May 29 2009Keanu Reeves has secret Canadian love-children?
A Canadian woman, Karen Sala, has requested a court-ordered DNA sample from Keanu Reeves to prove he's the father of one, if not four, of her children. Though she admits she's not sure which ones. Nice. The Toronto Star reports:
With her children, aged 20 to 25, in post-secondary schools, Sala said she could use financial support to help them complete their education.
Sala said her children would like to know the truth about who their father is and she is launching the suit to seek "closure."
"They grew up with the ex's family always saying they weren't his, so they had to contend with that," she said.
In addition to the DNA test, Sala is seeking child support of $150,000 per month, retroactive to June 1988, as well as $3 million per month in spousal support retroactive to November 2006. Sala is the first to admit that she's no angel, claiming that she and Reeves had a sexual relationship before and during her stormy marriage. She also acknowledged she is not sure which, if any, of her children he has sired.
But Sala insisted that Reeves was aware that he might be the father of some or all of her children, noting that at least one of them bears a resemblance to him.
Naturally, Keanu's people are denying he even knows Karen and find it odd that she's just now asking for child support when her kids are in their 20s:
Paul Knell, Reeves' Los Angeles business manager, questioned Sala's motives, noting that all four children are now adults.
"Before you disparage my client and lend validity to this, there's clearly something wrong with someone who claims child support after all the kids have grown. I'm just pointing that out," Knell said.
Of course, everyone knows it's impossible to sue Keanu Reeves because he's the father of us all. Seriously, didn't anyone see those Matrix movies where he's Jesus at the end? That shit's a true story. A kid on the bus told me.
Thanks to Adam who has no less than 800 love-children.
Dec 29 2008Lindsay Lohan's dad seems like a really nice guy
Michael Lohan has foregone taking responsibility for dropping a holiday bomb that he fathered a love child and opted to blame Samantha Ronson for writing Lindsay's Christmas Eve blog where she lamented about her dad's wayward wang. Page Six reports:
Michael told People.com he believes there's a "99 percent chance" the missive was actually penned by Lindsay's girl friend. Ronson laughed yesterday about Michael's allegation. "Ha! That's funny, but I don't ghost-write My Space blogs," the Sapphic record-spinner told Page Six. "Good thing he left that 1 percent window open so he wasn't 100 percent wrong for once.
Wait, people ghost-write blogs? Take it away, Stephen King:
No one bothered to tell Lindsay and her lover Samantha that lesbians weren't allowed in the pet cemetery that night. But Old Caretaker Rick Capshaw knew as he watched precariously from his kitchen window that, let's assume, is in Maine. (Surprise, I live there!) What happened next would rattle his neighbors to their very co - Hey, is that a van? Not again. Oh noes!
The master of horror, folks.
Continue Reading "Lindsay Lohan's dad seems like a really nice guy"
Dec 24 2008Lindsay Lohan just got best Christmas present ever: A bastard half-sister! Thanks, Santa!
Lindsay Lohan dropped a yuletide log on her MySpace today. Turns out her dad Michael Lohan fathered a child with a woman he was cheating on Dina Lohan with. No word if the girl is Ashley Kaufman from this summer's epic "Lohan Love Child" saga, but Christ, I hope so. Otherwise, that means more there's more of these people out there. *shudder* Anyway, here's Lindsay bringing the bad news:
i think that people go through a lot in life. and the things that we go through, whatever they may be, simply just make us stronger in the long run... that is, if we actually take what it is we have learned from our mistakes and teach ourselves what NOT to do in the future. i have gone through a lot in my past, and to be completely honest, i am still going through a lot right now.. my father just let my family and i know, amongst others that he had another child after my little sister Aliana, or maybe he had it before Aliana?? either way, he cheated on my mother and that really sucks... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! wow- do i sound like "debbie downer" or what? not trying to be... but back to the real reason for this blog-i feel like Britney Spears is an amazing talent, and she has gone through a lot, (just as i have) in the public eye.. which is not necessarily a bad thing.. It teaches young girls and boys that there are certain things in life that you should not let get in the way of your dreams and accomplishments. also that you need to take care of yourself before anyone else, and i mean anyone and everyone else. because at the end of the day, you have to look at yourself in the mirror and see who you really are. stripped of all the distractions in life. so YAY Britney for just being you and still following through with your dreams. i know i am a bit late in writing about this record since it came out already, but better late than never!!!! :)
HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I know your dad's wandering penis just rained all over your Christmas, but that's no reason to compare yourself to Britney Spears. Try to see the glass as half-full. (Of gin, if necessary.) You only went to rehab. She had to hand over her kid to the fucking SWAT team. That's like trying to compare apples and oranges. Or fake lesbians and human vacuum cleaners that only suck up Whoppers and crazy.
Jul 18 2008Michael Lohan's paternity test delayed
Michael Lohan has a while to go before he finds out if he really did father a love child. The paternity test has been delayed and awaits a court order to proceed. Michael has admitted to having an affair with Kristi Kaufman who is the mother of the supposed missing Lohan, Ashley Kaufman. Michael had written the girl letters while in prison and basically said, "Shit. She's mine." However, he seems to be changing his tune, according to E! News:
He adds that their relationship was brief and that Kaufman moved in with a new boyfriend shortly thereafter. It's that man, Michael alleges, who is the likely father.
"The timing is just off," Lohan said. "If she's mine, I'll take responsibility. But I wasn't with her nine months before Ashley was born."
Lohan said he's disappointed the test results will take longer than he initially thought.
"But I'll do whatever it takes to find out," he says. "Everyone will know the truth soon."
