May 13 2008Sarah Jessica Parker finds a way to distract me from her face - THANK YOU!
Sarah Jessica Parker attended the London premiere of Sex and the City: The Movie yesterday. It would appear that, earlier in the day, Sarah Jessica decided to pay somebody real money for the ten-foot tall vegetation jutting out of her head. Because there's nothing like showing up for the most relevant thing you've done in the past five years looking like Carmen Miranda's retarded step-sister - who's also a zombie.
NOTE: Kim "The Slutty One" Cattrall's face clearly saying "Premeditated murder coming up in 5, 4, 3, 2...."
Thanks to Christina who should have her own show called "Kickass in the City."
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May 13 2008Bill O'Reilly is a man who stays cool under pressure (Must be the loofah)
Is Bill O'Reilly a celebrity? Unfortunately, yes. But that means I can post this hilarious video that's been making the Internet rounds. It was pulled off of YouTube yesterday but the champs over at CollegeHumor realized that America needs to see the No-Spin Zone fly off the handle during his old Inside Edition days. And I mean, Papa Bear is pissed. I haven't gotten this angry since I went to Dunkin Donuts and, true story, they were out of donuts - at one in the afternoon. They did offer me a bagel. Whee. What is the world coming to? No donuts at Dunkin be-freakin' Donuts?! That's like going to KFC and they're out of chicken. But they've got asparagus!
Thanks to Susan whose new name is "The O'Hottie Factor."
May 12 2008Megan Fox transforms into topless-ness!
These are some shots of Megan Fox topless while filming Jennifer's Body. Although is there any point to even putting stuff here? I'm just going to stop typing because, seriously, who's looking at the words when HOLY CRAP, IT'S MEGAN FOX'S BOOBS! Obviously, these pics are NSFW and if you couldn't figure that out, please e-mail me where you'll be operating a motor vehicle. Mostly so I can take such necessary precautions as, I dunno, running for my fucking life.
NOTE: Yeah, either she's wearing pasties or her nipples are made out of plastic. Either way, it looks close enough to naked that maybe censoring the pics will still keep you from getting fired.
May 12 2008Bai Ling's nipples are 'bai-ling' out of her bikini (SWISH! Count it!)
Bai Ling played around on a private beach in Hawaii while taking a week off from Crank 2: Amy Smart's Nipples Fight Crime Like Batman with PMS. It looks like Bai Ling took a page from Amy's book because her nip-nips keep popping out of her bikini. Then she decides to just ditch the damn thing. I wish more women would take their tops off sporadically. You know, for the economy and stuff. But will those fat-cats in Washington listen to me? Ha. Never. They want to talk to somebody with "a degree in economics" who "doesn't get financial advice from a bottle of Jack Daniels." Hey, I'll have you know this stuff makes me all kinds of money. What's that, whiskey? Diversify my funds with nachos? ON IT!
NOTE: Pics link to uncensored versions that are NSFW on account of the aforementioned nipple escape-age.
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May 12 2008Jennifer Aniston continues to bikini-fy John Mayer
Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer spent some time at the pool over the weekend in Miami. After seeing these photos and remembering what I've seen of Friends, I have to ask: Is Jennifer Aniston's turkey always done? And, if so, why has she not been commended for such? I'm not talking anything fancy. Maybe just a Nobel Peace Prize and/or her face chest carved into Mt. Rushmore. I guess I'm a sucker for seeing the fairer sex receive their well-earned recognition. Also, they make better sandwiches when they're happy. That's science.
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May 12 2008Jamie Lynn Spears: Pregnant + heels = Long live the South!
Like my Pa always said, "Nothing else follows up a Britney Spears phone sex post like pics of her pregnant little sister in hooker heels." I now present to you Jamie Lynn Spears: Third Trimester Street Walker*. Prostitution just got a whole lot more pregnantier.
*NASCAR role-play mandatory. Family member discounts available upon request. No darkies, Demmy-crats or fancy book readin' folks that talks all funny with them big words. Inability to whistle "Dixie" during coitus is legalified grounds for lynchin'.
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May 12 2008Britney Spears & Kevin Federline have 'camaraderie' which apparently means phone sex (Good to know...)
Kevin Federline's lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan paid a visit to this morning's The Today Show where he elaborated on Britney's new custody situation. He also dodged around questions of Britney and Kevin getting ready to make some more Cheetos porn. (Fingers crossed!) Here's the details via People:
"If you're going to have two parents participate in the lives of raising their children," said Kaplan, "there has to be some camaraderie between them for that to be a meaningful expectation and reality."
But are things better between the ex-husband and wife?
"When you go from where things were, when there was no visitation, to where they are now," said Kaplan, "there will be some contact … there'd be some ability to exchange a camaraderie that is necessary and a function of co-parenting together."
