Oct 5 2009Mariah Carey's breasts are getting out of control
Mariah Carey attended the New York Film Festival screening of her new movie Precious, and her breasts are getting way out of hand. Somewhere over the past few months they passed the fine line between huge and hefty waitress at a truck stop diner. But the important thing is we're aware now so somebody can have the Jaws of Life ready when Nick Cannon gets trapped inside. Granted, he'll suffocate almost immediately, but at least his poor mother will get to see his body at the funeral. We got your back, Nick.
Scope Out (20) Pics of Mariah After the Jump
Continue Reading "Mariah Carey's breasts are getting out of control"
Jul 31 2009Eminem fires back at Mariah Carey
In response to Nick Cannon's open letter and Mariah Carey's latest video, Eminem has released his latest song "The Warning," and it's pretty much everything you'd expect from Eminem. Via PopCrunch:
Yeah, what you gonna say? I'm lucky? Tell the public that I was so ugly that you had to be drunk to me?
Second base? What the fuck you tell Nick, punk?
In the second week we was dry humping. It's gotta count for something.
Listen, girly. Surely you don't want me to talk about how I nutted early cos ejaculated early and bus all over your belly, and you almost started hurling and said I was gross, go get a towel you're stomachs curling. Or maybe you do.
But if I'm embarrassing me, I'm embarrassing you and don't you dare say it isn't true.
As long as the song's getting airplay I'm dissing you.
You know what would be awesome about this song? If it were 2001 and more than five people know who the hell Nick Cannon is. That said, Eminem's willingness to embarrass himself doesn't exactly make everything he says true. For example, just because I'm willing to admit I only have a two foot long penis that doesn't mean I can honestly claim to be Spider-man. -- Or does it?
Audio and Full Lyrics After the Jump
Jun 23 2009Nick Cannon Gets to Host Something
Nick Cannon will host tonight's premiere of America's Got Talent at 9/8c on NBC. I guess listening to Mariah Carey sing in the shower qualifies a man to judge music these days. Although, I should probably test that theory. For, uh, science. Yeah, science.
May 14 2009Eminem wants to pee on Mariah Carey
In case there's any doubt Eminem is the greatest wordsmith of our generation, check out his latest volley in the ongoing feud with Nick Cannon. It pretty much demonstrates the full depth of his uncanny word.. things. The Sun reports:
But the warning has been ignored as Em took another shot at Mariah as he spoke on his satellite channel Shade 45.
He told listeners: "We're taking callers right now (from) any woman who wants to be peed on."
When asked what he'd say to Mariah if she called in, the MC replied: "I already did that."
His next move? Trick her into eating mudpies. Aw, snap, bitch!
May 11 2009Nick Cannon writes crazy shit about Eminem
Nick Cannon just heard Eminem's "Bagpipes from Baghdad" off his new album Relapse, and it contains several choice words about Mariah Carey. Not one to let an opportunity at relevancy pass him by, Nick Cannon took to his blog and essentially wrote a 500-page novel on whether or not he should kick Eminem's ass. I'm not even joking. Here's an excerpt from the insanity:
So as I further examine the track, I hear dude cross the line. He begins to call my wife out of her name! Now as y'all know, I don't take that type of nonsense lightly. So on some grown man shit I'm instantly like, I got to get at this Lame. I know it's only entertainment and I'm all for freedom of speech. But I'm from the school of thought where if you are tough enough to talk shit, you got to be tough enough to deal with the consequences that come with tough guy shit talking! Then the little angel on my shoulder said, "No Nicholas, there is no need to play into his negativity. He is just a troubled soul yearning for the lost spotlight. You must be Christ like and turn the other cheek"
But then the dude on the other shoulder said, " What Nigga?! Is you scared?! You can't let no man ever disrespect your wife! Especially not some Peroxide drenched homophobic has-been! This is like some Paquiao vs. Hatton shit! He is underestimating you with his ass out and you can drop him in the first round!"
