Oct 26 2009Madonna returns to Malawi. Prepare the sacrifice!
Madonna is back in Malawi today to build a $15 million school as part of her arrangement with the country's government to basically adopt/snatch in the dead of night whatever children she wants at any time. She also plans on meeting the father of her latest acquisition Mercy. Us Magazine reports:
"Madonna wants to meet Mr. Kambewa because she does not want to deny Mercy her background," a source tells Us. "Madonna wants to assure Mr. Kambewa that Mercy will not be delinked from her roots."
For those of you unversed in the ways of Madonna, this will be a simple meet and greet where she'll demonstrate her mastery of the dark arts then devour a large jungle cat to assert her dominance. So nothing fancy.
Continue Reading "Madonna returns to Malawi. Prepare the sacrifice!"
Oct 14 2009Madonna gives Jesus an allowance
Jesus Luz's relationship is apparently a gold mine. A dusty, scary, 5 million year old goldmine, but a goldmine nonetheless. InTouch reports:
According to a friend, Jesus, 23, put his modeling career on hold in order to accompany Madonna around the world -- and that move is definitely paying off. "Jesus basically lived paycheck to paycheck before he met Madonna, and he, like most people, had bills," a friend explains. But now, his money worries are a thing of the past. "Madonna gives him about $10,000 a month to cover his expenses, including his cell phone, insurance and credit card payments," adds the pal.
So basically Madonna solicits male prostitutes. This explains so much except for why she doesn't just use her sorcery to coerce their penises into her. Is it not as kinky? I'm not versed in the dark arts.
Oct 8 2009Guy Ritchie: 'Madonna is retarded'
In an interview with Esquire's Tom Chiarrella, Guy Ritchie decides to ignore the fact his ex-wife is fused with ancient powers and bluntly insults her intelligence:
"She's a manifester, if there ever was one," he says. "First-rate manifester. Madonna makes things happen. Put Madonna up against any twenty-three-year-old, she'll outwork them, outdance them, outperform them. The woman is broad."
"Broad," I say, repeating the word of the day.
"And, of course, here you go: I still love her," he says. He takes a breath, drives through a red light. If no one is ahead of him, Guy Ritchie does not typically stop. "But she's retarded, too."
The mere fact that Guy Ritchie brazenly calls Madonna "retarded" in a national publication proves what I've suspected all along: He knows how to take her down. -- Or wants to get dropped in a volcano after being carried by her razor sharp talons. Honestly, it could go either way on this one.
Oct 1 2009Madonna prefers a train to the face over marriage
Madonna appeared on The Late Show with David Letterman last night and revealed she'd "rather get hit by a train" than marry again which is great. Wonderful. There's another thing that obviously won't kill her since she just rubbed it in my face. Time to update the list:
Things That Might Kill Madonna
Guy Ritchie
Catholics
The tears of small African children
Voltron
Meteor rocks
The engorged penis of a Brazilian model
GOOP
Gypsies
Pizza
Trains
Excalibur
Continue Reading "Madonna prefers a train to the face over marriage"
Sep 30 2009Madonna eats our lowly mortal food and other news
- Dustin Diamond reads an excerpt from his tell-all book involving Mario Lopez's sexual conquests - with women. Nice try, Screech. [PopEater]
- Jessica Biel really did get dumped by Justin Timberlake: A convincing argument. [Lainey Gossip]
- Denise Richards: I'd still hit it. I don't care if she talks about Charlie Sheen's fear of breastfeeding the whole time, I'd do it. That needed to be said. [Drunken Stepfather: Site is NSFW]
- Katie Holmes should be using this time for something more useful than taking Suri shopping. Like, oh I dunno, fleeing the goddamn country and adopting a new alias. Kids love that shit. [PopSugar]
- Jon Hamm in Muppet form. [Just Jared]
- Jessica Alba finds acting work in the third Fockers movie. -- Why did that sentence feel like an oxymoron? [The Blemish]
- Kate Gosselin on slowing down the divorce: "Fuuuuuuuuuuck that." Okay, maybe not her exact words, but it's what she was thinking while stuffing her children in brown sacks with dollar signs on them. [Socialite Life]
Continue Reading "Madonna eats our lowly mortal food and other news"
Sep 16 2009Catherine Zeta-Jones' still got it and other news
- Scarlett Johannson is auctioning off a chance to be within gawking distance of her lady mountains. [PopEater]
- Jennifer Aniston singing for Ellen = the worst lesbian porn I've seen in my life. [Lainey Gossip]
- Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen want to name their unborn son Gabriel. [Just Jared]
- Jesus Luz is still bound by Madonna's sorcery. Seek holy water, son. Holy water! [PopSugar]
- Linda Hogan continues banging that Charley Hill kid but has finally found the decency to make him look like a 38 year old bartender at Applebee's. [Celebslam]
- Shia LaBeouf is a Wall Street broker who plays by his own rules. Except for helmet laws which he apparently obeys at the expense of his badass mystique. [Splash News]
- Burt Reynolds was in rehab for an addiction to awesome. And, okay, pain pills. [Wonderwall]
Continue Reading "Catherine Zeta-Jones' still got it and other news"
Sep 10 2009Kathy Griffin as Kate Gosselin and other news
- Dannielynn Birkhead is freaking THREE already. It seems like only yesterday she literally fell out of Anna Nicole Smith. [OK! Magazine]
- Gwen Stefani at NY Fashion Week. [Lainey Gossip]
- Penelope Cruz is either not pregnant anymore or wants her unborn child to have the mental wherewithal of Britney Spears. [Just Jared]
- Mickey Rourke is banging a model 30 years younger than him. God bless America. [PopEater]
- Felicity Huffman was mistaken for Madonna. So somebody found Felicity's corpse? I'm confused. [Celebslam]
- Sarah Jessica Parker dressing like she's in the 80s < Sarah Jessica Parker when it actually was the 80s. Robert Downey, Jr. knows what's up. (Or not because coke is delicious.) [The Blemish]
- Jessica Szohr should be the poster child to help find a cure for butterface. Seriously, amazing body, and then my dad's face after it fell asleep in a tanning bed. [Socialite Life]
Sep 2 2009Blake Lively is a dame and other news
- Lourdes Leon recreates Madonna's iconic "Like a Virgin" outfit which means it's only a few years until she's snatching babies from small African villages. They grow up so fast. [PopEater]
- Victoria Beckham's bolt-ons make the cover of Elle. [Lainey Gossip]
- Shia LaBeouf and Carey Mulligan take their love public. [PopSugar]
- Megan Fox has only let five men see her naked. And they were all me. Hey, if she gets to lie, so do I. [Celebslam]
- Sarah Jessica Parker does not reverse-age well. [The Blemish]
- DJ AM does NOT have kids. Or a will in case you were wondering. [Wonderwall]
- Kate Hudson and A-Rod have already moved in together, and she wants to get married. Because that's exactly what a guy who just settled a trillion dollar divorce wants to jump back into. Then again, he stuck his penis in Madonna, so what's one more horrible decision? [Celebitchy]
Scope Out (12) Pics of Blake After the Jump
