Dec 16 2008Pete Wentz talks about 'banging' Ashlee Simpson

Pete Wentz must want a divorce. The Fall Out Boy bassist spent the morning talking candidly with Howard Stern about his sex life with Ashlee Simpson and basically stopped short of drawing an exact diagram of her vulva. Here are the highlights via E! Online:

On her post-baby body:
And Ashlee probably didn't want him telling everyone about getting up to 150 pounds during her pregnancy, but at least he says the weight is “blazing off her—she’s a babe.” A babe with whom he has “an amazing sex life."

On their sex life before Bronx Mowgli:
Their amazing sex life is in part due to Pete’s claim that “Texas girls are fun." He spares no detail about the first time they had sex—including the place, the mirrors and what he was thinking: “Oh, my God, you are banging the girl of your dreams. We have such a sexual chemistry. Had we been on this show last year we'd probably be doing it in the green room."

On the bedroom action now:
"We do other fun stuff. She's not ready down there."

On Ashlee's breast size and other facts:
"She's a C, but I think with the breast milk it’s a D." And that she's up for anything (really, anything): "Let's just say my wife likes me to have a good time.”

I don't even want to know what qualifies as a good time for Pete Wentz, but I guarantee it ends the same exact way every time: "Don't worry, baby, homeless dudes hate cops. Now grab his feet."

Continue Reading "Pete Wentz talks about 'banging' Ashlee Simpson"

Nov 23 2008Amy Winehouse to divorce: 'It's over.' 'Only together for the sex.'

Amy Winehouse, presumably in exchange for a wheelbarrow full of crack, has revealed to News of the World that her marriage to Blake-Fielder Civil is over. He's leaving her for German model Sophie Schandorff which is a significant improvement on his part. Then again, the same thing could be said about a sea turtle:

Drug-tortured star Amy dramatically confessed: "It’s over. There’s no way back for us now. It was never going to last. We were only together for SEX. I fancied him like mad, like no one else I’ve ever known. But it’s not enough, is it?”

A friend of Amy's also revealed that her sex life with Blake was as insanely excessive as their rampant drug use. She even arranged threesomes which I'm betting involved a shitload of duct tape and hush money:

"They were into threesomes. It was Blake’s idea but Amy said she’d been with women before so it wasn’t a problem. She said she’s had a string of female lovers. Whenever Blake said he wanted three-in-a-bed Amy would fix it."

“They thought they were on this sexual journey together. And the pair of them were into some real kinky stuff, not just the usual bondage and sex games but really gross stuff you couldn’t mention in a newspaper. They were bad for each other, each pushing the other to excess, whether drugs or sex. Plus he sponged off her. And she’s awake to that now."

Just imagine getting married to the only woman in the world who still wants to have crazy sex after the honeymoon, but it's Amy Winehouse. I'll give you a minute to stop crying. Okay, now, fellas, go home and hug your wives. Hug them and say "I love you, honey. Sure, we haven't been intimate since that Christmas I spiked your coffee, but at least I can look at you without vomiting on the dog. Also, thanks for not making a big deal about the masturbating, strippers or cleaning lady."

On second thought, maybe just get her some flowers.

Continue Reading "Amy Winehouse to divorce: 'It's over.' 'Only together for the sex.'"

Nov 9 2008Mariah Carey made Nick Cannon wait until they were married to have sex

Nick Cannon is a giant sack of dumb. Apparently, he agreed not to have sex with Mariah Carey until after they were married which is unbelievably retarded. Nothing like going to your honeymoon suite to find out your wife has a penis, and you didn't sign a pre-nup. Might as well start writing those alimony checks out to "Frank" and save yourself the rush. The Daily Mirror reports:

But Mariah says hanging on for that two months from when they met in February to when they tied the knot in the Bahamas in April was well worth it.
She adds: “It’s not that we had NO intimacy, we just didn’t have complete intimacy. It’s just me, and my feelings.
“I definitely don’t want to push it on anybody else. But we both have similar beliefs, and I just thought that it would be so much more special if we waited until after we were married. And it was, and it still is.”

Kids, listen up, not having sex before marriage is probably the stupidest idea in the history of man. That's like not eating your last meal before going to the electric chair because you think they serve lobster tails in the afterlife. NEWSFLASH: They don't. (But I hear there's a Long John's.)

Continue Reading "Mariah Carey made Nick Cannon wait until they were married to have sex"

Sep 5 2008Britney Spears started hitting the bottle at 13, says mom's book

Lynne Spears tell-all book Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World is remarkably jam-packed with action for an evangelical book about parenting. Lynne reveals Britney started knocking back booze at 13 and, with her mom's help, tricked Justin Timberlake into thinking she was a virgin when really Britney nailed a football player at 14. The best part is: Justin fell for it! Oh, man, these Disney kids are dumb. Although, that could just be the drink. NY Daily News has the details:

Alcohol!:
The pop icon took a liking to booze when she was a 13-year-old Mouseketeer and began experimenting with drugs at 15.

