Nov 3 2008Keanu Reeves is 'The One' - who doesn't have to pay shit
Keanu Reeves won a lawsuit today when a jury of his peers determined he is not liable for the injuries of papparazzo Alison Shiva. Alison claims Keanu struck him with his Porsche in 2007 which damaged his wrist and caused him to lose work. Unfortunately, Alison is too stupid to realize he works around people with cameras all day who snapped pics of him chasing Britney Spears shortly after the alleged incident. The AP reports:
Over the course of four days, jurors heard how Silva gave contradictory statements about what happened and even saw a video of the celeb shooter using his supposedly damaged hand to scale down a chain link fence after getting video of Britney Spears.
Reeves stayed for the whole trial, testifying and signing the occasional autograph in the hallway.
How in the hell do you lose a lawsuit where Keanu Reeves gives testimony? That's got to be scientifically impossible. All this Alison guy had to do was point at the actor and say "Keanu Reeves was driving a vehicle," and the jury would yell "Guilty, guilty!" before jumping out the window in terror. In fact, I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself thinking about it. Nope, wait; false alarm. Pudding cup in my back pocket again. What? I love butterscotch.
Oct 29 2008Keanu Reeves on trial, somehow not for his acting
Shocker—Keanu Reeves is not the best of drivers, and now he's being sued for it. I know, I know; it sounds impossible, but as E! Online reports:
A vengeful paparazzo has put The Devil's Advocate star on the hot seat.
Keanu Reeves took the stand at his civil trial today and denied dinging a photographer with his car as he was trying to evade flashbulbs back in March 2007, allegedly leaving the photog with debilitating injuries.
Using his hands to illustrate the scene, the 44-year-old star testified that he inched his black 1996 Porsche 911 Cabrio forward slowly to prod the paparazzo in question, Alison Silva, to put down his camera and move away from the vehicle.
"Did you hit him?" Reeves was asked by his attorney, Alfred W. Gerisch.
"No," the actor replied.
Reeves asserted his Porsche never touched Silva, insisting the camera man walked backwards, lost balance and tripped over his own feet.
"Are you sure of that?"
"Yes," said Reeves, adding that the only contact between his car and the shutterbug was when Silva put his hand on the hood.
Silva sued the Speed star for unspecified damages stemming from "serious injuries" suffered to his left wrist, causing pain and suffering and severely limited his earnings capacity.
In his suit, Silva alleged Reeves was covering his face when he was behind the wheel and acted negligently when he pulled away from the curb.
I'm still not sure how dinging a paparazzo is grounds for a lawsuit instead of cause for a Congressional Medal of Honor, but then there's a lot about the law I don't understand. (For instance, driving without pants—when the hell did that become a misdemeanor?) But this should be an entertaining trial, if only for the testimony:
LAWYER: Could you please state your name for the record?
KEANU: ...
LAWYER: Let the record show that defendant pointed to an image of himself on a tattered, yellowed newspaper ad for Little Buddha. Now, Mr. Reeves, can you tell the court what happened on the day in question?
KEANU: Can I have a Claritin?
LAWYER: Uh...???
JUDGE: I believe the defendant is asking for a clarification, counsel.
LAWYER: Very well, then. Can you tell me what happened on the day that the complainant alleges that you hit him with your car?
KEANU: Oh. Ummm....blueberries?
LAWYER: *rubs temples* Your honor, I would like to request a recess until defendant is able to properly answer the question.
KEANU: Whoa....
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