Oct 6 2009Ryan Jenkins blames Jasmine Fiore in suicide note

Police have found a suicide note on Ryan Jenkin's hard drive that gives a pretty fucked up look into what he was thinking while on the run for murdering his wife Jasmine Fiore (above). People reports:

In the letter, the Megan Wants a Millionaire star blames Fiore for his predicament, saying she was beautiful, he loved her, and she made him jealous by sleeping with former boyfriends.
"It was clearly defined that Mr. Jenkins was jealous of multiple side relationships that she had," Buena Park Police Sgt. William Kohanek tells PEOPLE.
Jenkins doesn't mention in the one-and-a-half-page letter Fiore's death, the manner in which she died, or that he was a suspect in her death - very incriminating omissions, Kohanek says.
"The lack of acknowledging that he'd just lost his wife speaks volumes," Kohanek says.

Just so we're clear, Ryan Jenkins essentially blamed the woman he murdered, mutilated and shoved in a suitcase for her own death and his eventual suicide. Then again, Jasmine did text her old boyfriend that one time, so clearly this was her plan all along. Strippers: Nature's most diabolical masterminds.

Aug 23 2009Ryan Jenkins found dead in motel

By hanging himself in a motel room in Canada, VH1 reality star Ryan Alexander Jenkins has basically confessed to killing and mutilating his wife Jasmine Fiore. The AP reports:

Canadian police say fugitive murder suspect Ryan Jenkins has been found dead of an apparent suicide in a motel in British Columbia. Sgt. Duncan Pound of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police border integrity unit says police responded to a call about a dead person in Hope, east of Vancouver, and then called investigators who were part of the massive manhunt for Jenkins.
The real estate developer and reality show contestant was wanted in California on first-degree murder charges after the mutilated body of his ex-wife was found near Los Angeles.

Well, at least now we don't have to lie to the Canadians about not giving this guy the chair. (We totally were, hosers. Ha Ha!)

Thanks to Jamie Lee and everyone who kept an eye on the news while I sat on the couch watching True Blood and Mad Men like some sort of Greek God of Lethargy. Good lookin' out.

Apr 3 2009Demi Moore stops suicide attempt with Twitter

Demi Moore's Twitter addiction thwarted a suicide attempt after receiving a disturbing tweet last night. (God, I hate you Twitter.) E! News reports:

"I'm just wondering if anyone cares that I'm gonna kill myself now," she wrote to the star. Serious or not, her previous messages that hour--not directed at any one particular person--showed the Silicon Valley girl contemplating suicide and wavering on the decision.
Shortly thereafter, the girl messaged the Ghost star again. "Getting a knife, a big one that is sharp. Going to cut my arm down the whole arm so it doesn't waste time," she wrote.
Moore immediately replied, "Hope you are joking," sharing the scenario with her nearly 400,000 followers.
The brief exchange spurred many people to action, and the San Jose Police Department was flooded with calls on the matter.

Like any good Twittee, Demi updated her followers on the situation. And so did Ashton because they do everything together. *sigh*:

"Everyone I was very torn about responding or retweeting that woman's post but felt uncomfortable just letting it go," Moore told her followers an hour later. In another post, she wrote, "Thanks everyone for reaching out to the San Jose PD I am told they are aware and no need to call anymore. I do not know this woman."
A few hours later, the celebrity tweeted a confirmation of the events' validity. "It is my understanding that the situation was not a joke and that through the collective efforts here, action was taken to provide help."
Or, as husband Ashton Kutcher wrote on his own feed: "wifey reported a suicide attempt based on a at reply tweet she got and saved someones life. the woman is in the hospital now."

Great. So Demi Moore just validated the entire Twitter community which apparently consists of suicidal maniacs, her douche of a husband and Heidi Montag. Narcissism: It saves lives - as long as you look at me!

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Oct 3 2007Britney Spears’ family expects her to die

Britney Spears’ aunt Chanda McGovern is speaking out about her family’s fear that Britney will commit suicide. And here we go, finally the family members are being dug out of the south and interviewed. The circus is now complete. Now I am the master. Whoops, sorry, ignore that last line. Here’s what Chanda had to say to The Sun:

On Britney possibly committing suicide:
“We are worried about suicidal tendencies in her. Everything is spiraling down and she has not got a backbone — a family member to help her. We fear that one day we may turn on the TV that she’s done something terrible to herself.”

On Britney’s outlandish behavior:
“Every time you turn the TV on it’s something and every time it’s more negative than the last. It gets worse and worse. Not wearing panties is not something a true southern girl would do. Then, in front of the paparazzi when she crashed into the car and said, ‘Oops’ and took off, she knows better than that.”

On Britney’s VMA performance:
“In some of the clips we’ve seen it looks like either she’s on something or so drunk she doesn’t know what world she’s in. It’s heartbreaking. Everybody is human, but she needs to come back down to earth. Her mother was always her backbone. Since they’ve fallen out everything has gone to hell.”

