Jun 18 2007Tom Cruise is a priest-like thing

FIRST!!!!

FIRST??!

first

WOOOHOOO!!!!!

FIRST BABY!!!!!!

NOW I CAN DIE KNOWING I LIVED A COMPLETE LIFE!!!!!

My mom is going to be soooo proud...... Sure I never went to college, and spent that time in a mexican jail... But now its all worth it cause I was first!!!!!

correction... first 1/3

omgsolikegayscientologistscanperformweddings
scientologyislikesoawesomeforbeingallopen
mindedandshit

yup

A wise man once said if you aint first, your last!!!

Can I get a show of hands as to how many people actually care about this sotry?

So we go from one freak to another. Can we have a post of Courtney Love next.

I thought Tom Cruise reached the highest level of queer some time ago...

Erica Packer as a singer was barely a one hit wonder and I bet his first marriage cost him a bundle to break up.

Nobody but the king of the fax divorce should remarry billionaire Packer. Then in court he can claim they weren't really married.

What a great legal defense. Come on, your honor, TOM Cruise officiated at the wedding? Can you say prenup nullifier 3x fast?

Oh look. Twin Ferrets. Tom's head looks like that shrinking head guy from Beetlejuice...

Does he get to bumfuck the groom after the ceremony too?

It's becoming "clear" (see how I did that? How droll...) why Scientologists tried to keep their shit secret for so long. The more we learn about their goofy-ass religion, the crazier they look for believing any of it. Seriously, they make all the other religions look sane by comparison. And that is effin scary. I'm beginning to think of Scientologists the same way I've come to think of Republicans - that if you call yourself one now, that makes you instantly stupid in my book. I don't want to do that, but they've left me no choice.

And I think Katie is turning into Tom. Pretty soon, she'll shrink 4 inches and be sporting a 5 o'clock shadow. Then she'll jump on Oprah's couch and her transformation will be complete and Suri will have 2 daddies.

I just have to say it... Wait for it...

TCLTC!!!!

Didn't he also try to deliver baby Suri? Now he wants to be a priest?

He has the most severe case of Little Man Syndrome ever documented.

And he's boring.

#15 - nice lol I completely agree :D

How dare he pretend he's a priest! Only true priest are qualified to perform marriage ceremonies, because they are very spirtual men who've devoted their entire lives to God, and they have the highest moral integrity.

Except for the whole raping-altarboys thing.

creepy and short

#19 I think the "raping-alterboys thing" is why he wants to be a priest.

TCLTC

If being ordained a priest in Scientology involves fellating ten guys in a glory holed confessional and being able to insert a man's head up your rectum without the benefit of lubrication, then this is old news. Tom's been a priest since he was sixteen.

And as for #15, most Scientologists are also Democrats. Says alot about the way their minds are wired, doesn't it.

@19 p0nk - I thought that was one of the bennies of the job?

"By the power invested in me by the state of insanity, I now pronounce you theton and wife...'

I guess he can study his gay ass religion since he hasn't taken the time to make a decent film in years.

"By the power invested in me by the state of insanity, I now pronounce you theton and wife...'

I'd rather have Pacman Jones do my wedding ... maybe someone from his entourage could shoot my "wife" afterward, to save me from the horrible mistake of getting married.

All rise.......Reverend Cruise presiding.

Most members of the KKK and other established hate groups are also Republicans. Says alot (actually, "a lot") about the way their minds are wired, doesn't it.

TCLTC!!!

I wonder how much that billionaire had to donate to the "Church" of $camatology to have Tom "I Love The Cock" Cruise preside over the wedding.

White Republicans or Democrats are all racists regardless. Democrats are just better at pretending they're not.

Except for the fact that Democrats wrote all the recent civil rights laws and then the Republicans rolled them back when they took over the majority, I totally agree.

Tom isn't racist, he will suck any color penis.

Wasn't L. Ron Hubbards entire motivation to create a religion motivated by his desire to fuck young boys? It should be no surprise Tom Cruise heard about this cult and said "I'm all in."

But black Democrats and Republicans are never racist. Nope, never, ever have I met a racist black person regardless of political leanings. That's right, blacks never have to pretend at anything, because there are no racist blacks.

