Tiger Woods is romantic
Because hush money doesn't go as far as it used to these days, Joslyn James has launched an entire website dedicated to posting text messages she supposedly received from Tiger Woods during their affair. Here's just a couple samples from Tiger's alternate personality who apparently has a PhD in anal sex:
Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore
Tiger:Sent: 03:35 PM 08/29/2009:
In a week. I will try to wear you out
Tiger:Sent: 03:36 PM 08/29/2009:
After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard
Tiger:Sent: 04"02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat
Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore
Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own
Considering Joslyn James' entire family has labeled her a pathological liar, I'm almost 90% certain she's just re-posting dialog from her latest porn and waiting for a giant check. Although TMZ has a convincing theory to the contrary. And if it is true, I want to know how the hell we lost the greatest erotic writer of our time to the most boring sport known to man. It's like a master chef deciding he wants to reheat oatmeal for a living. I mean, Jesus Christ.
Holly Madison wins St. Patrick's Day
As a full-time drunk/part-time appreciator of midgets as props, I can safely say Holly Madison has completely captured the very essence of St. Patrick's Day better than anyone puking into a shamrock hat last night. I'd almost qualify this more by revealing I'm Irish, but truthfully my grandfather was the son of a logging camp whore - not even a joke - so for all we know my family's 3/4ths grizzly bear. *sniff sniff* Dammit, who's menstruating again? We talked about this.
Scope Out (16) Pics of Holly Madison After the Jump
Britney Spears saw Jason Trawick shoot a nun. That's the only explanation here.
Despite reports of a break-up, Britney Spears and Jason Trawick were spotted shopping together in Beverly Hills yesterday essentially confirming her dad's paying him a shit-ton of money. I mean, there's no way these two are having sex. It'd be like taking advantage of a retarded person which is just horrible all around. A.) They have no idea what's going on so you might as well hump a couch that wants to watch cartoons. And B.) It's almost impossible to look yourself in the mirror after seeing a team of bodyguards hose your lover down with a fire hose because she throws punches if you put her in the shower. You're never quite the same after that.
Scope Out (16) Pics of Britney and Jason After the Jump
Continue Reading "Britney Spears saw Jason Trawick shoot a nun. That's the only explanation here."
Heidi Montag missed a spot
I honestly don't know if there's anything specifically wrong with Heidi Montag's ass cheeks in these photos, but I do know just posting them here will make her drop another small fortune on surgeries until she looks like a bleached Kim Kardashian or strokes out trying. On that note, I'll be mentally preparing myself for Heidi looking like Robocop in five years and me still wanting to touch her boobs. (You can't fight destiny.)
Scope Out (20) Pics of Heidi Montag After the Jump
Snooki killed somebody. No, really.
To the shock of pretty much no one, RadarOnline has discovered Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi of was charged with selling booze to minors during a party at her house that ended with the drunk driving death of a teenager:
Snooki was one of three people charged in connection with the 2004 death of teenager Michael Truncali, a RadarOnline.com investigation revealed.
The Marlboro High School senior died with a blood alcohol level of .18 -- more than twice the legal limit -- when he rolled his Mazda in the early hours of Thanksgiving morning after drinking for hours at Snooki's house.
Truncali had been drinking heavily in the basement of Snooki's home before crashing his car on his way home. After a several month investigation, Snooki was charged with Prohibited Sale of Alcoholic Beverages, as authorities said she charged a fee for alcohol.
Except it gets even better. Turns out Snooki's mom was home the entire time and, based on all those gangster movies I've seen, essentially turned rat and let her own daughter eat the charge:
Marlboro Police Chief Stephen Fajfer said police found Helen Polizzi was home during the course of the party.
"She cooperated," Fajfer said about the investigation that began in 2004 and lasted several months. "She came in willingly and spoke to us several times about the incident."
When RadarOnline.com approached Helen Polizzi at her home in New York this week, she refused to comment without an attorney being present.
In the end though, everybody learned a lesson and Snooki became a responsible member of society who doesn't drunkenly bang an entire boardwalk of strange men on TV.
Wait. I'm thinking of that other Ewok, Wicket. Let's try this again...
Sandra Bullock got the f-ck out
Further confirming reports her husband Jesse James had sex with a walking tattoo, Sandra Bullock has already packed up and left, according to People:
The actress left the Southern California house she shares with James just days before a report of infidelity by her husband surfaced, a source tells PEOPLE.
Bullock, 45, left on Monday, the source says. Bullock, who won her first Oscar - a Best Actress award - for The Blind Side on March 7, also abruptly canceled a trip to Europe for the London premiere of the film.