Britney and Kevin are definitely getting along - all the way to PhoneSexBurg! A source for Star says Kev and Brit go at it AT&T-style once a week:
While they initially chatted about their boys — Preston, 2, and Jayden, 20 months — the conversation shifted. And as Britney hoped, Kevin knew exactly how to tire her out — with hours of erotic talk!
"They have phone sex often — at least once a week," an insider tells Star. "The one thing those two have in common is their need for sex, and after they get going, there are no holds barred."
I don't know about you guys, but I fully support Kevin and Britney doing it over the phone. Wanna know why? No chance of pregnancy - I think. Hold on, let me call this girl I had phone sex with once. *beep boo bop boo beep* Hey, how are you? Long time no phone sex. Say, you don't have any kids do you? Uh huh. Your lawyer is tracing this call? Back child support, you say? Uh huh. Well, I had no idea my sperm was that strong. Uh huh. I tried putting a condom on the phone but you sounded like Darth Vader! Okay, tell you what. I'll get my checkbook and do the honorable thing. Just, uh, give me a sec here.. *runs to Mexico*
May 12 2008Amy Winehouse's reign of terror hits the freeway
Amy Winehouse got stuck in a traffic jam over the weekend and decided to wander out of her car. So, not only were these people at a freaking stand still, they had to look at a half-naked bridge troll. Ha! England's cool. The Daily Mail reports:
Not content to sit patiently in her car, the Rehab singer roamed the motorway, giving drivers more than they bargained for as she went from car to car in an effort to scrounge a lighter for her cigarette to pass the time.
At one point she pulled up her purple vest to bare her midriff as she did a spot of sun baking while leaning on the bonnet of a car.
During all this commotion, one of Amy's fans approached her for an autograph and the look on Amy's face is just priceless. There's no way that's not a look that says "Holy crap, I'm not invisible?! Now would be a good time to throw my feces."
Thanks to Karen who would've chucked a Hobbit at Amy to preserve the peace.
EDIT: Added pics of Amy running around with her shirt off at her destination. Hold on, my penis just sent me an e-mail. It reads "I quit." Quit what? Not getting touched by girls! HA HA! BURN! I'm freaking incredible.
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May 12 2008Kate Hudson & Owen Wilson engaged - or not?
Owen Wilson, no doubt riding the dragon again, allegedly proposed to Kate Hudson who, uh, wow seems to be wearing my grandmother's curtains. I have no freaking clue what's going on there except Kate better steer clear of any cats and/or open flames. The Sun reports:
"Kate supported Owen during his low patch and that proved to him she’s the woman he wants to be with for ever. He picked out the ring and went for the biggest one he could find. He was nervous about proposing but Kate was thrilled and the whole thing was really emotional. The engagement is a natural step forward for them both and Kate’s ecstatic."
However, Us Magazine claims to have exclusive confirmation from Kate and Owen's rep that they are not engaged:
She's definitely not engaged," a rep for Hudson tells Usmagazine.com. A rep for Wilson, 39, also confirms the rumors are wrong.
The reason for the false uproar? Hudson, 29, was spotted wearing a diamond ring in Boston.
"She's shooting a movie called Bride Wars, which explains the ring," adds her rep.
So who do you believe? On the one hand, you have The Sun which is, well, The Sun. On the other you have Us Magazine which thinks The Hills is real. Who do you trust? It's like choosing between your retarded cousin that likes Nickelback or a ham sandwich. But only one can pass the mustard. Ha! Get it? Sandwich? Mustard? It's almost like pure comedy flows through my vein- Ack! Jimmy Fallon's trying to harvest my funny! Quick, someone get him to say his name backwards!
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May 12 2008Hulk Hogan to boobies: Turn my frown upside down - but not the moustache or it's go time, brotha!
After his son Nick was sentenced to eight months in prison on Friday, Hulk Hogan needed the soft, soothing relief of nature's own antidepressant: mammaries. He gathered up some wrestling buddies on Saturday and retreated to the holy sanctuary of Hooters, according to TMZ:
Hulk Hogan drowned his sorrows in chicken wings at a local Hooters restaurant in Tampa, Florida today. Sources tell TMZ that the wrestling star was accompanied by close friend and former WWF wrestler Brian Knobbs of the Nasty Boys, wrestling manager Jimmy Hart and other family friends. The group dined on wings, beer and salad.
Is there anything that breasts can't heal? No, really, I'm seriously asking. I lost at online Mario Kart to The Geekologie Writer* and kind of whipped my Wii Wheel at the wall which ricocheted into my melon. I think, if I see a nipple, I should pull through. Or even just some areola. Also, time is a factor. There's a dude here with a black robe and sickle who says he's in a rush.
*I hate you and put the HIV in your coffee. Happy Monday!