Catholics take marriage and family planning directives from a geriatric man who's never married or had sex. Pentcostals dance around with rattlesnakes. Mormons have to wear special undies. Buddhists believe that the modern Dalai Lama is the reincarnation of the last one (13th). The Taoists utilize Feng Shui because they think how they set their furniture will affect their life. Muslims believe that they must shave their entire body prior to Gihad in order to get waited on by 72 virgins in the Afterlife. Hindus believe that by burning widows alive with the bodies of their dead husbands, you can prevent women from poisoning their mates. Nature worshipers think trees and dirt will take commands from them if they say the write words. Satanists believe in a firey corridor with a menacing ex-angel with horns and a tail sitting on a throne, as seen in cartoons.

Scientology is completely fucked up, but probably not much more than any of the others.

*right* ..not write

mormons have to wear special undies? really? please elaborate, hollyj!

Can we just give Scientology some land, and declair it its own country or something? Cause I really want there to be a way for us legally to bomb the celebrity center

I want to see Holly's special undies...and Katies

Peter Pan, didn't you tell me that Tom was your old boyfriend? I also remember that a Republican priest tried to suck your little Peter when you were younger.

Why not? Pedophiles in dresses marry people every day and no one seems too concerned about that.

#36

You forgot the most important one and the only one you should give two shits about or disclose doctrine as to find something funny to the secular...what YOU believe.

THIS POST WAS CONSIDERED BLAPHEMY AND HAS BEEN REMOVED PER ORDERS OF REVEREND J.R. DOBBS

This figures. We all agree that Tom is nuts. One lone Republican stuck in his parent's basement makes a stupid dumbass statement about Democrats, then all the Democrats kneejerk and start slinging back. Really mature folks. Yeah, and yo' mama. Oh snap, I went there! So much for the warning of "Inappropriate comments may be removed".

That does it. I'm going to Church Of Mary Poppins because everyone knows she's practically perfect in every way. Either that, or the Church Of Cheese. Because everyone loves cheese. I'm a cheddar person.

yeah all religions are based on fucked up ideas and led by fucked up people. but Scientology - at least right now - is dominated by the most empty-headed narcissistic celebrities. plus it's clearly a mind-control treatment for people with psychiatric problems and/or a lack of courage (to be openly gay, for example). so killing all Scientologist would be especially thrilling.

GOD he's SUCH a short little faggot!

Unfortunately, Scientology has been granted the status of a legitimate religion by the Australian government, so a wedding performed by Tom Cruise is legitimate and binding, as stupid and terrifying as it sounds.

#27: AWESOME!! Marriage is a HUGE mistake!

What I want to know is when does ol' Tom get to speak to the aliens?

I hate this site because of these dumb punks who keep yelling FIRST

I now pronounce you husband and wife - you may now fist the priest!

what a prick

Tom, it muzt really
suck to be U:
1)your zhort
2)pretend to like women
3) bought the baby from alienz
4)and lazt..worzt of all..U R
acting like a (probably) Republican
priezt,that likez to molezt little
church boyz..

how doez thiz help your image?
(dickbrain/cruize)!

His "friend"'s name is Packer? Like, Fudge Packer?

When I was bashing Scientology, I didn't mean to imply that other religion is cool. I'm an atheist, I think they're ALL crap. But seriously, Scientology seems a little more loony than the others. TC and JT and all the other pod people can believe whatever they want, but I reserve the right to call them crazy for it. C'mon... Thetans? Clear? Xenu? Auditing? I swear L. Ron just pulled all this out of his ass just to see what would happen. It's made me consider inventing my own religion. People will apparently believe anything and give you tons of money to tell them all about it.

As for the Republican comment, not taking that one back. With the party in its current incarnation, I believe you would indeed have to be stupid to vote for any of them. I will acknowledge that plenty of Democrats are idiots too.

There, all better now.

Cruise has reached the highest level of "clear" because all of his huge checks have "cleared". Obviously the inherited money that the Billionaire who Tom is marrying will also assure that he will reach the highest levels of "clear" very soon. If there are any Scientologist lurkers reading this, I'm curious to know, if I'm wrong that it's all about money, what level are you and how much money have you given the "church"?

