Nov 4 2009Carrie Prejean sex tape forced a settlement

Carrie Prejean and the Miss California Organization both dismissed their respective lawsuits after reaching a settlement yesterday, and apparently a sex tape featuring Miss Purity with Implants was the catalyst, according to TMZ:

The video the lawyer showed Carrie is extremely graphic and has never been released publicly. We know that, because TMZ obtained the video months ago but decided not to post it because it was so racy. Let's just say, Carrie has a promising solo career.
We're told it took about 15 seconds for Carrie to jettison her demand and essentially walk away with nothing. As we first reported, the Pageant is paying around $100,000 to her lawyers and publicist -- a fraction of her bills. She pockets nothing in the settlement.

I had no idea Jesus was so into fake tits, topless photos and amateur sex tapes. Guess I should start going to church more often. So are they open on Wednesdays, or do I need to make an appointment? More importantly, will the priest be there the whole time?

Aug 31 2009Carrie Prejean sues for 'religious discrimination.' Christ...

Carrie Prejean filed a lawsuit today claiming Shanna Moakler and Keith Lewis, but strangely not the Donald, subjected her to "religious discrimination, defamation, public disclosure of private facts, intentional infliction of emotional distress, and negligent infliction of emotional distress." Carrie had teased a lawsuit a month ago only to use the opportunity to push her upcoming book, and Miss California Pageant officials are calling her out for the same tactic, according to TMZ:

TMZ just received the following statement from Miss California USA honcho Keith Lewis, lashing back at the lawsuit Carrie Prejean filed against him this morning for religious discrimination:
"It appears that suits from both sides are now inevitable against the other. I would guess Carrie sees it as a chance to get publicity for her upcoming book because in the interviews I have seen, she talks about the suit and the book in the same breath.
We have no problem with her selling lots of books - considering in the current situation we could stand to profit from every copy she sells.
For us, it has never been about her beliefs and we have always just wanted to move on.
But it seems like Carrie really has nothing new to talk about or anything new in her life so the impression is she just keeps looking for ways to rehash her position as a victim because of her onstage answer."

How do I explain this to Carrie Prejean without hand puppets? The Miss California Organization invested in you, particularly in the chest region, to be the face and again, chest, of their Company. You were an Employee. But should an Employee decide to publicly latch onto divisive political causes in violation of its contract, whether it be bigoted anti-gay marriage legislation or retarded hippie protests with Move-On.org, the Company has every right to protect its investment. So, basically, you're still free to say whatever you want, but your employer is still free to fire you. That's not censorship, that's CAPITALISM. And in case you inexplicably missed the memo while subbing at FOX News, Jesus wants to dip his balls in it. It's his favorite.

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Jul 31 2009Carrie Prejean sues Miss California Organization. But not really.

Carrie Prejean is a crafty bitch. Last night the front page of a lawsuit targeting the Miss California Organization for slander and libel was leaked online which opened the door for Carrie to appear on Access Hollywood today where she said no suit would be filed and then conveniently started plugging her book:

But Prejean, who was dethroned in June, over what the Miss California USA group said were contract violations, told Bush she isn't going to sue her former bosses in court. Instead, Prejean said she plans to put pen to paper for her upcoming book.
"[Are] you going to file one?" Bush asked of a lawsuit.
"No, I mean, hopefully this will all just get taken care of," Prejean said. "There's definitely some things that are false that they've said about me and I think definitely the book will -- it's sort of like therapy for me. It's a way for me to just get out the truth, really.
"The book's going to be amazing," she said. "Everything in the book is factual. I could never say something that's not true... Everything that is in the book I can either back it up with e-mails or witnesses. I'm really excited about that. I just can't wait for that book to come out and for people to see it. I really think their jaws are going to drop."

So, remember when Carrie Prejean said the topless photos of her were taken when she was only 17 then changed her story to say a breeze blew her shirt open? Did a ventriloquist say those words? Because obviously Carrie can't tell a lie. Kind of like Superman if you don't count the time he knocked up Lois then said he had to go to the bathroom. On Krypton.

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Jun 25 2009Perez Hilton sues Black Eyed Peas manager

The Black Eyed Peas' manager Polo Molina is being sued for punching Perez Hilton in the face at the 2009 MuchMusic Video Awards Sunday night, according to the AP:

The celebrity blogger, whose real name is Mario Lavandeira, sued the Peas' road manager in Los Angeles for battery and intentional infliction of emotional distress. He is seeking unspecified damages of more than $25,000.
"Perez Hilton was assaulted by the band's road manager because he would not agree to stop writing about the Black Eyed Peas on his Web site," Bryan Freedman, Hilton's lawyer, said in a statement. "Whether you love Perez or hate him, he is entitled to his freedom of speech without fear of physical violence. This lawsuit will make the statement that violence is never the answer."

