Sep 24 2009Randy Quaid wanted for 'defrauding innkeepers'

Police have issued a warrant for the arrest of Randy Quaid and his wife Eva on charges that the two have been staying at expensive hotels and bailing on the bill. TMZ reports:

There's an arrest warrant out for the Quaids for allegedly stiffing the San Ysidro Ranch near Santa Barbara out of thousands of bucks. Our sources say the reason there's a burglary warrant out for them is because cops believe when they rented the hotel room they had the intention of staying without paying -- and that fits the definition of burglary.
Our law enforcement sources tell us the reason they believe the Quaids were scamming the San Ysidro Ranch from the get-go is because they have evidence they've done it before. Our sources say the Quaids stiffed the uber-ritzy Bel Air Hotel in L.A., among other places.
In addition to burglary, the arrest warrant also lists the felony of defrauding an innkeeper.

"The felony of defrauding an innkeeper?" Goddammit, when are these old-timey laws going to stop ruining everyone's good time? For once I'd like to live in a free country where I can practice my love of disrobed haberdashery and equine copulation. 'Tis poppycock, I say!

Sep 22 2009Lindsay Lohan knew burglary suspect

Lindsay Lohan allegedly was acquainted with the suspect arrested for breaking into her house and Audrina Patridge's earlier this year, according to TMZ:

Several people who worked with her on the movie "Labor Pains" -- which was shot last year -- tell TMZ they saw Nick Prugo hanging out on the set with Lindsay. One person who worked on the set estimates she saw them together at least 10 times.
Prugo -- who is 18 -- was arrested for cocaine possession last February. He pled guilty and was placed in a drug diversion program. He was also arrested last month for DUI.
We don't know if Prugo had been to Lindsay's house prior to the break-in.

Wait. He was busted for coke? She knew him. But feel free to check his penis for scorch marks if you feel the need to be redundant.

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Sep 18 2009Lindsay Lohan's probably going back to rehab

The NYPD removed Lindsay Lohan from the Bowery Hotel in New York last night after she straight flipped her shit outside Samantha Ronson's hotel room. Or what she thought was Samantha's room because gin's a tricky mistress. Hollyscoop reports:

Police were called to the scene after Lindsay reportedly "threw a room-service tray at what she thought was her girlfriend's door" during a heated fight.
The only problem was...she threw that tray at the wrong door. As a result Lindsay was kicked out of the posh hotel, with authorities escorting her off the premises.
The same source claims Lindsay's friends and family are planning on staging an intervention to get her back in rehab for the fourth time!

How many times does a person have to go to rehab until the word "lobotomy" enters the discussion? Or if that seems a little harsh, let's just lock Lindsay in a room loaded with coke up to her knees. She'll either OD and die happy or snort her way through the walls facilitating her new career as a Black Ops agent for the government. "Alright, Lindsay. The terrorists are behind this mountain - and they're holding. GO!"

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Sep 11 2009Tila Tequila case dismissed, no charges for Shawn Merriman

San Diego Diego District Attorney Bonnie Dumanis will not be filing charges against Shawne Merriman of the Chargers. He was placed under citizen's arrest by Tila Tequila after he allegedly choked her and refused to let her to leave his apartment Sunday. Apparently no one bought it.. ESPN reports:

Dumanis decided not to charge Merriman after her office spent three days reviewing reports from the San Diego County Sheriff's Department.
"After a thorough review of the investigation into the Sept. 6, 2009, incident at the Poway home of Shawne Merriman, our office has determined there is insufficient evidence to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that any crime was committed," Dumanis said in a statement. "This case is now closed. No further comment will be made."

Naturally, Tila fired back via her lawyer who called the decision "reckless" and is threatening a civil suit, according to a statement issued to TMZ:

"Tila Tequila is the victim of a violent crime. The San Diego District attorney's decision not to press charges against Shawne Merriman for the battering of Tila Tequila demonstrates an unconscionable negligence in the discharging of their public duties. We strongly feel that justice has not been served in this matter.
Obviously, The San Diego Charger's NFL franchise brings millions of dollars in revenue to the city of San Diego, and it seems clear that other interests are being served by the DA's office than the upholding of the law. A young woman was violently beaten and choked, and the physical evidence is both overwhelming and disturbing. Tila's account of the events has remained consistent from the beginning, while Merriman's story has changed repeatedly.
Just because the DA has made this reckless decision doesn't mean that justice will not be served in this case. No one is above the law. Tila Tequila will immediately begin pursuing civil charges against Mr. Merriman and she will have her day in court."

Fortunately for Shawne Merriman, Tila can only file suit with the Lollipop Guild whose jurisdiction doesn't extend beyond GumDrop Mountain.

