Dec 21 2008Kirsten Dunst attempts to fill void left by Tara Reid
With Tara Reid in rehab, someone has to become Hollywood's once-aspiring actress who can't keep her face out of the drink. Enter Kirsten Dunst. Here she is drunkenly leaving Bardot last night with her male companion The Cosby Sweater Bandit. Seeing Kirsten like this has made me exponentially more interested in the upcoming production of Spider-man 4.
Spider-Man 4: Scene 26 Take 1
TOBEY: I'm here to rescue you, MJ!
KIRSTEN: MJ? Shit, you holdin'?
SAM RAIMI: CUT!
Spider-Man 4: Scene 26 Take 3
TOBEY: I'm here to res - JESUS!
KIRSTEN: What? No full-frontal? I'll be in my trailer.
TOBEY: That's a Port-a-John
KIRSTEN: Jealous?
Spider-Man 4: Scene 26 Take 5
TOBEY: I'm here to rescue you, MJ!
KIRSTEN: *pees on Dr. Octupus*
Spider-Man 4: Scene 26 Take 8
TOBEY: I'm here to rescue you, MJ!
KIRSTEN: Remember during the first movie when we dated? Well, I never told you this, but you got me pregnant. I kept the child, and she's secretly lived with me to this day. Crying herself to sleep every night asking "Where's daddy?"
TOBEY: Oh my God...
KIRSTEN: Ha! PSYCHE! I had an abortion.
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Nov 1 2008Carmen Electra, Tila Tequila, Aubrey O'Day & Kirsten Dunst Halloween costumes
Here's the last round of celebrity Halloween pics before I go insane and start hitting myself in the nuts with a Jack-O-Lantern. Dig in:
1. Carmen Electra as "Sexy Theater Candy Girl." I'm diabetic, you heartless bitch! Just kidding. Got any Jujubes?
2. Tila Tequila as "Asian Leprechaun Stripper Girl Who Really Wants You to Believe She's Bi-Sexual." Wait...
3. Aubrey O'Day as "The Little Mermaid after Her Freshman Year at College." But, mom, the boys at the frat house said it was light beer.
4. And, finally, Kirsten Dunst as "A Super Stoned Version of Herself in Five Years." Looking forward to the next Spider-man movie where Mary Jane (!) sits around watching Family Guy reruns all day. Web-tastic!
Continue Reading "Carmen Electra, Tila Tequila, Aubrey O'Day & Kirsten Dunst Halloween costumes"
Sep 5 2008Kirsten Dunst is kind of a bitch
Kirsten Dunst currently stars in the adaptation of Toby Young's novel How to Lose Friends & Alienate People. However, Toby was banned from the set after he made a suggestion about Kirsten's acting. I mean, what the hell does he know about her character besides, I dunno, everything? DigitalSpy reports:
"[Dunst] overheard me giving the producer a 'note' on her performance in a particular scene. At the time, I didn't think of it as a criticism, more as a helpful bit of advice, and the producer took it in that spirit. But Kirsten overheard this exchange and interpreted it as a complaint about her acting ability. It was after this, apparently, that she took Bob [Weide, director] to one side and asked if I could be kept at arm's length in future."
After banishing the author, Kirsten returned to doing the scene her way: Hanging upside down yelling "EEK EEK!" into a boom mic until someone gave her a mango.
Aug 26 2008Kirsten Dunst dating Drew Barrymore's leftovers (Oh, how the snaggle-toothed hath fallen...)
Justin Long has apparently rebounded from his break-up with Drew Barrymore and landed in the pale-white arms of Kirsten Dunst, according to NY Daily News:
he duo "were making out hard-core while waiting in line for margaritas," says our spy. "They were holding hands and were all over each other."
I don't think this is proof that Justin and Kirsten are a couple as much as it is proof she drinks the blood of the living. On the plus side, no more smug Mac ads that make me want to stab Justin Long in the face with Bill Gates' glasses. Thanks, Nosferatu!
May 28 2008Kirsten Dunst went to rehab for depression, boozing still A-okay!
Kirsten Dunst opened up to E! Online's Mark Malkin about her recent trip to Cirque Lodge. Turns out it wasn't for the drinky; she was depressed. She also denied rumors that she's dating Ryan Gosling. So, basically, after admitting she suffers from depression, E! made her confess to being lonely and emerging from her trailer at night to feed on the young. Okay, maybe not that last part. Here's the details:
“I didn’t go to Cirque Lodge for alcohol abuse or drug abuse,” Dunst tells me exclusively during a lunch break on All Good Things. “I went there for depression.
“It was a good six months before I decided to go away,” Dunst says. “I was struggling, and I had the opportunity to go somewhere and take care of myself. I was fortunate to have the resources to do it. My friends and family thought it was a good idea, too. But I didn't know where to go. My doctor recommended Cirque Lodge.”
How can you be sad while you're drinking? That's scientifically impossible. Back me up, Geekologie Writer. And, also, put on some pants. I don't want people thinking we coordinated outfits again.
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Feb 25 2008Kirsten Dunst allowed in public
While her colleagues enjoyed the Oscars, Kirsten Dunst earned a brief escape from Cirque Lodge rehab facility yesterday afternoon and decided to shop at a nearby Target. I guess this is her way of getting back at Jake Gyllenhaal. That's some cold-blooded shit. If I found out my ex was shopping at Target, I'd kill myself. Mostly by playing lots of video games thus leading an increasingly sedentary lifestyle which could heighten the risk of heart disease when I get old. Yeah, that'll teach her. Just you wait 40-50 years, lady. It's on!
Feb 18 2008Kirsten Dunst still not over Jake Gyllenhaal
Kirsten Dunst's friends are no longer afraid she'll drink their blood and transform them into an army of Nosferatus, so they're confirming to Us Magazine the rumor that Kirsten's break-up with Jake Gyllenhaal led to her current stint in rehab. Jake didn't dig Kirsten's partying and, when he split, she started hitting the bottle like a champ:
"Whenever the cast and crew were out, she was the center of the group – doing shots and encouraging everyone to drink," a source on her upcoming movie How to Lose Friends & Alienate People told Us. "There was no such thing as 'just the one' for her."
So, let me get this straight, Kirsten Dunst gets dumped by Jake Gyllenhaal and becomes a one-woman drinking machine a.k.a. my soulmate. She doesn't need to go to rehab. She needs to go to my house. We can get liquored up and inevitably end up playing my favorite game: "Morning After Pill Pursuit: Hangover Edition." It's sort of like Monopoly - but with more abortion. Dibs on the top hat.
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Feb 7 2008Kirsten Dunst is in rehab
Kirsten Dunst checked herself into the Cirque Lodge rehabilitation facility in Utah, according to Star Magazine:
"She desperately needed help," a source in Utah tells Star. "She seemed to be intoxicated when she checked in because she was acting really erratic. She was extremely emotional, constantly breaking down in tears."
How do you show up drunk to a rehab center in the middle of Utah? Unless someone drove her and she spent the whole trip downing booze like a convict on death row. In which case, I only have one thing to say to that: Kirsten Dunst, will you marry me? Obviously not in a church. I know how holy water burns your vampire skin. See, baby, I notice the little things.
