ever get himself a good woman, he'll end up with some gold digging 20 year old who secretely hates him and Hudson will just keep rotating boyfriends until her ass gets flat and wrinkly and no one wants her. So basically they'll end up like all the men and women in Hollywood do.
20. Lazy - July 30, 2008 1:24 PM
can't say that we couldn't see that coming. Its Lance's style. Hang in there for a short while on the Flats, in preparation of conquering the Mountains.
21. combustion8 - July 30, 2008 1:29 PM
I blame the kids, no guy wants to take on some other douches children.
22. Geoff - July 30, 2008 1:37 PM
She was probably worried that she'd get cross-eyed from having only one ball on her nose. Who wants to see a cross-eyed acress in a movie? Lance's nut that's who.
23. twzzlrgirl - July 30, 2008 1:40 PM
Lance is now on suicide watch.
24. xxxxxx - July 30, 2008 1:41 PM
#21. But she has one kid and he has three, so it works both ways and then some, who wants four kids??? He needs to start searching for women in the evangelical "the only reason to live is to make children" communities. He'll find a good nanny, I mean wife there and by good I mean batshit crazy.
25. Christine - July 30, 2008 2:09 PM
First time I've commented out here but I just have to say that is the funniest post title you've ever come up with.
26. kevin - July 30, 2008 2:14 PM
cute couple,they appear to be happy.But I saw his personal ID on celeb men personals site*****C e l e b M i n g l e. c o m ******** last week. what is he looking for on that site? look sugarbabe?
27. rough daddy - July 30, 2008 2:16 PM
her chest is disturbing,,,she should work backward thats where her best feature is situated...
28. rough daddy - July 30, 2008 2:18 PM
work? i think im high
29. Mike - July 30, 2008 2:22 PM
Kate Hudson is a Jewess, even though she has that blonde shiksa look. The way she acts is the way they all act, and the way they try to make everyone else act through the media ( Sex and the City for instance, which Lindsay Lohan credited for her dating philosophy ). Everyone thinks Goldie Hawn is better, but she's in an open marriage.
I have never understood the obsession with sleeping around. I've slept with three women, and by the third time I was thinking, "You know, this is getting old." But I guess if you are a despiser of our Messiah and don't have heaven to look forward to, there isn't much else out there but genital stimulation.
30. Taza - July 30, 2008 2:31 PM
Don't be mean about someone's physical difference. I'm sure he has a prosthetic testicle anyway, in fact it's almost certain, so leave him alone. CANCER is nothing to joke about and if it hit your BALLS, you wouldn't be on here making fun of Lance Armstrong.
31. ktb - July 30, 2008 3:03 PM
He's used to the mountains...she ain't got none. she's weak, he's an ass-splitsville!
I agree, great headline.
32. Steven L Braun - July 30, 2008 3:09 PM
Nominated for the Best Headline EVER!
33. Sunflower - July 30, 2008 3:17 PM
#13, oh please. Not ugly, just truthful. And I'm guessing by you commenting to me that you haven't read ANY other comments here? Please.. my comments pale in comparison to most others. Get over yourself. It's so obvious she can't be without someone and seems others on this post agree.
34. me - July 30, 2008 3:17 PM
LOL That headline freak'n kicks ass. U r the man fish.
35. Verklempt - July 30, 2008 3:24 PM
#29 that is so true those women are real assholes. I know lots of em. Sigh
36. Miserable Bastard - July 30, 2008 3:26 PM
If she really wanted to keep Lance she would have gotten prosthetic testicles implanted in her chest.
37. Deacon Jones - July 30, 2008 3:33 PM
@35
Dont even get me started on Jewish women, the fucking WORST
@29
Three huh? That explains a lot.
38. NY Ted - July 30, 2008 3:50 PM
Are you kidding me...NO TITS & ONE NUT are calling it quits...Hmmm doesn't surprise me since they are both SLUTS and can't stay with anyone more then a couple of months! FUCKING LOSERS!
39. dee - July 30, 2008 3:53 PM
I would be surprised if ANY man stays very long with flat chested Kate.
40. Mike Hawk - July 30, 2008 5:37 PM
What is he, nut?
41. Kathleen - July 30, 2008 5:48 PM
Hahahahahahahaha.
Great headline.
42. malicious - July 30, 2008 6:05 PM
great to see the real superfish back and on form!
43. Jamie's Uterus - July 30, 2008 6:22 PM
Why is Lance famous? He rides a bicycle and has one ball?
Why is Kate Hudson famous? Her mother is famous and has some degree of talent.
Kate Hudson is an anti-American horrid beast. She should be thrown out of this country. I hate this self important no talent skanked up bitch.
44. Sharifa - July 30, 2008 6:41 PM
LMMFAO (Laughing My Mother F******G A** Off) that was possibly the funniest I've ever read. I literally laughed till I cried.
I have to say I'm pretty tired of Kate Hudson bangin her way through every guy in Hwood.
45. Banana - July 30, 2008 7:14 PM
Hahahaha, brilliant title
46. SDDudette - July 30, 2008 7:47 PM
That was the single funniest header i've ever seen on this site. Hilarious.
47. Broz - July 30, 2008 10:13 PM
Dear Superficial Writer,
This headline actually made me choke on my sandwich AND give me goosebumps. I mean, seriously, that is one of the FUNNIEST lines i have ever read!
I Salute You!
48. kate - July 30, 2008 11:03 PM
COOL,! A friend of mine recommended me a HOT place ***"NYwealthyMatch .c o m *** It’s a place full of hot stuff and also a place where the rich & celebrity have romance!
49. Queefer Bukakke - July 31, 2008 3:03 AM
Lance wants Matthew, that's why he keeps jumping from skank to skank. He just needs to admit he wants another man to yank.
50. Yawn - July 31, 2008 9:40 AM
I keep wondering if she's just a real bitch and that's why she can't keep a relationship for more than a month.
51. Doug the bike guy - July 31, 2008 12:17 PM
Fuck you Deacon jones, you motherfuckin pussy. maybe someone will run you over when you lumber your 400 pound ass across the street.
52. Andie - July 31, 2008 12:57 PM
When I read this I accidentally inhaled part of my cracker. Best. Headline. Ever.
Keep it up, writer-man!
Yeah, and whoever commented "I can't believe he had the ball to leave her"-
I snorted a little when I read that one too.
Less mean and more funny, huh guys?
53. Jen - July 31, 2008 3:14 PM
*SNORT*!!! Holy shit, you made me SNORT!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahaha
Fish- you rule.
Best headline EVER EVER EVER
54. Crappola - July 31, 2008 3:22 PM
Fuck man... I didn't even read the post... I was stuck on the Headliner.
You truly are a god among men.
55. Duc Tran - July 31, 2008 3:45 PM
I'm going to be another one of those people to applaud the headliner. That was comedic gold!
56. pirata - August 1, 2008 5:23 PM
throw a stray cat at me and I'll throw a brick through your windshield douchebag stereotyper.
57. aa - August 4, 2008 9:28 AM
lol