Jan 22 2010The Jesus Penis
For those of you screaming in the comments for me to show some cock, I give you the wang of Jesus Luz. This is a recently-leaked outtake from his infamous W photo shoot that I can't understand why it didn't run. I mean, who doesn't appreciate a shriveled, young Brazilian penis and Broomhilda? You're pretty much hitting all the bases there.
NOTE: The Superficial is not responsible for any women unable to moisten due to the presence of Madonna's face. Her sorcery is very arid.
Jan 22 2010UPDATE: Hope For Haiti Now
Typically the top post of the day is reserved for the hottest pics, but today I'm donating it to George Clooney's Hope For Haiti Now because he's my hero. And not just because he Tiger Woods'd his way through cocktail waitresses way before Tiger even considered the possibility golf would get him laid. And did it. But, seriously, the Clooney's doing a good thing here with some assistance from Robert Pattinson, Taylor Swift and other celebs who I'm going to make snappy comments about on Twitter because it's the only way I know how to love.
So, please, donate what you can by clicking the image above and feel free to follow me tonight on Twitter as I live-tweet Hope for Haiti Now starting at 8 PM EST.
UPDATE: Hope for Haiti Now has reportedly raked in $58 million as of this update, so huge thanks to everyone who kicked in. Also, Simon Owens of Bloggasm.com has brought to my attention international non-profit organization CARE who've been in Haiti since 1954, so they have the infrastructure to immediately put funds to use. <http://www.care.org/haiti>
Thanks again to everyone who contributed.
Jan 20 2010Madonna wants to get pregnant
Somehow I missed this one: Apparently Madonna wants to get knocked up by her Chippendale's version of Go! Diego! Go!, according to The Sun:
The Queen of Pop - who already has four kids - has consulted doctors about conceiving another child at the age of 51, pals said.
Brazilian Jesus, who at 22 is less than half Madge's age, has told her that becoming a father would be "his greatest adventure".
She is said to have agreed he would make a "fantastic dad" and told friends: "I have endless love in my heart for another child."
I don't know who these doctors are, but they should probably tell Madonna the only thing coming out of her womb is dust and Armageddon on the wings of a Griffin. Not a good idea to get her hopes up unless you thought Haiti looked like fun. Trust me.
Dec 16 2009Madonna congregrates with mortals
Presumably to laugh in Kate Hudson's face then morph into a griffin, Madonna and her daughter Lourdes attended the New York City premiere of Nine last night. She also posed for pictures, but that was simply to remind theatergoers she still possesses the physical strength to punch into their houses and steal their children if there's nothing good on TV that night.
Scope Out (16) Pics of Madonna After the Jump
Oct 26 2009Madonna returns to Malawi. Prepare the sacrifice!
Madonna is back in Malawi today to build a $15 million school as part of her arrangement with the country's government to basically adopt/snatch in the dead of night whatever children she wants at any time. She also plans on meeting the father of her latest acquisition Mercy. Us Magazine reports:
"Madonna wants to meet Mr. Kambewa because she does not want to deny Mercy her background," a source tells Us. "Madonna wants to assure Mr. Kambewa that Mercy will not be delinked from her roots."
For those of you unversed in the ways of Madonna, this will be a simple meet and greet where she'll demonstrate her mastery of the dark arts then devour a large jungle cat to assert her dominance. So nothing fancy.
Continue Reading "Madonna returns to Malawi. Prepare the sacrifice!"
Oct 14 2009Madonna gives Jesus an allowance
Jesus Luz's relationship is apparently a gold mine. A dusty, scary, 5 million year old goldmine, but a goldmine nonetheless. InTouch reports:
According to a friend, Jesus, 23, put his modeling career on hold in order to accompany Madonna around the world -- and that move is definitely paying off. "Jesus basically lived paycheck to paycheck before he met Madonna, and he, like most people, had bills," a friend explains. But now, his money worries are a thing of the past. "Madonna gives him about $10,000 a month to cover his expenses, including his cell phone, insurance and credit card payments," adds the pal.
So basically Madonna solicits male prostitutes. This explains so much except for why she doesn't just use her sorcery to coerce their penises into her. Is it not as kinky? I'm not versed in the dark arts.
Oct 8 2009Guy Ritchie: 'Madonna is retarded'
In an interview with Esquire's Tom Chiarrella, Guy Ritchie decides to ignore the fact his ex-wife is fused with ancient powers and bluntly insults her intelligence:
"She's a manifester, if there ever was one," he says. "First-rate manifester. Madonna makes things happen. Put Madonna up against any twenty-three-year-old, she'll outwork them, outdance them, outperform them. The woman is broad."
"Broad," I say, repeating the word of the day.
"And, of course, here you go: I still love her," he says. He takes a breath, drives through a red light. If no one is ahead of him, Guy Ritchie does not typically stop. "But she's retarded, too."
The mere fact that Guy Ritchie brazenly calls Madonna "retarded" in a national publication proves what I've suspected all along: He knows how to take her down. -- Or wants to get dropped in a volcano after being carried by her razor sharp talons. Honestly, it could go either way on this one.
Oct 1 2009Madonna prefers a train to the face over marriage
Madonna appeared on The Late Show with David Letterman last night and revealed she'd "rather get hit by a train" than marry again which is great. Wonderful. There's another thing that obviously won't kill her since she just rubbed it in my face. Time to update the list:
Things That Might Kill Madonna
Guy Ritchie
Catholics
The tears of small African children
Voltron
Meteor rocks
The engorged penis of a Brazilian model
GOOP
Gypsies
Pizza
Trains
Excalibur
Continue Reading "Madonna prefers a train to the face over marriage"