Drugs!
By age 16, Britney's wild-child behavior stunned her family when she was caught with cocaine and marijuana on a private jet, Lynn Spears claims.

SEX!
She admits she allowed her then 16-year-old daughter to sleep with Timberlake, her Mickey Mouse Club co-star, and went along with the hoax that Britney was a virgin. Lynne Spears reveals Timberlake was misled and that Britney lost her virginity to a Kentwood, La., high school football player.

I'm starting to think the title of the book should've been Through the Storm - of Shit that I Created Because I Have the Parenting Skills of a Lawnmower. I mean, Christ, what was the point of this thing? Other than to surprise us all that Britney hasn't stripped naked and hijacked a school bus yet. That was the point? Well then, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Sep 2 2008David Duchovny did NOT cheat on Tea Leoni

David Duchovny's checked into rehab last week to seek treatment for sex addiction. Rumors were circulating that he had an affair with his tennis instructor because apparently people believe celebrities are characters on Dallas. A close friend of Mulder's set the record straight that it's a bad case of porn addiction. FOX News reports:

Alas, it isn’t so, says a close friend. Duchovny did not check in because of an extramarital fling. That much the friend is certain of. Even more so: Duchovny’s problem has been longstanding. His wife, Tea Leoni, was aware of it for some time. It had just reached a point where it had to be treated.
I have inferred from my conversation with Duchovny’s friend that this has something to do with an addiction to pornography, probably on the internet. It’s the sex equivalent of a gambling addiction, where the person is just hopelessly trapped in chat rooms.

Wait. There's porn on the Internet? .... Hold my calls.

Aug 27 2008Matthew McConaughey's mom is goddamn insane

I'm starting to understand Matthew McConaughey a whole lot more after finding about his mom Kay McConaughey's book. Entilted "I Amaze Myself" the memoir contains anecdotes about Matthew's conception and his father dying during sex. I wish I was making this up. Us Weekly reports:

“On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love,” Kay says exclusively in the latest issue of Us Weekly. “But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened. I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing," she says. "But it was just the best way to go!”
And when her man couldn’t be revived, she made sure he was taken from the house in the buff.
“I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift,” she says.

Awesome. So, Matthew McConaughey's dad's final moments were spent having Viagra-induced old people sex followed by EMTs staring at his naked cock. Oh yeah, sign me up for that. Here I was going to die young in a bank vault full of strippers and go-karts. Clearly, I have no idea how to live. I forgot the part where people look at my old dead nuts. So stupid....

Jun 18 2008Kate Hudson & Lance Armstrong act like they didn't just have sex in his apartment

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong were caught leaving his Manhattan apartment yesterday. I think the look on Kate's face says it all: "Could've used more testicle."

Continue Reading "Kate Hudson & Lance Armstrong act like they didn't just have sex in his apartment"

May 12 2008Britney Spears & Kevin Federline have 'camaraderie' which apparently means phone sex (Good to know...)

Kevin Federline's lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan paid a visit to this morning's The Today Show where he elaborated on Britney's new custody situation. He also dodged around questions of Britney and Kevin getting ready to make some more Cheetos porn. (Fingers crossed!) Here's the details via People:

"If you're going to have two parents participate in the lives of raising their children," said Kaplan, "there has to be some camaraderie between them for that to be a meaningful expectation and reality."
But are things better between the ex-husband and wife?
"When you go from where things were, when there was no visitation, to where they are now," said Kaplan, "there will be some contact … there'd be some ability to exchange a camaraderie that is necessary and a function of co-parenting together."

Britney and Kevin are definitely getting along - all the way to PhoneSexBurg! A source for Star says Kev and Brit go at it AT&T-style once a week:

While they initially chatted about their boys — Preston, 2, and Jayden, 20 months — the conversation shifted. And as Britney hoped, Kevin knew exactly how to tire her out — with hours of erotic talk!
"They have phone sex often — at least once a week," an insider tells Star. "The one thing those two have in common is their need for sex, and after they get going, there are no holds barred."

I don't know about you guys, but I fully support Kevin and Britney doing it over the phone. Wanna know why? No chance of pregnancy - I think. Hold on, let me call this girl I had phone sex with once. *beep boo bop boo beep* Hey, how are you? Long time no phone sex. Say, you don't have any kids do you? Uh huh. Your lawyer is tracing this call? Back child support, you say? Uh huh. Well, I had no idea my sperm was that strong. Uh huh. I tried putting a condom on the phone but you sounded like Darth Vader! Okay, tell you what. I'll get my checkbook and do the honorable thing. Just, uh, give me a sec here.. *runs to Mexico*