Nov 2 2009Ryan Seacrest's stalker was Special Forces. Sweet!
Ryan Seacrest's knife-wielding stalker who was arrested at E! Studios Friday is apparently a highly trained killing machine for the Army which issued a public apology to the radio host today. TMZ reports:
TMZ just spoke with Lt. Col. Nathan Banks, an Army spokesperson, who told us: "We apologize to Ryan Seacrest. Pending the outcome of the local investigation, the Army will decide what further action to take. We take all matters of our personnel seriously."
As TMZ first reported, Chidi Uzomah is currently a member of the U.S. Army reserves -- and is assigned to a special forces unit. Translation -- he's a very dangerous man.
Obviously this proves the Pentagon is engaged in a vendetta against Ryan Seacrest for producing Keeping Up with the Kardashians and, of course, they found a way to fuck it all up. So listen up, Washington, I don't pay taxes for pansy stealth operations, I pay taxes for people to use tanks. Now let's finish this thing and get our boys home. USA! USA! USA!
Apr 20 2009Britney Spears' alleged stalker was 'just making a documentary'
Britney Spears' alleged stalker Miranda Tozier-Robbins apparently isn't a stalker, despite looking in Britney's windows, and was simply researching a documentary on the paparazzi, according to E! News:
"The documentary is more or less just, [me] on the way to Britney's house, going on the bicycle ride, the camping out in the woods," says Tozier-Robbins.
While she confesses to being a fan of Spears, Tozier-Robbins claims that she is in no way a stalker. "There's no obsession with Britney. Somebody else can go ahead and claim the title of Britney's stalker, because I sure as heck don't want it, you know!"
Once on the property, Tozier-Robbins was immediately caught by a Spears security guard and arrested for trespassing. She received a citation and was released.
But Tozier-Robbins tells E! that she would do something like this again in the future--minus the trespassing.
A judge actually bought all this, so if you'll excuse me, I need to film a documentary from the inside of Mila Kunis' shower. Also, my camera only works when I'm naked if I could get that that added to the record, your honor.
Apr 17 2009Britney Spears' stalker arrested
Former American Idol contestant Miranda Tozier-Robbins was arrested yesterday after sneaking onto Britney Spears' property and looking in the windows of her mansion. The alleged stalker was clad in a camouflage outfit, according to E! News:
According to the Malibu/Lost Hills Station, an L.A. County Sheriff's deputy arrested 26-year-old Miranda Tozier-Robbins on suspicion of trespassing and disorderly conduct after security guards spied her peeping into Spears' abode.
After realizing, "Hey, that isn't the window washer," one of the private guards asked her to leave the prestigious Oaks neighborhood. When she seemed reluctant to do so, they physically escorted her off the property and called the cops.
E! News has exclusively learned that Tozier-Robbins auditioned for American Idol in Boston in October 2005 with the Spears tune "Everytime"--and made it to the second round.
Obviously, she didn't make it into the spotlight, but it was an improvement for her after being denied a golden ticket the previous year in Orlando. She subsequently blogged all about her experience.
In addition to listing Spears as her favorite artist, Tozier-Robbins wrote in her "about me" section: "I have issues but I'm working on them."
Obviously this is all part of a coordinated effort by the producers of American Idol to kill current pop stars making the show a necessity to fill the void. -- I want in. But no promises I won't go rogue and blow up the show after completing the mission. That said, just ignore the C-4 in my trunk with Simon Cowell's face on it. It, uh, came with the car.
Mar 26 2009Shawn Johnson's armed fan wanted to impregnate her
Crazed stalker Robert O'Ryan was arrested after he attempted to break on to the Dancing with the Stars set and kidnap 17-year-old Olympic medalist Shawn Johnson. The 34-year-old Florida man was armed and believed he was destined to impregnate Shawn, according to TMZ:
According to documents filed by Johnson, "The LAPD searched [O'Ryan's] vehicle and located a loaded .45 handgun, a loaded shotgun, and materials classically used for kidnapping including duct tape, zip ties, and a map to the victim. Also found were love letters, clippings and other information on the victim."
According to the documents, O'Ryan told police "He had packed all his belongings and permanently left Florida to drive out here to be with [Shawn Johnson], he believes that she speaks to him personally through the television set and through ESP and that they will have a child together, he stated he would be with her no matter what."
She speaks to him through the television via ESP. Wow. Why does nothing cool like that happen to me when I watch TV? All I ever see is Santa Claus stabbing celebs in the face then telling me to be a good boy this year. You know, normal shit.
Feb 11 2009Robert Pattinson feeds his stalkers
Good news, crazies. Robert Pattinson, of Twilight fame/hysteria, actually feeds the women who stalk him. No more eating scraps of his garbage for you! At least out of hunger. MSNBC reports:
“I had a stalker while filming a movie in Spain last year,” Pattinson told Crème Magazine, as reported by England’s Press Association. “She stood outside of my apartment every day for weeks — all day every day. I was so bored and lonely that I went out and had dinner with her.”