Ha, dude ahead of me is right about the money thing. But seriously guys, how can you NOT have faith in something that is so obviously real? I mean, the Greeks have their gods, why can't the scientologists have their alien warriors coming down from the sky? I see Ron L. Hubbard looking up from hell going "ahhh.. my little puppets". What a bunch of freaks.

church | ch ər ch | noun

a building used for public Christian worship : they came to church with me.
• (usu. Church) a particular Christian organization, typically one with its own clergy, buildings, and distinctive doctrines : the Church of England.
• ( the Church) the hierarchy of clergy of such an organization, esp. the Roman Catholic Church or the Church of England.
• institutionalized religion as a political or social force : the separation of church and state.
• the body of all Christians.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Jesus has 0% to do with this cult, so how in the world do they get away with having a cross on their symbol and calling themselves a church? Seriously.

Mr. Angry Jones: for some reason this post of Tom reminded me of your artful rendition of Rosie O'Donnell and it also reminded me that you forgot to add a cigar and her quoting (in a balloon) "Money for nothing and your chicks for free" --- Tom Cruise resembles your depiction of Rosie quite a bit.

But when #25 refers to his "gay ass religion", this is truly an insult to gay people (Perez not withstanding) so - IMO - my comparing Tom to a gay woman is OK but calling gay people Scientologists is crossing the line.

People who have been on here awhile--Just think back to Tom's cock to cock hug with Steven Speilberg that was posted on the Fish. I will never, ever EVER forget that.

TCLTC

What's up with her trying to dress like Jackie O, or is she just trying to look older because Tom is starting to look like a wrinkled up, kitchen witch.

He is a stupid High-school drop-out and a stupid cultist. The way you get to Clear is registered by the same machine that Psychologists use for bio-feedback treatments.

Katie Holmes should have her own Reality Show: "How bizare would you go to have money?"

Has anyone noticed Katie is transforming into Victoria Beckhem? She no longer smiles with her toothy grin, dresses more sophisticated and now the hair is like VB. This is not the same girl on Oprah oh so many moons ago.....

60, thanks for that. all that money spent on therapy, down the drain!

hahaha i remember the kitchen witch.

@64 Maybe she thinks turning into Posh will make TC morph into Becks so she can be married to a straight, relatively normal man instead of a midget homo cultist.

#36, wow, do I hate that relativist stuff. I've actually read the 1972 edition of The Fundamentals of Thought: The Basic Book of the Theory and Practice of Scientology for Beginners, by L.Ron himself, and no matter how irrational the world's religions might seem or be, to compare their scope and history, their mission and purpose, to something as puny intellectually as Scientology (read it and see) is to paint a distorted picture of both. Relativism just seems like nihilism to me. Where are the distinction-makers? Is Scientology a religion or a cult? The use of sophistry, of sentences that turned round on themselves, the changing meanings of fundamental words like "spirit" and "freedom" throughout the book, made me think it IS a cult. Reading that book made me think of Orwell's 1984 "Freedom Is Slavery", "Ignorance Is Strength"...

Oh, sorry, I got carried away. Tom Cruise has a small penis. There, I feel better now.

What the FUCK is he doing to Katie Holmes? Jesus, this girl use to be attractive.

While reading this very important and interesting post i suddenly remember these wise words of this monch i met.I was standing with him on the top of a mountain,overlooking the valley.He said to me;'religion is for cowards,we've to face that we're lost.' This is a true story and the monch was Sauron.

#58 - Relax I have a plan greater than thou knowest...

Yes, it is true that the whackiest of the whacky reside in COS but you have to remember that you Christians have become quite boring to me and Dad... You used to have vim and vigor. Why, Dad or I could throw you a burning bush and you silly hairless apes would be all affluter for centuries... Do you have any idea how long I did my "water into wine" bit? Seriously, that sold for YEARS. I mean, it isn't much more than the milk into a newpaper bit ow isit!!! Now you guys just don't believe anything you see... I could move the Golden Gate bridge and you still wouldn't buy it... You would just start looking for Chir Angle or David Copperfield or some other freako. So sue me for having fun but I just could not help myself... If it makes you feel any better, remember that bit I did with Joseph Smith in Utah? Yep. That was a gag too... What can I say... Heaven is boring on Mondays... I won a Hunskee of Gabriel for that one. He said you meat puppets surely weren't that stupid... Little did he know...