I legitimately feel bad for Sandra Bullock because I made the unfortunate mistake of watching pre-Oscar footage where she spent the whole time raving about Jesse James' daughter, who she's been deeply invested in helping him secure custody of, only to have him Tiger Woods her a week later. However, I also sat through The Proposal and could just as easily start whipping out sparklers. I'm a raging conflict of emotions.
Sandra Bullock should probably get tested
Because Jesse James banged this without a condom.
I'm not saying all women with tattoos who fuck married man have VD, but I'm also not saying "You just got Blind Sided!" hasn't become the proper medical term for genital warts. Just so there's no confusion.
Thanks to Willie Dixon in the comments.
UPDATE: Added a bunch more pics after the jump.
Continue Reading "Sandra Bullock should probably get tested"
Angelina Jolie & Johnny Depp on a boat and other news
- Mackenzie Phillips got ripped off. [Dlisted]
- Lady GaGa is goddamn MacGuyer. [Lainey Gossip]
- Pamela Anderson's vagina won't stop at shorts. Mark my words. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
- Jennifer Aniston still doesn't get movie premieres. [HollywoodTuna]
- David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmell join forces against Leno. [PopEater]
- Kendra Wilkinson sounds like an awesome mom. [TheFABlife]
- Amy Poehler's pregnant again. [Huffington Post]
- Robert Pattinson thinks he's James Dean now. [StarPulse]
- Shia LaBeouf hates Kourtney Kardashian. [Celebslam]
- George Clooney's life continues to own. [PopSugar]
- Miley Cyrus is very spiritual in her "own way." Read: If the south asks, I'm still a Christian. [Just Jared]
- Tim Burton picks out Helena Bonham Carter's clothes. He has to. [The Blemish]
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Continue Reading "Angelina Jolie & Johnny Depp on a boat and other news"
Lindsay Lohan texted her dad in the hospital
Michael Lohan claims Lindsay sent him a text after learning he suffered a heart attack yesterday, according to RadarOnline:
"I got a text message from Lindsay which read: 'OMG. Hope you are okay' and my other kids have all been in contact with me too.
"My girlfriend Kate Major slept here with me overnight and my spirits have been lifted by the support from both my family and friends.
"I've been through a lot in my life, been to jail, various court cases, even drove my Ferrari over a cliff once, so, it's going to take a lot more than this to finish me off!
Surprisingly Michael Lohan isn't talking out his ass because The Superficial has obtained a full transcript of their conversation:
xxx-xxx-8008: OMG hope you are okay xxx-xxx-7734: i'll survive. if you show me your boobs :) xxx-xxx-8008: can't. having sex. xxx-xxx-7734: with who? xxx-xxx-8008: like id know xxx-xxx-7734: that's alright. ill just kick kate in the vagina. xxx-xxx-7734: love you! xxx-xxx-8008: [no response]
Continue Reading "Lindsay Lohan texted her dad in the hospital"
Jesse James cheated on Sandra Bullock
Fresh off her Oscar win, Sandra Bullock has essentially confirmed rumors Jesse James cheated on her by pulling out the UK premiere of The Blind Side which Warner Bros. has decided to scrap all together. BBC News reports:
Warner Brothers said the star, who won the best actress Academy Award last week, will not travel to the UK due to "unforeseen circumstances".
The premiere had been due to take place next Tuesday in London.
The cancellation announcement coincided with unconfirmed reports in the US media regarding the actress's marriage.
What's even more surprising is the rumors came from InTouch which means it might as well have been written by Tila Tequila:
While Jesse has had an 11-month affair, including five weeks of sex, with Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, she believed he and Sandra were no longer together. "I would never have hooked up with him if I thought he was a married man," Michelle tells In Touch in an exclusive interview. "He gave me the impression they were separated." For weeks, while Sandra was in Atlanta shooting The Blind Side, Michelle had sex at least once a week with the Monster Garage star. Far from a one-night stand, his relationship with Michelle was intimate and highly charged. Michelle even says she called Jesse, who didn't wear underwear or condoms, by a special pet name, Vanilla Gorilla, because he was so "well-endowed."
Vanilla Gorilla? HA! No wonder people cheat so much. That shit's hilarious. Seriously, I don't even know how you get mad at something like that. "But, baby, she called herself 'Bombshell' and I was 'Vanilla Gorilla.' You should be laughing instead of aiming that gun directly at my penis."
UPDATE: Posted pics of Michelle Bombshell here.
