Feb 26 2008Petra Nemcova wears lingerie, I plot Sean Penn's death
These are shots of Petra Nemcova modeling the latest line of lingerie for La Senza which is Spanish for Olé! As a responsible member of the media (not counting the Jennifer Love Hewitt post below) I shouldn't say that I expect all women to look like this. Just the ones that will believe I'm a millionaire secret agent who works undercover in his parents' basement. The futon is government-issued. I can't say anymore. It's classified... ladies.
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Feb 25 2008Petra Nemcova and Sean Penn: I don't even know
Petra Nemcova and Sean Penn were spotted together at Elton John's Oscar after-party. I was there and it was a blast until Jack Nicholson had sex with an ice sculpture. Then it was the greatest party known to man. Anyway, Petra used to date James Blunt and now she's on to Sean Penn. I guess she likes dudes who are ugly as sin. That counts me out because I'm as beautiful as, uh, non-sin? I dunno. I tried to look up "non-sin" in the Bible but my hands started burning. Mostly because my roommate was pouring acids on my hands. It's his way of letting me know we're out of beer. He's good people.
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Feb 12 2008Petra Nemcova plays for the skins
Petra Nemcova poses topless for the latest ad campaign for Rampage jeans. She looks so good I'm tempted to buy a pair myself and go cruising the mall for chicks. The jeans look a little tight but that means I can show the ladies the "rampage" in my pants. Unless I black out from the loss of circulation to my nads and suffer a concussion. Wait, I'll just wear a football helmet. Damn. This is almost too easy...
Sep 19 2007Petra Nemcova is a blessing, a HOT blessing
While some celebrities are doing drugs, neglecting their kids and committing armed robbery, Petra Nemcova is just causing erections. How pure and refreshing is that? You’re having a rough day, your boss is on your case and, oh, here comes Petra – to give you a boner. Some might say she’s more of a saint than Mother Teresa. And by some, I mean me. And my penis.
Jul 12 2007James Blunt sold his sister on eBay
James Blunt tells British GQ that his sister couldn't get to Ireland so his solution was to sell her on eBay. He says:
"I came back to the flat where my sister was staying and she was crying because she couldn't get to a funeral in Ireland. The planes were on strike, the ferry was out of season, and there were no trains. I ended up whacking it on eBay: 'Damsel in distress seeks knight in shining armor! Desperate to get to a funeral in southern Ireland, please help!' The bids flooded in and the guy who won had a helicopter. He flew her to the funeral. That was three years ago. This summer they're getting married. That was the stupidest thing I've ever sold on eBay – my sister."
And just to remind you why we hate James Blunt, here are pictures of Petra Nemcova, whom he somehow managed to date. And if that's not enough to make you hate him, he also called your mom a whore and tried to sleep with your sister. True story.
May 15 2007Petra Nemcova has horrible taste in men
Petra Nemcova, who recently broke up with James Blunt, rebounded with Paris Hilton's ex Stavros Niarchos. The two were spotted making out at Bungalow 8 recently as they partied with Stavros' friend Brandon Davis.
"She was grinding him," our witness said. "It was pretty gross. I mean, he used to sleep with Paris. Eww."
I didn't think it was possible, but this chick has worse taste in men than Pamela Anderson. Stavros Niarchos? Jesus, he used to bang Paris Hilton. Petra would be better off dating a syringe filled with syphilis.
May 4 2007Petra Nemcova's boob falling out
Petra Nemcova showed up to a party for Stella McCartney with her boob basically hanging out. And for some reason nobody around her seems to notice. Last I checked, proper etiquette for a situation like this is to drop you head, stare, and make honking noises as your pretend (or actually) squeeze them. Hmm, maybe dropping out of school and getting my formal education from Mad magazine wasn't such a good idea. Because it was a great idea!
Apr 20 2007Paris Hilton and James Blunt get it on
Looks like Paris Hilton has already split with Josh Henderson. She and James Blunt hooked up Wednesday night and were spotted making out at club Teddy's. A source says:
"They were all over each other. They both ended up back at Paris' house."
I always wondered how James Blunt managed to score with Petra Nemcova, and apparently it was all part of an elaborate hoax set up by God. I can already picture God sitting in his office dreaming up his plan: "I'll make him a famous musician. Then I'll give him millions of dollars. Then I'll give him Petra Nemcova. And then *cracking up* and then I'll put him together with Paris Hilton *laughing hysterically* and when his penis falls off I'll jump out from behind the clouds and scream 'Punk'd!'"