Jesus the Ever Loving Christ Almighty...

PS. Free trip around the universe with stops at all ringed planets for anyone who kills Paris, Lyndsey, or Britney.

Lowlands, that was very poetic. So much to learn in life, so little time.

for those of you unfamiliar with australian billionaires; james packer is possibly the best looking man in history.

Educate me please.

Why does everyone think Tom Cruise is a poof?

FIRST. FIRST. FIRST !!

I've been trying to be first for such a long time, and I've finally made it!

Let all hope go.We don't know anything about the game of life and death.

Fuck I hate Tom Cruise

..and Katie Holmes

..and James Packer and the thing he's marrying.

What a despicable display of wealth, and another laughable attempt at trying to prove that Tom's (sshh) 'not gay'. Make sure your wife is with you. Where is that brain-washed child you married? Ahh..there she is. You know, your glazed-eyed wife might have an army of PR people trying to make her look like your little homemaker, but you don't fool ANYONE. Try the old routine of convincing yourself that we're all simply jealous of your money. Reality is, you're just an old queer who throws millions of dollars at freaky people who believe the dumbest shit this planet has ever known. We know *exactly* what you are Tom Cruise.

Great *cough* religion *cough* you have there, Pumpkin.

Hail Xenu. Or Xena. Or Scrappy-Doo. Whatever.

fuck Tom Cruize and
that fake shit Katie,

like all that money,
Katie was worth marrying
someone who hatez sex with
women..the only way U could
go any lower iz to be Brittney
fuckin Spearz.

and if that baby iz any part of
either of them, then it waz made
in a glazz bowl with fairy duzt!

U threw all your young yearz away
for money, Katie, guezz what? can't
get them back, azzhole.

Very creepy little man...looks even creepier beside Katie. The fact that he gives all his money to a cult created by a science fiction writer basically sez it all. The real SAD thing is now there is a kid in the picture. No-one is sure who's kid, but he has the money to choose a woman with certain look and to buy a certain sperm, doesn't he. Weird little dude.

I pronounce you Mr. & Mr. Fudge-Packer!

#78, nice song, nigga

the aliens made us all, didn't you know?

81=don't think I'm
a nigga, but a couple
more dayz in the zun
and who knowz...lookin
pretty dark theze dayz,
itz fuckin hott here!

Ewwwww, James Packer looks like Lurch

wonder how many juicy big red throbbing dicks have been sucked by him. Hey Tomcat, you need to get together with me and my buddies next weekend and stop pretending to be straight. Everyone knows that your gay. The Tomcat is out of the bag. Let's get it on.

I'm a Scientologist and I'll tell you that this crazy story about Xenu is total crap. Some people in the press keep saying that this Xenu story is what Scientologists believe. This is such garbage and it's a story repeated over and over and is intended to keep people from looking into what Scientology actually is. So why would some in the media intentionally try and keep people away from Scientology you ask? Because most media is well paid by the pharmaceutical industry. They see Scientology as a threat to their profits because it is. Scientology has many, many answers that work and are practical. Let's look at 1 example of how the psychiatric drugging industry is hurt by Scientology technology... Let's assume you know someone who has been depressed for several months or even years. Did you know that with Scientology you can literally snap him out of his dark days and make him feel happy again, sometimes in less than five minutes. How could this be? Because Scientology helps and works like nothing else before it. There is no need to be on a psychiatric drug everyday for the rest of your life. This is just one of thousands of solutions Scientology has and it would take literally books to tell you all it has to offer and can do. Give a Scientologist just a few minutes of your time and you'll quickly realize what a sham psychiatry and the psychiatric drugging business is. It's OK to be skeptical about Scientology, but don't assume that what you've been told about it is actually true. Just ask yourself would all these celebrities be involved in it if didn’t help them and others tremendously?

HTTP://WWW.WHATISSCIENTOLOGY.ORG