May 9 2009Tobey Maguire has a baby boy
Today's award for most boring story goes to Tobey Maguire and his wife, Jennifer Meyer, who welcomed their second child today. Us reports:
"I can confirm the Maguires had a baby boy today and the family is healthy and happy," the rep adds.No name was released.
Why can't celebrity births be more exciting? It's always, "They welcomed home a healthy baby boy today" or some other boring crap. Just once I'd like to see a rep go, "My God. I...I don't even know what it was. I'm pretty sure I saw a tail and some horns. The doctors were screaming. And blood. There was blood everywhere. I think they've got it cornered in the hospital basement but we won't know for sure until SWAT gets here."
Oct 29 2008Steven Spielberg directs Tom Cruise and an effin' gaggle of celebs in a horribly meta "Get out the Vote" video
Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Justin Timberlake, Scarlett Johannson, Ryan Reynolds, Harrison Ford, Borat, Shia LaBeouf, Tobey MaDumbFace and a shitload of celebrities got together for a follow-up to the "Five Friends" video encouraging people to vote. Jesus, these things have sequels now? At least they got Spielberg to direct. Or, more like, FUCK they got Spielberg to direct. Thanks for the CGI gophers in Indy 4, asshole!
I don't know about you guys, but this was definitely the last straw for me. I am so ready for this election to be over before Ashton Kutcher tells me to vote one more time, and I strangle him with a Kaballah bracelet. I honestly can't wait to wake up on November 5th and learn our next president is... George Bush! Who will undoubtedly declare martial law and proclaim himself "Galactic Umpire" while Natalie Portman gives effortless birth to Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia. You heard it here first.
Oct 1 2008'Don't Vote' celebrity PSA attempts to stretch thinly-veiled sarcasm for five minutes
A ridiculous amount of celebs got together to make this "edgy" video encouraging young people to vote. Here's the YouTube summary:
Leonardo DiCaprio, will i. am, Tobey Maguire, and Forest Whitaker have created public service announcements to encourage American youth to register to vote. The non-partisan PSAs, produced by DiCaprios Appian Way, were created to engage and inspire young people to register and vote and participate in the upcoming election.
And guess what, kids? They use bad words. Holy shit! In fact, Jonah Hill even endorses getting high and playing Halo. Damn, now I'm totally voting! Thanks, sarcastic stars of stage and screen. If it weren't for the emotionless face of Tobey Maguire, I would've sat at home like a fag. U.S.A!
Apr 27 2007Tobey Maguire is an asshole
Tobey Maguire smacked a camera out of the hand of a fan who tried to get his picture while he was headed back to his hotel in Paris. The guy wasn't even paparazzi. It's like the cast of Spider-Man is having a competition to see who can make me hate them the most. Tobey Maguire is being a dick and Kirsten Dunst is, well, just being herself. Which, ironically, puts her in the lead for the fifth straight year in a row. And also in a never ending battle against werewolves.
Nov 13 2006Tobey Maguire has a baby
Tobey Maguire and his fiance, jewely designer Jennifer Meyer, had a baby daughter last friday. And she pretty much got the shaft, because besides being the bastard child of an unwed couple, her parents are like the opposite of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Pitt and Jolie's kid is destined to conquer the world with her good looks whereas this kid is probably gonna be forced to live in a cave in the mountains.
Dec 16 2005Tobey Maguire getting married, maybe
Sorry to disappoint all those guys who like their Spiderman to swing both ways, but Tobey Maguire is reportedly planning to propose to his girlfriend of two years, 28-year-old Jennifer Meyer.
According to friends, the decision to pop the question came about thanks to his best friend Leonardo DiCaprio. A source says, "Leo is still down about losing Gisele, and he told Tobey that if he really loves Jen, he should step up to the table and not twiddle his thumbs about marriage. He told me he absolutely wants to marry Jennifer in the coming year. He doesn't want to lose her!"
I don't know much about Tobey. He seems like an ok person. But getting love advice from a guy who lost arguably one of the most beautiful women on the planet might not be a good idea. Especially if that guy has been recently linked with Sienna Miller, who is about three bad dates away from a real-life re-enactment of Fatal Attraction. But hey - good luck with that.
Dec 11 2005Chris Rock will not host the Oscars
Your only reason for watching the Oscars is gone. The Academy has decided to find a new host for the upcoming awards show. It turns out Chris Rock pissed off the wrong people by pointing out the obvious during last year's event.
Word is, Rock alienated some academy members when he hosted the award show because he mocked the very thesphood of such thespians as Tobey Maguire and Jude Law. An enraged Sean Penn stood up to defend Law, saying the Brit was ``one of our finest actors.''
Great, now I'll probably have to marvel at 3 and a half hours of Whoopi Goldberg's comedic prowess. Or even better, Billy Crystal. It's clear that they're trying to kill off an already dwindling audience, so why not just bring in Gallagher and get it over with?
Jun 21 2005I have no idea what to call this one
Never think for a second that famous Hollywood stars like Leo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire and David Blaine aren’t just like you or me. Why, I can’t count the number of times growing up when me and my buddies sat around in kimonos enjoying a Japanese tea service with our schlongs hanging out. Oh, wait, yes I can. Turns out it was zero.
To be fair, this picture may or may not be photoshopped. And if it is, I’m gonna guess Tobey Maguire is the one who did it. And not just for that one obvious reason, but also cause he’s kind of a fat lump, and here he looks like the trim gay porn star that his acting range suggests he should be. I know I haven’t been real clear about the hot penis action you're going to see in the very NSFW picture after the jump, but that’s only because I’ve been stabbing myself in the temple with an ice pick since seeing it, and I think I finally found the part of my brain that controls remembering horrific images. Oh, yeaahhh, that’s the spot.
Thanks to Daniel for sending this in. Wait, did I say “thanks”, I meant to say “I hate you.”