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Sep 11 2009Tila Tequila plot thickens (Now with more leprechaun naked time)

Seen here sporting bruises yesterday, San Diego's 10news.com has an alleged rundown of the Tila Tequila/Shawne Merriman incident and it's a tale rife with jilted hearts, threesomes and naked leprechauns. Enjoy:

The sources told Vara that witnesses at Merriman's home said the three-time Pro Bowl linebacker went to his bedroom with two women.
Sources said Tequila walked into the room and Merriman asked her to join them. However, the sources said Tequila reacted angrily and threatened to have sex with a member of Merriman's entourage.
According to sources, Tequila was intoxicated, and she got naked and attempted to leave the house.
Sources told Vara that Merriman, 25, tried to stop the 27-year-old Tequila, and that is when she called 911.
Tequila accused Merriman of choking and throwing her to the ground while she was trying to leave the house. Tequila signed a citizen's arrest warrant accusing Merriman of battery and false imprisonment. Both are felonies.

Here's what I don't get: If Tila Tequila was running around stupid drunk trying to bang the entire room, which I'd bet money happened, why not just let her leave? Seriously, what the hell is she going to do that anyone will believe? "Hey, a nude Keebler elf Twittered in a pool of her own urine that Shawne Merriman's an asshole. Let's cancel his contract." C'mon.

Sep 9 2009Tila Tequila punts Shawne Merriman's excuse (Football + Domestic Violence = COMEDY!)

Tila Tequila's lawyers have fired back at Shawne Merriman's claims that he didn't choke the miniature stripper but instead merely prevented her from driving home drunk. Presumably in a Hot Wheels car. TMZ reports:

Shawne Merriman and his advisors have decided that the best defense is a good offense, attacking Tila Tequila in the press with a lot of calculated spin to cover up his illegal and indefensible actions.
Fortunately, we as a society will not tolerate a 6'4", 270 pound all-pro NFL linebacker physically assaulting a young lady who is 4'11" and 93 pounds. It is never justifiable to brutally assault, choke, strike and imprison a woman.
Once the truth is fully revealed, Mr. Merriman's fantastic story of how he was trying to keep Ms. Tequila safe will be completely discredited.
No one, especially a woman, should ever have to endure what Mr. Merriman did to Tila Tequila.

Tila's claiming Shawne was 'roid raging. Shawne's claiming Tila was drunk. So somewhere in the middle is the truth. Or a magic unicorn that hands out condoms because Tila Tequila is an elf and likes to fuck a lot.

Sep 8 2009Tila Tequila citizen arrests abusive boyfriend

Tila Tequila placed her boyfriend Shawne Merriman under citizen's arrest early Sunday morning after he allegedly choked her and refused to let her leave his apartment, according to People:

Early Sunday morning, deputies were called to Merriman's residence in Poway, Calif., a town bordering the city of San Diego, where the reality star, whose real name is Tila Nguyen, claimed she was choked and restrained, according to a press release.
"[Nguyen] made a citizen's arrest," Sheriff's Lt. Gary Steadman tells PEOPLE.
Merriman was charged with battery and false imprisonment, according to the release. Steadman says the results of an investigation will be given to the district attorney's office, which will decide whether to charge the football star.

In a statement to FOX News, Shawne claims he was merely trying to prevent Tila from driving drunk which she says is impossible because she's allergic to alcohol. Except apparently for that night. Gawker reports:

Taking on Merriman's claims that she was drunk at the time of the incident, Tequila tweeted:
"I am allergic to alcohol. It has been publicly known for years. That is how I got the name Tila 'Tequila' cuz the irony. I can't drink."
As happens in the high-speed age of technology, it wasn't long until that story was called into question, what with the owner of the nightclub where it went down described Tequila as "visibly intoxicated."

Considering Shawne Merriman is a large individual and Tila Tequila sleeps in a box of matches, did the police find tweezers on the scene? Because, honestly, I don't how he could've done this. It'd be like trying to choke a LEGO figure. Except this one shoots green clovers and red balloons out of its face until you hand over the keys.

Scope Out (12) Pics of Tila After the Jump

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Aug 28 2009Chris Brown is an idiot

So not only did Chris Brown make himself look like an unremorseful fuckwit by going clubbing right after being sentenced to five years probation for assaulting Rihanna, but it turns out he did so in violation of his probation. Amazing. E! News reports:

The singer hit the nightspot Guys & Dolls just hours after receiving a probation order in court requiring the 20-year-old to "abstain from the use of all alcoholic beverages and stay out of places where they are the chief item of sale."
Los Angeles Probation Department Spokeswoman Kari Webb tells E! News that if Chris Brown broke his probation by being at a "21 and up" establishment, "It won't be taken lightly."
"Any time you break the law, you're in violation," Webb told E! News when asked whether being underage in a bar would be a probation violation. "If you break the law, you're in trouble."
So did Brown break the law?
John Carr of the Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control tells E! News that Guys & Dolls holds a Type 48 liquor license, which makes it a bar or nightclub and not a restaurant. This means that no one under 21 can legally be on the premises unless they have been hired as a performer.
Carr also says that even if an underage entertainer is working in a bar or nightclub, they are required by law to stay in an area where no alcohol is being served or consumed.
While Brown wasn't seen drinking anything but water, his table ordered 10 bottles of champagne.

Of course, no one is pursuing the matter because why go after a kid who just made a mockery of the justice system with his celebrity status then pissed in everybody's faces by going clubbing afterward? I honestly don't see how there's an example there.