Dec 6 2006Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn really break up this time

Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have officially broken up after more than a year together. Reps for the couple tell People:

"After Jennifer's trip to London several weeks ago, Jennifer and Vince mutually agreed to end their relationship but continue to be good friends today."

I can't even pretend to care about this, so instead I'm putting up a random picture from like two years ago of Jennifer leaning in to kiss another woman. Did she break up with Vince Vaughn because she's a lesbian? Pictures don't lie, my friends. And I didn't get this Pulitzer Prize by making stuff up.*

* No, I had to hide in an alley and beat somebody up to get this bad boy.

Oct 19 2006Vince Vaughn gets an apology

Page Six issued an apology today after Vince Vaughn's lawyers filed a complaint against them for running stories claiming he cheated on Jennifer Aniston with a blonde woman in the UK. They write:

Jennifer Aniston went on "Oprah" to tell the world she and Vince Vaughn are still together. We apologize to Vaughn for reporting on Oct. 11 that the "The Wedding Crashers" star had been photographed "making out" with a "mystery blonde" at a party in London. The item, first reported in the London Sun, was incorrect. We're advised Vaughn was merely greeting a friend at the event and not kissing her "passionately." Any suggestion that the actor was being unfaithful to Aniston is totally false.

The only time anybody should ever apologize to Vince Vaughn is if it's sarcastic and they've just beaten him in a race or something, like "Sorry I made you eat my dust" or "Sorry you suck" or "Sorry I slept with your mom." Because seriously, the guy's an ass. I offered to buy him a beer once and he punched me in the face and called my little cousin a whore. That's not cool, man.

Thanks to the delicately delicious Debs for the tip. And thanks to me for being the master of alliteration.

Oct 16 2006Vince Vaughn sues for cheating on Jennifer Aniston

Vince Vaughn is set to sue the Sun, Daily Mirror, and New York Post after they claimed he kissed a "mystery woman" at a London charity event at the Old Vic theater earlier this month. The Sun and Daily Mirror articles ran a photograph of Vaughn kissing a blonde woman (above) which Vaughn will argue was "seriously misleading" and that "the suggestion he was involved in a passionate embrace and kiss was false."

I'm looking at the picture and that looks about as close to a passionate embrace as Vince Vaughn is capable of. Considering he's a lumbering bear she should just be glad he's not using his mouth to drag her back to his cave by her neck.

Thanks to the oddly named N & D for the tip, though I suspect they may or may not be a chain of tire stores.

Oct 4 2006Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn break up

Us Weekly's cover story is that Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston have split. A source close to Vince says the split happened just before he left for London to begin work and that Vince told the source: "It's not common knowledge, but we're not together anymore. We've split up." Additionally, a friend of Jennifer confirmed: "They're 100% done."

No specific reason was given for the split, but I suspect it might have something to do with them being the two most grumpy human beings on the planet Earth. The only person I've seen who's more consistently bitter is my friend Dan, and he was born with a pair of testicles on is face.

Aug 16 2006Jennifer Aniston is really angry

Jennifer Aniston called up People today to set the record straight that she's not engaged to Vince Vaughn. She says in an angry interview:

"I'm not engaged and I don't have a ring and I haven't been proposed to. Normally we don't even acknowledge these things because they're endless, at this point, the thing that got me was that I was getting phone calls from Greece! My Aunt Mary in Greece is getting accused of lying! I mean, they're getting angry. My dad calls and he says, 'Honey, it's on the CNN crawl,' and I'm going, 'Wait a second!' When it starts to travel over into the Today show and CNN and supposedly reliable and accurate news programs, then you just go, 'This is insane. People are getting fed a lot of bull. I don't feed into that. We (her friends) don't talk about it. We don't hash it out because it's not true. The only reason I'm saying something is because if we're listening to the news, we're supposed to be believing in the news. Tabloids are going to lie all the time. You’re prepared for that. But it's the news. And you think, 'Well, we need to trust what our newscasters are saying when we have this horrific situation that's actually taking place in the world, I mean, we are getting reported the truth, right? The American people need to believe (the news). Please. Get it together. So that's all.”