Unfortunately for the obsessed fan, Pattinson did not have the fairytale first date in store that the woman might have been hoping for.
“I just complained about everything in my life and she never came back,” the 22-year-old said. “People get bored of me in, like, two minutes.”
Apparently, Robert doesn't suspect getting stabbed by a statue of Edward Cullen made from tears and paper mache, so think of this as the best Valentine's Day gift EVER.
Dec 9 2008Fran Drescher for Senate (And other insanity)
The day's events:
- Fran Drescher campaigning for Hillary Clinton's open senate seat. In related news, Fran Drescher is alive! [People]
- Jay Leno signs on for a Tonight Show-esque program on NBC at 10 PM. Meanwhile, Conan O'Brien does a Fuck You-esque motion towards network execs. [New York Times]
- Mariah Carey reportedly seen holding a sonogram outside doctor's office and celebrating. Nobody thought she could steal it, but Ha! What now, bitches? [Page Six]
- Paula Abdul claims stalker wanted to kill her. Whoa, wait, stalkers don't want to kill. They just want to watch your soul escape through the knife wound in your abdomen. God, read a book. [TMZ]
Continue Reading "Fran Drescher for Senate (And other insanity)"
Nov 20 2008Jennifer Garner has her very own stalker (Aww...)
Jennifer Garner is a pretty smart mom. She's read all the books and knows there's one thing to definitely avoid during pregnancy: A crazed lunatic who claims to hear directly from God. (Sarah Palin?) Which is why she recently filed a restraining order against the man who's been stalking her since 2002, according to Star:
In papers filed in Los Angeles Superior Court on Nov. 7, the mom-to-be asks for protection against Steven R. Burky, 36, who she alleges has "engaged in obsessive and harassing behavior, posting about me on the Internet, sending me multiple packages and letters containing delusional and paranoid thoughts and following me around the country, through multiple states, to make contact with me."
Jennifer's sworn affidavit states that Burky has shown up at her private residence — where she lives with hubby Ben Affleck and their 2-year-old, Violet — and said that "God sent him a vision" that the actress would be persecuted in a way that could result in her death.
Why do stalkers always seem to have a shitload of frequent flier miles? This guy apparently followed Jennifer Garner "around the country, through multiple states." Jesus. Do you know the last time I went on vacation? I was eight. And it wasn't so much a vacation as my dad telling me that mowing the yard was this "Disney Land" all my friends were talking about. It wasn't. But I did get bit by a snake and hallucinated Goofy stabbed him with the hedge clippers. Ha ha! That's not how you give someone a handshake.
EDIT: Added a pic of Crazy Crazystein along with copies of some of the letters he sent Jennifer Garner. In case you want to make your own stalker letters at home with a friend.
Continue Reading "Jennifer Garner has her very own stalker (Aww...)"
Nov 14 2008Paula Abdul's stalker - was a stalker
Recently, a narrative has started that Paula Goodspeed, the woman found dead outside Paula Abdul's home from an apparent overdose/suicide, was not a stalker and Paula Abdul killed her. Goodspeed's friends and family have come to her defense despite overwhelming evidence including her real name is actually Sandra, and she's OD'd before outside Paula Abdul's house. Also, People reports Ms. Goodspeed dropped some crazy on the American Idol judge's doorstep just last week:
Last week, Paula Abdul got flowers with a note signed, "Love, J.T." and the message, "Hope you're doing great. Here's my new cell number."
Thinking they had come from her restaurateur boyfriend J.T. Torregiani, Abdul called him asking why he had changed his number, a source close to Abdul tells PEOPLE. When he said he hadn't, Abdul knew immediately who really sent them: ex-American Idol contestant Paula Goodspeed, according to the source.
"The flower thing was really scary – Paula [Abdul] really couldn't handle that. She was terrified," says the source.
But still, friends of Paula Goodspeed insist she's innocent and wasn't obsessed with Paula Abdul, according to NY Daily News:
But a good friend has rushed to the defense of 30-year-old Paula Goodspeed, telling the Daily News that the aspiring singer wasn't a suicidal, "looney freakazoid" still obsessing over the mocking she received at her September 2005 "American Idol" audition.
Instead, Goodspeed was upbeat and planning for the future when she last communicated with pal Brianna Schlanger less than 24 hours before cops recovered her body Tuesday.
"She sent me a text at 10:22 the night before about meeting for a latte and movie. She ended the message with a happy face," said Schlanger, a model from Reseda, Calif. "She seemed fine. Something must have happened after that. It needs to be further investigated."
Okay, like most red-blooded Americans I believe in my heart of hearts that Paula Abdul eats small children while downing gin - and might possibly be the Devil. That said, Paula Goodspeed was undoubtedly a "looney freakazoid" stalker. And, if the mountain of evidence isn't enough, she ended her text message with a smiley face. Case closed :D
NOTE: Here's a screen grab from Goodspeed's MySpace page that displays a Paula Abdul photo with the caption "My secret crush.... Shhhhhhhh!" You know what keeps a good secret? Not OD'ing outside your crush's house. Crazy, I know. But it just might work.