On Britney’s kids:
“The kids came second and her party life came first so it really wasn’t a shock that the kids have been taken away from her. It was just very disappointing. You just want to reach out and grab her and hug her and tell her you love her. I want to knock some sense into her and say, ‘Britney — wake up!’”

Look, I’ve got this whole thing figured out. I can’t sit on the sidelines without offering some sort of assistance here. What you need with Britney is some sort of reward system. Every time she gets the kids to brush her teeth, hey, here’s a Chalupa. Make it one day without dropping one, surprise, welcome to your Blizzard. Now for the more serious matters; If Britney makes it a whole week without drinking, Ronald McDonald will come to her house and bring a sack full of Big Macs. You might question my methods, but keep in mind I’m not a licensed therapist. I did house-train a dog once, so I think that qualifies me in regards to Britney. Actually I think that makes me overqualified, but I don’t have time to quibble over details.

Sep 5 2007Kate Hudson is barred from Owen Wilson

Owen Wilson’s family is preventing Kate Hudson from reaching out to him after his attempted suicide last week, according to NY Daily News:

A source close to the actress says her attempts to send regards have been rebuffed by Wilson's camp. “Kate has been trying to get in touch with Owen and is distraught that the family doesn't want her anywhere near him,” says a pal. “She is very frustrated.”

I don’t see why Kate can’t talk to Owen. What’s the harm? It’s not like she broke up with him causing a relapse of his heroin addiction which led to depression and a failed suicide attempt. What’s that? That’s exactly what happened? Hmm, awkward. I could really use a distraction right now. Hey, look, it’s Eva Longoria in a bikini. Keys! Where are my keys?

Aug 30 2007Owen Wilson didn't overdose

An attorney for Owen Wilson tells Access Hollywood that Owen did slit his wrists, but contrary to reports there was no drug overdose and he didn't get his stomach pumped. The attorney adds that Owen had been taking antidepressants, but he was not aware of any other drugs in his system at the time of the incident. And if you're wondering if the 911 tapes will ever be released, the Santa Monica City Attorney’s office says no:

“In reaching this decision the City believes that in many instances no person should have to worry about whether placing a call for emergency assistance will automatically make his or her medical request open to public review,” the City Attorney’s office said in a press release late Wednesday. “In balancing the competing interests, the City agencies outweigh the public interest served by disclosure of the emergency 911 call. In situation such as this, the City concludes that the public is best served if medical attention is promptly sought instead of being delayed because of a concern, real or imagined, of public attention, regardless of whether that publicity is sympathetic or not.”

See, guys? All he did was slit his wrists. It's not like he overdosed on drugs or anything. I bet all you guys who said he had problems must feel pretty embarrassed right about now.

Aug 29 2007Owen Wilson was hooked on drugs

Owen Wilson was reportedly struggling with depression and hooked on heroin and cocaine, and it was his drug addiction that caused his breakup with Kate Hudson. And who's to blame for all this? Apparently some British guy named Steve Coogan. The New York Post reports:

"I went through it with Steve," Coogan's former girlfriend, rocker Courtney Love, told US.

"I was just out of rehab, and he was right there with the drugs. I tried to warn Owen. I tried to warn his friends. I hope from the bottom of my heart that Owen stays the hell away from that guy."

Wilson's addiction was so severe, his pal Woody Harrelson tried to stage an intervention at his home in Maui.

"Owen went to Maui, Hawaii, to kick his habit," a longtime Wilson pal told the mag. "He was like a baby on that couch."

The friend said that heroin was the first thing that came to mind when Wilson and Hudson split and he suddenly "disappeared off the face of the earth."

"I thought, briefly, he might be back on heroin, but we all really felt he'd kicked that ages ago," his friend said.

It's bad enough this Steve Coogan guy basically made Owen Wilson want to kill himself, but you seriously have to reexamine your life if Courtney Love calls you a bad influence. I saw her make out with a hypodermic needles once and the only complaint she had was that it was "kind of pokey."

Aug 27 2007UPDATE - Owen Wilson attempts suicide

Owen Wilson was taken to St. John’s hospital in Santa Monica, California Sunday afternoon and the National Enquirer is claiming it was a suicide attempt. They say that he sliced his left wrist and took an overdose of pills. He was transferred from St. John’s after being stabilized to be detoxed and details are still coming out.

He was definitely hospitalized Sunday, but the National Enquirer is the only one saying it was suicide. Although for every story they write about Abraham Lincoln being a killer cyborg from the future they still manage to be right every now and then. And this one just feels right. Like the article they wrote about me breaking the world bench pressing record and then spending my free time rescuing puppies from fires. That's just good journalism.

UPDATE: Owen Wilson has issued the following very boring statement which says absolutely nothing about whether or not he actually tried to kill himself: "I respectfully ask that the media allow me to receive care and heal in private during this difficult time."