Nick then goes on to equate insulting Mariah Carey as an insult to black women everywhere and then informs Eminem he knows karate before eventually ending on this note:
So Miss Marshall, I'm going to make you wish you never spoke my name and regret the ungodly things you said about my wife. This is going to be fun! It's however you want it! Just remember, you did this to yourself! Your legacy has now been tainted from this day forth! You will now be known as the rapper who lost to Corny-ass Nick Cannon!!!
Here's what I want to know: How did Nick Cannon have time to write all this when he should've been cleaning the pool, picking up the dry cleaning and constantly refilling Mariah's glass? Oh, and also not having sex. That, too.
Continue Reading "Nick Cannon writes crazy shit about Eminem"
May 1 2009Rihanna & Jay-Z plot Chris Brown's demise
- Rihanna and Jay-Z have dinner together, and most likely discuss how badly to fuck Chris Brown's career. Survey says "Right in the anus!" [Just Jared]
George Clooney loves the ladies. Even ones who were in elementary school during his run on E.R. The man's a hero, folks. [Lainey Gossip]
- Kelis files for divorce from Nas while carrying his baby. Hey, on the bright side, he won't have to cut the umbilical cord. :D .... This is why I don't work at Hallmark anymore. [Radar Online]
- Mel Gibson apparently pissed off all of Hollywood by bringing his mistress to the premiere of Wolverine. Dammit, Mel, it was supposed to be a classy affair about a guy who stabs people in the face with his claw hands. But noooo, you had to be a dick. [Celebslam]
- Kelly McGillis of Top Gun fame comes out of the closet thus proving Tom Cruise is contagious. [Pink is the new Blog]
- Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's marriage actually made it an entire year. I don't even think Nostradamus could've predicted that one. Then again, he doesn't even know what a Nick Cannon is, but honestly, who does? [I'm Not Obsessed]
Continue Reading "Rihanna & Jay-Z plot Chris Brown's demise"
Apr 23 2009Michelle Williams & Spike Jonze getting married?
- Michelle Williams and Spike Jonze are rumored to marry this summer. Unless, of course, Mary-Kate Olsen kills him first. -- Too soon? [I'm Not Obsessed]
- Kevin Federline to become NutriSystem spokesman. Right after he challenges Britney to a pie-eating contest. UPDATE: She won. And doctors are confident they can reattach Jayden's finger. [Celebslam]
- Lindsay Lohan claims Natalie Portman has been her rock during break up with Samantha Ronson. WTF? That's like me saying Spider-man and I grab drinks every Thursday. Wait, that's true. Bad example. [Lainey Gossip]
- Hugh Jackman shoots down rumors he's gay in this Sunday's Parade magazine. Senior citizens across America will be pleased. Then take a nap. [Just Jared]
- Brad Pitt is learning how to fly. Who would win in a fight: Brad in a plane or Superman? But it's the gay Bryan Singer one. Discuss. [Pink is the New Blog]
- Nick Cannon and SpongeBob heart Earth Day. How does this guy have sex with Mariah Carey? Not counting she's crazy. [MTV Buzzworthy]
- Mel Gibson's mistress plays the piano in her lingerie. Which is cool. I play the saxophone in a Speedo. (Ladies?) We should jam sometime. [Radar Online]
CONTEST: OK! Magazine is giving away tickets to see the finale of American Idol along with a $500 shopping spree. So, if you enjoy people singing and money, scope it out.
Continue Reading "Michelle Williams & Spike Jonze getting married?"
Dec 27 2008Happy Holidays!
Before I scoot off for the holidays, here's Mariah Carey rocking clown boots and cleavage despite the freezing temperatures in Aspen. Somewhere there's an inspirational message to be found here, I can almost feel it. - - Nope, just my monitor. False alarm!
The Superficial shall return this weekend where my words will swaddle you like the newborn baby Jesus. In the meantime, hopefully you get some sweet gifts to tide you over. If not, at least you aren't Nick Cannon: Human Terrier above. No one deserves that.
Happy Holidays, everybody!
