Jul 3 2008Marla Maples in a bikini = Happy 4th, America!

Happy 4th of July, everybody!

On this most patriotic of days, I encourage you all to think about the sacrifices made by our forefathers. Sacrifices that allow a guy like me to write freely about breasts without the King of England coming into my home and teabagging me, if I recall my history lessons. So, on that note, USA!

Catch you guys on Monday.

P.S. Bring a musket.

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Jun 19 2008Marla Maples auditions for 'Baywatch: Special Cartwheels Unit'

Marla Maples has quite the athletic build at the age of 44. But someone needs to tell her you can't just cartwheel away the effects of time. Believe me I've tried. It cost me a coffee table, two ceiling fans and my neighbors threatened to call the cops if they ever see my "free-hanging pinto beans" again. I prefer "gargantuan avocados," but in their defense, it was a tad chilly this morning.

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Apr 4 2008Marla Maples & Bachelor Andy: Huh? Who? What?

New couple Marla Maples and Andy Baldwin took a page from the Heidi and Spencer book and posed for pictures on Laguna Beach. You might recognize Andy from ABC's The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman and Marla from, well, Donald Trump's bedroom. It should be noted that 31-year-old Andy is a Navy physician and was recently voted the best Bachelor ever. The guy can probably afford to be picky with the ladies, so what does he do? Dates 43-year-old Marla Maples. I'm no psychiatrist, but I'm pretty sure Andy has an Oedipal complex. That's fancy talk for: Dude hates his penis.

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