Mar 16 2007Eva Longoria is sportier than Mischa Barton
Eva Longoria has replaced Mischa Barton as the new face of Bebe Sport, because at least Eva pretends to work out as opposed to smoking pot all day. And for some reason they celebrated the announcement with Eva Longoria's birthday. She cleans up real nice, but she looks more than a little insane here. I'd trust her with my penis about as much as I'd trust Kirstie Alley with my Twinkie. Or Britney Spears with my baby. Or Lindsay Lohan with, well, anything.
Feb 8 2007Kirstie Alley is really skinny
Remember when Kirstie Alley went on Oprah in a bikini to prove how skinny she was? Only she wasn't skinny? Well she's still not skinny. I don't think 'plump' even covers it. After these pictures were taken Kirstie actually lifted her nose up, took a few sniffs in the air, and then ran down and ate the photographer. True story.
A bunch more of Kirstie Alley looking like the fist documented land whale after the jump.
Nov 7 2006Kirstie Alley has no shame
In case yesterday's thumbnails weren't good enough here's video of Kirstie Alley's bikini appearance on Oprah yesterday. From the ribcage up she actually looks pretty good. But then my eyes wander south and I get all confused because I thought this was supposed to be Kirstie Alley. On Oprah. How did I suddenly end up at the zoo?
Nov 6 2006Kirstie Alley wears a bikini on Oprah
If you watch today's Oprah you'll be treated to Kirstie Alley showing off her newly slimmed body (she dropped 75 lbs) in a bikini. And I use the word 'treated' in the loosest possible sense, since looking at her is still akin to sticking your penis in the garbage disposal. She looks way better than before, but considering she used to have the gravitational mass of the moon the only way she wouldn't look better is if she grew a third arm out of her forehead and her skin was replaced by mold.
Apr 27 2006Angelina Jolie is still really pretty
Angelina Jolie has made the cover of People magazine's "100 Most Beautiful People" issue for the first time, despite being on their list four times now. Additionally, her adopted children and Brad Pitt were also named the World's Most Beautiful Family.
Don't read too much into the list though since Kirstie Alley and Ryan Seacrest also made the cut, as well as all 26 models from "Deal or No Deal." It's like the editors just turned on the TV for 30 minutes and wrote down whoever came on as they were flipping through. If you're putting together a list of beautiful people, you automatically lose all credibility if Kirstie Alley makes it on. It'd be like making a list of healthiest foods and putting chocolate covered pizza as number three.
Mar 16 2006Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes already married?
The National Enquirer is reporting that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes already got married last July in a Scientology ceremony at sea.
Cruise and Holmes, who met a few months earlier, are said to have exchanged rings emblazoned with triangular Scientology symbols during a Caribbean cruise aboard the sect's ship the Freewinds. (They supposedly wear their rings only at church functions.) Holmes, who once claimed she would remain virginal until her wedding day, wore white, says the tab.After the ceremony, the couple walked across a tiny bridge — a Scientology symbol for the journey to "total freedom," sources claim. Scientologists John Travolta and Kirstie Alley are said to have been on the ship, where guests also celebrated Cruise's 43rd birthday.
Holmes' Catholic family was not present, but is due to attend their "official" wedding later this year.
A rep for the couple has denied the claims, saying, "They have not yet wed, and are continuing to move forward with their plans for the big day." And even if they did get married in a Scientology wedding, it's still just a Scientology wedding. My little cousin has married her Ken doll in at least two private ceremonies, but that doesn't mean the state of California is suddenly recognizing her marriage, even if it was witnessed by a stuffed bear.
Nov 18 2005Kirstie Alley Looking for Death and Love, In That Order
In a story bound to make all married women a little bit nervous (not to mention their husbands), Kirstie Alley says that she has not had sex for four years and is desperate to bed a widower with kids.
"I want a man who loves his wife desperately and she just died a couple of years ago. So he's had enough time to get over her, but he's got the kids. And he wants a great stepmother" Kirstie also admitted that she became too fat for sex: "I thought I was too fat to have sex. I'm not kidding There's no way I would ever have had sex when I was really fat I would have just die. I turned men down, saying, 'Look I'm too fat Don't bother me now When I'm skinny again maybe we'll talk about it. I once spent three days in bed because I felt that I was so fat, old and ugly and thought I was never going to work again."
There are obviously a lot of terrifying things going on with this woman. Fortunately most people don't have the luxury of laying in bed for three days downing milkshakes and getting buttered into our clothes. And if there's one thing guys love more than an obnoxious fatass, it's an obnoxious fatass who refuses to have sex with them. I can just hear the guy saying to his buddies 'Yeah I just got shot down. Yeah that chick at the bar. Well, she says she's only 300 pounds. Yeah, well, the mumu makes her look fat. Fatter. Says her names Kirstie. Oh, you really think that's Kirstie Alley? Ok, I'll be right back." (drowns self in toilet)
Sep 22 2005Scientology wants to "help" Kate Moss
Scientology: it rids you of those overbearing alien souls that inhabit you body and keep you from reaching your full potential. But that's not all! Scientology helped Tom Cruise get rid of all those pesky Hollywood friends and resources. It helped Kirstie Alley finally free herself from the shackles of sex-appeal (only to have the Cult of Jenny Craig come and muck things up). And it helped Jenna Elfman avoid the annoying pangs of self-awareness that would otherwise come from knowing you're a fucking mindless tool. As you can see, it's not just a cult. It's scientifically proven to be a very effective celebrity support group. I mean, it has a word that sounds a lot like "science" right in the name. You can't get any more legitimate than that! So who could possibly be better fit to cure Kate Moss of the drug addiction that's threatening to ruin her career?
Obviously not those over-qualified rehabilitation scams.
