Feb 24 2009Beyonce's nipple makes Oscar appearance
During a song and dance number at the Oscars, Beyonce's nipple popped out while being dipped by Hugh Jackman which proves my theory that just looking at him causes women's breasts to fly out. This is why I'll be spending the rest of my day waving a picture of Wolverine at every hot chick I see. Adieu.
UPDATE: So, it's been over an hour, and I can't stop flashing my chest at the monitor. Somebody needs to shut my computer off - or bring me a sandwich. Either one.
Pic links to NSFW version, and if Jay-Z asks, you saw it on Perez Hilton.
Feb 23 2009Madonna: 'Hold the Jesus'
Despite reports she'd be escorted by Jesus Luz to the Academy Awards, Madonna showed up stag to the Vanity Fair Oscar Party last night. I guess she didn't want Jesus' exotic looks distracting anyone from "the gun show." Which is the exact same excuse I use for sitting alone at Starbucks every Friday night. Sure, nobody believes me, but one time I got a free sympathy coffee if I promised to stop crying. Score!
Feb 23 2009Lindsay Lohan still skinny as hell
Because nobody wants to jinx their careers, Lindsay "Sticks Mahoney" Lohan was kept a safe distance from the Academy Awards last night and shipped off to the Mercedes-Benz Oscar Party in Beverly Hills. But more importantly, Lindsay's breasts seem to be to shrinking to match her figure, and apparently they're doing it one at a time. Otherwise, I don't know how else to explain why one's a foot lower than the other - at age 22. I've seen firmer breasts at the senior center.
Talkin' 'bout you, Edith. *wink*
Feb 23 2009Miley Cyrus, Robert Pattinson & Zac Efron's youth and vigor demand your ratings
As a Hail Mary pass to bring in younger viewers, Miley Cyrus, Robert Pattinson and Zac Efron were invited to present awards at the Oscars last night. Because if there's anyone who can make kids give a shit about Best Sound Editing it's Spawn of Billy Ray, Stoned Vampire Guy and The Fruity Kid from High School Musical. Frankly, I'm surprised they didn't fight crime together after the show. At least until Zac broke a nail, and Robert was like "Dude, we should get nachos."
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Feb 23 2009The Most Important People Ever. (Until about noon-ish.)
Here are the most important actors of the moment despite the fact not one of them has been a guest star on Lost. Try and figure that one out. Anyway, the winners of the 81st Annual Academy Awards:
Best Actress: Kate Winslet, The Reader
Best Supporting Actress: Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Best Actor: Sean Penn, Milk
Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
I feel kind of bad that I've only seen one of the four movies listed above, and it wasn't even the one where Penelope Cruz makes out with Scarlett Johansson. That's like sleeping through Christmas. Twice.
NOTE: For the whole 2009 Oscars enchilada scope out I Watch Stuff.com's liveblog coverage. Because I'm lazy.
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Feb 23 2009Jennifer Aniston dares show her face near the Brangelina
Despite skipping the red carpet, Jennifer Aniston decided to face her demons and made an appearance at last night's Oscars to present an award with Jack Black - while Brad and Angelina looked at her general direction! GASP! What transpired is a series of events that pretty much put my penis to sleep. True story. Us Magazine reports:
When Black made a joke about how all Pixar films win Oscars, Aniston said, "I apologize Mr. Katzenberg [Jeffrey Katzenberg is the co-founder of Dreamworks], I don't know why we let him out of the house."
The camera then panned to Jolie, who laughed.
When Aniston announced the nominees, she moved to the center of the stage, right in front of Jolie and Pitt. When the lights were down, Aniston smiled directly at Pitt, but not at Jolie.
Aniston then presented Best Short Film; both Pitt and Jolie kept huge smiles on their faces the entire time.
As Aniston walked off stage, Jolie and Pitt both clapped.
Oh, no, clapping?! Quick, call the National Guard. We've got clapping, people. Clapping. May God have mercy on us all...
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Feb 23 2009Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie: Beauty. Sophistication. Ass-grabbing.
While posing for pictures on the Oscars red carpet, Angelina Jolie decided it'd be a good time to get a handful of some Brad ass. Maybe it was a direct warning to Jennifer Aniston, or maybe it was a precursor to the child they attempted to conceive during the boring dead people montage as a confused Miley Cyrus tried to figure out when Jesus shows up to insert the baby. Who's to say, really?
EDIT: So it turns out the first pic of the set is actually from the BAFTAs. Whoops. Then again, Brangelina could've teleported to Britain as part of an elaborate ass-grabbing conspiracy. I'm betting on that.
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Feb 20 2009Madonna bringing Jesus to the Oscars
Probably because A-Rod publicly admitted to juicing himself up and therefore has tiny testicles, sources for OK! Magazine say Madonna's bringing her Brazilian model boyfriend Jesus Luz to the Oscars on Sunday. Nobody knows about his testicles, so it only makes sense:
“Madonna and Jesus have spent all week planning their outfits for Oscar night,” a pal tells OK! “Madonna is planning on using the Vanity Fair party to introduce Jesus to the world as her new boyfriend, and she wants everything to be perfect!"
So why all the fuss if Jesus is just a fling? It seems Madge is getting serious about her latest conquest.
"She’ll put to rest any rumor that Jesus was ‘just a model’ during that racy W photo shoot," the source adds. "Madonna and Jesus’ romance is real.”
Because I'm a man of science, I made passionate love to a bag of sand a few minutes ago. Just to try and get into the head of a kid like Jesus Luz. You're a freaking model, but yet you settle for Grandma Sinew. I guess what my main question is: What do you use for the chafing? And also the bleeding, loss of skin, dizziness, etc.? Time is a factor. *THUD*