Jennifer Aniston needs to pull that stick from her ass and shove it through her throat. She and Vince are compulsive liars assholes when it comes to their personal lives and to somehow compare the accuracy of reporting over her love life versus that of the situation in the Middle East or London shows how pompous and pathetic she is. Nobody actually gives a shit if she's engaged to Vince Vaughn. So to go on a little power trip and critique the media for not accurately reporting about her love life makes me want to dropkick her through a window off the top story of a skyscraper. Ideally landing on top of a helicopter. Filled with bears.

NOTE: Yeah, I'm a little overly angry here. But you said I was the prettiest girl of all, Vince. Me! I was!

Aug 10 2006Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn may or may not be engaged

Us Weekly is reporting that Vince Vaughn proposed to Jennifer Aniston but Jennifer's rep has issued a statement saying it's not true. Aniston reportedly accepted the proposal as they returned from a nine-day vacation in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico on their private jet. A friend of the couple says Vaughn intended to propose on the beach, but decided at the last minute to do it on the plane before they landed.

"He was going to propose on the beach during the trip, but he chickened out because he wasn�t sure if she would accept," said "friend" gabbed. "But he knew he was leaving town for awhile, so he just felt he had to ask her before they landed."

And apparently Jennifer's rep has a habit of denying things which turn out to be true.

For example, in November 1999, when Aniston was spotting wearing a diamond sparkler on her left ring finger, Huvane denied that she was engaged to Brad Pitt, claiming the bauble was "not an engagement ring," and he continued to deny that the pair planned to marry up until their June 29, 2000 wedding.

In December 2004, two weeks before Pitt and Aniston announced their split, Huvane maintained that all was well in their union. "They are looking forward to spending the holidays with each other. There is no split. They are fine," he told Us Weekly.

In February 2005, Huvane denied reports that Aniston planned to move back into her former Hollywood Hills home, claiming it had been leased out to Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher. Lo and behold, the couple was asked to move out that month so that Aniston could move back in later that year.

Finally, when rumors that Aniston and Vaughn were dating first surfaced in July 2005, Huvane denied there was any romantic interest. "Vince is a good friend of Jennifer's. I think the tabloids are so eager to see her with someone romantically that they just make these false assumptions," he told the New York Post.

So basically they're probably engaged and Jennifer's rep is a lying bastard. Although Life & Style also reported they were engaged a month ago, but with a different story. So really everybody's just making stuff up. Except for me. I only report the truth. Especially when it comes to the size of my humongous penis. Except sometimes I downplay it just to be modest.

Jul 6 2006Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn are engaged

Life & Style is reporting that Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston are engaged after Vaughn proposed during their recent trip to Paris to promote The Break-Up. Jennifer has allegedly invited Brad Pitt's mom to the wedding and Vaughn is trying to get in shape for the big day, with Aniston telling a friend: "He's started the Zone diet, and he's working out. He looks great." Aniston is reportedly waiting for the heat over Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby to die down before trading vows, although an insider insists Aniston is getting serious about her wedding plans, saying: "Jen's already asked Courteney Cox to be her matron of honor."

The source is Life & Style so I wouldn't take the news too seriously. When you make up half your stories it's pretty easy to forget when you're telling the truth. Just the other day I paid a homeless guy $20 to tell me Vin Diesel lost his virginity to a mop. And now I can write with confidence that a source exclusively revealed to me that Vin Diesel lost his virginity to a mop. Bad reporting? Or the shocking truth!

Jun 12 2006Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn hate life

Either they can't stand each other or Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn are just the most serious and angry people in the world. You'd think having $100 bajillion and the resources to do whatever you want with your life would make you a happy person, and yet every picture I've ever seen of Jennifer Aniston she's either pouting or putting on a forced smile. It's okay for Vince since he's a guy and that's what guys do, but there's no reason for Jennifer to be so bitter. I guess not being with me is harder for women than I thought. Damn you life-ruining good looks. Damn you.

Some more of Jennifer and Vince being serious after the jump.

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