Michael's probably sweating things now because he's staring down the barrel of an assload of child support and can't get his hands on that Lindsay money. That said, typically, most guys start praying to the God of Doin' It* that they didn't get a woman pregnant right after intercourse, but 13 years later is better than never, I suppose. Though one time I said "I hope I didn't get you pregnant" to a chick before we even had sex - and then we didn't, so Mission: Accomplished. I win!
*Lorenzo Lamas.
Jul 2 2008Illegitimate Lohan love-child (pending paternity test) wants record deal
Ashley Kaufmann, or may or may not be the fruit of Michael Lohan's loins, is already angling for a record contract, according to MSNBC:
A record-industry insider says, “Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali.”
A Lohan family source adds, “Ashley’s singing ability just proves that the family talent comes from Michael (Lohan), not Dina Lohan.”
It should be noted the "Lohan family source" was Michael Lohan wearing a pair of those glasses with the fake nose and moustache. He almost got away with it until he went a tad overboard: "Michael should also get his own reality show. You know something wholesome yet empowering. I'm thinking 'Michael Lohan's A Father's Journey: One Man's Eternal Struggle with That Bitch-whore Ex-Wife of His Who Can't Shut Her Freakin' Booze-Hole Unless there's a Cock in It. Even then.'" Coming this Fall to ABC Family.
Thanks to James who has more talent in his breakfast cereal than these jokers.
Jul 1 2008Lindsay Lohan's Secret Sister: The Untold Story
Word broke that Michael Lohan may have an illegitimate love child floating about. Ashley Kaufmann (above) might be the 13-year-old half-sister of Lindsay Lohan. Ashley's mother Kristi talked to OK! Magazine about the circumstances revolving around Ashley and her apparent Lohan ties. Obviously, this Kristi woman is a terrible parent because, if I were her, I'd just tell Ashley she was adopted. From wolves - with rabies. I guess I'm trying to say "I love kids!" Here's the story rife with Jell-O and abandonment:
"Many times I offered to do this privately so the other Lohan kids wouldn't be hurt," Kristi told OK!. "But Michael would not live up to his obligations."
Kristi says she met Lohan at dinner with a mutal friend in the 1980's. Years later, the two met up again in 1994 and began an affair.
"It went on for about 4 weeks," she says. "He told me he was separated from Dina. He told me about Lindsay's Jell-O commerical. He took me to meet his parents. We were in love."
Trouble started when Kristi found out she was pregnant, and Michael, being the honorable man, hopped a train and disappeared into the Great American Wilderness (i.e. got drunk and ended up in jail.) The man's a patriot:
Over the years, she says she tried to get in touch with Michael in the hope that he would recognize Ashley,13, as his daughter, and finally received a phone call from him during his time in jail where Kristi says Michael finally admitted, "I always knew she was mine."
Michael has written several letters to Ashley over the years, but the two have still not met.
The fucked up thing is Michael Lohan was saying he's the father without even having a paternity test. How do I know? The stupid clown sold the exclusive news to Star that he just took one - yesterday! First off, should the test be negative, I think that might do psychological damage to a child. Then again that's the Lohans' bread and butter. Second, you don't cop to an illegitimate child without DNA results staring you straight in the face. "Even then, you say you were framed then dive out the courtroom window. For the Lord hath said 'This is good and right in my eyes.'" (Psalms of Superficial 12:16).
Jun 27 2008Lindsay Lohan's dad may have fathered a love child
Lindsay Lohan might have a sister she never knew about it. Her father Michael Lohan reveals that he had a brief relationship with a woman while he was separated from Dina. Recently, the woman wrote him a letter that claims he's the father of her child who's now 13. While most respectable men like myself would've hightailed it to the Yukon, Michael is embracing the notion of a new daughter. And most likely planning his own reality show: "Thank God I Didn't Wear a Condom Idol." OK! Magazine reports:
In a statement to OK!, Michael says, "Years later [the woman] contacted me, convincing me that I was the only person she was with and that she had my child."
In fact, OK! has seen letters Michael wrote to the girl's mother where he says that his secret daughter "is beginning to look a lot like Linds, with a mix of [younger brother] Cody, believe it or not." He also sent his daughter a photograph of himself while he was still in Collins Correctional Facility which he signed "Love Daddy."
Nice, except the AP reports Michael hasn't even gotten a paternity test yet, but he felt the need to write "Love Daddy" from prison. That's not gonna fuck a kid up. Then again, look who I'm talking about. This guy's not really batting a thousand in the fathering department, so we should be happy he hasn't asked how she's "developing" - using a scale from one to Lindsay.
Continue Reading "Lindsay Lohan's dad may have fathered a love child"
Apr 3 2008Heath Ledger's lover refuses DNA test for child
Heath Ledger's uncle broke the news that Heath had an affair with an older woman and she was pregnant shortly after they broke things off. The media has caught up with the woman and her new husband. He says Heath is not the father, but she provides some shady responses. The Daily Mail reports:
Her husband denied the speculation, saying he was sure his wife would be happy to have the girl undergo a paternity test "We knew it would flare up and that is the point of my talking and the simple thing is we will do a DNA test," he said.
Agreeing that he was not the girl's father, the woman's husband said: "I'm the step-dad, but there's nothing to hide...and if I asked (the mother) I'm sure that she wouldn't mind (to have a DNA test)."
But he wondered how they could even get Heath Ledger's DNA. However, his wife refused to have any part of the DNA suggestion.
"I'm not answering anything," she said. "I think it's very, very rude that I'm being posed all of this. I really do. I can't talk about anything."
There's only one solution to all this: DIG HIM UP! Wait, he was cremated. Balls. Okay, people, we're going to need some Super Glue...