Wait. I thought he got punched in the face for calling Will.I.am a "fucking faggot" not because he's a shining crusader of first amendment rights. I guess I missed the part where Perez and George Washington battled the King of England for the right to make it look like splooge is falling out of Britney's dress. Must've happen between all the Twitters.

Apr 26 2009Desmond from Lost: Serial Motorboater?

Henry Ian Cusick, who plays Desmond on the hit series Lost, is being sued for sexual harassment by an ABC crew member who alleges the actor groped her in October 2007. E! News reports:

Plaintiff Chelsea Stone alleges that on or about Oct. 16, Cusick "placed his hand on her buttocks" and then caressed her back "while making moaning sounds." He then put his face in her cleavage and wagged his head back and forth, according to the lawsuit filed in Los Angeles Superior Court. He then touched her breasts with his hands and kissed her on the mouth, Stone says.
Stone says that ABC and production company Grass Skirt Entertainment, which are also named as defendants, did nothing to keep her away from Cusick after she complained and, over the next several days, the actor and fellow employees became "very hostile" toward her.

ABC eventually fired Chelsea which, and here's the fucked up part, she claims caused her to have a miscarriage:

On Oct. 28, 2007, Stone was informed that she had been fired, the lawsuit states. Per the suit, "plaintiff suffered humiliation and severe mental and emotional distress, and suffered injury when by means of her stress Plaintiff miscarried," causing Stone to incur various medical expenses and suffer 'physical injuries, physical sickness, substantial losses in earnings" and other indignities.

Things to Stop Doing Immediately (Revised):

1. Forgetting to wear pants. Motorboating pregnant women.
2. Drinking alone.
3. Telling people what I ate for lunch on my Facebook status.

NOTE: How many Lost fans read this and thought "Wait, did she get pregnant on the island?" Me too. See you in Hell.

Nov 19 2008Suge Knight needs to lay off the earring lawsuits (Or not. Please don't kill me.)

A recently bankrupt Suge Knight is apparently trying to sue anyone he can by claiming they caused him to lose his insanely expensive earrings. Of course, the thought that maybe he's in bankruptcy court because his earwear cost more than a small house is completely lost on him. TMZ reports and, if I'm reading this right, calls Suge Knight a prison bitch:

Suge claims in his U.S. Bankruptcy case that while he was in custody back in 2005, he was passed around like a $2 whore -- from Barstow police to the West Valley Detention Center to the California Institution for Men.
Somewhere along the way, Suge says his diamond stud earring was stolen.
Interesting, because Suge just filed a lawsuit against Kanye West, claiming West was responsible for another Suge earring heist. When Kanye was hosting a party in 2005, Suge was shot and his $135,000 earring was allegedly pilfered off his bleeding body.

On a related note, I'm suing Burger King for making me wait too long for my Whopper causing the loss of my 24" solid gold penis. Its estimated value is $2.6 million after factoring in the mini-bar, laser-firing capabilities and all leather interior. I'll see you in court. (Bring pickles.)

Nov 18 2008Michael Jackson's brain erroneously valued at $350,000

Apparently, it requires a highly trained expert to figure out what the fuck is going on inside Michael Jackson's head. Shocker! The NY Daily News reports:

A sheikh subsidizing Michael Jackson spent almost $350,000 on a brain-power guru to help the singer's creative juices flow.
"Mind-mapping and motivational guru" Tony Buzan came to Bahrain for a week at the singer's request, said Bankim Thanki, lawyer for Sheikh Abdulla bin Hamad al-Khalifa, who is suing Jackson for $7 million in a breach-of-contract case here.
Buzan "did not come cheap," he noted in court today: Buzan charged $37,000 a session for a total of $343,000.
"Who paid for that? Yes, Sheikh Abdulla," said Thanki.
The 33-year-old sheikh - son of the king of Bahrain - alleges that Jackson took millions in advances from him but failed to deliver on contractually agreed projects, including an album, a "frankly personal" autobiography and a musical.

$350,000 sounds like a bargain, because Michael Jackson's brain has to be a pretty dangerous neighborhood to go strolling around in. Sure, at first it probably seems like a nice enough place, filled with cute little pop tunes. Then you wander into the section where the two Coreys are waltzing with each other in Jesus juice-stained nighties, and Bubbles the Chimp is trying to lure that kid from Jerry Maguire into the back of a van. It's probably safer to sell pork rinds door-to-door in downtown Kabul.

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