Aug 21 2009Paris Hilton is fishy and other news
- Criss Angel is such a master of magic, he has a woman's haircut. Ta-da! [PopEater]
- Billy Ray Cyrus approves of Miley's pole-dancing at the Teen Choice Awards. Is anyone really surprised by this? Honestly. [The Blemish]
- Cameron Diaz and Keanu Reeves are dating. [Lainey Gossip]
- Leighton Meester sounds like an amazing person to take to dinner. [Celebslam]
- Renee Zellweger needs to be stopped. Seriously. This is getting ridiculous. [PopSugar]
- Megan Fox is hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. [Just Jared]
- Brad Pitt calls Tom Cruise's Valkyrie "ridiculous." Ha! Midgets can't kill Hitler.[Splash News]
May 29 2009Keanu Reeves has secret Canadian love-children?
A Canadian woman, Karen Sala, has requested a court-ordered DNA sample from Keanu Reeves to prove he's the father of one, if not four, of her children. Though she admits she's not sure which ones. Nice. The Toronto Star reports:
With her children, aged 20 to 25, in post-secondary schools, Sala said she could use financial support to help them complete their education.
Sala said her children would like to know the truth about who their father is and she is launching the suit to seek "closure."
"They grew up with the ex's family always saying they weren't his, so they had to contend with that," she said.
In addition to the DNA test, Sala is seeking child support of $150,000 per month, retroactive to June 1988, as well as $3 million per month in spousal support retroactive to November 2006. Sala is the first to admit that she's no angel, claiming that she and Reeves had a sexual relationship before and during her stormy marriage. She also acknowledged she is not sure which, if any, of her children he has sired.
But Sala insisted that Reeves was aware that he might be the father of some or all of her children, noting that at least one of them bears a resemblance to him.
Naturally, Keanu's people are denying he even knows Karen and find it odd that she's just now asking for child support when her kids are in their 20s:
Paul Knell, Reeves' Los Angeles business manager, questioned Sala's motives, noting that all four children are now adults.
"Before you disparage my client and lend validity to this, there's clearly something wrong with someone who claims child support after all the kids have grown. I'm just pointing that out," Knell said.
Of course, everyone knows it's impossible to sue Keanu Reeves because he's the father of us all. Seriously, didn't anyone see those Matrix movies where he's Jesus at the end? That shit's a true story. A kid on the bus told me.
Thanks to Adam who has no less than 800 love-children.
Nov 3 2008Keanu Reeves is 'The One' - who doesn't have to pay shit
Keanu Reeves won a lawsuit today when a jury of his peers determined he is not liable for the injuries of papparazzo Alison Shiva. Alison claims Keanu struck him with his Porsche in 2007 which damaged his wrist and caused him to lose work. Unfortunately, Alison is too stupid to realize he works around people with cameras all day who snapped pics of him chasing Britney Spears shortly after the alleged incident. The AP reports:
Over the course of four days, jurors heard how Silva gave contradictory statements about what happened and even saw a video of the celeb shooter using his supposedly damaged hand to scale down a chain link fence after getting video of Britney Spears.
Reeves stayed for the whole trial, testifying and signing the occasional autograph in the hallway.
How in the hell do you lose a lawsuit where Keanu Reeves gives testimony? That's got to be scientifically impossible. All this Alison guy had to do was point at the actor and say "Keanu Reeves was driving a vehicle," and the jury would yell "Guilty, guilty!" before jumping out the window in terror. In fact, I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself thinking about it. Nope, wait; false alarm. Pudding cup in my back pocket again. What? I love butterscotch.
Oct 29 2008Keanu Reeves on trial, somehow not for his acting
Shocker—Keanu Reeves is not the best of drivers, and now he's being sued for it. I know, I know; it sounds impossible, but as E! Online reports:
A vengeful paparazzo has put The Devil's Advocate star on the hot seat.
Keanu Reeves took the stand at his civil trial today and denied dinging a photographer with his car as he was trying to evade flashbulbs back in March 2007, allegedly leaving the photog with debilitating injuries.
Using his hands to illustrate the scene, the 44-year-old star testified that he inched his black 1996 Porsche 911 Cabrio forward slowly to prod the paparazzo in question, Alison Silva, to put down his camera and move away from the vehicle.
"Did you hit him?" Reeves was asked by his attorney, Alfred W. Gerisch.
"No," the actor replied.
Reeves asserted his Porsche never touched Silva, insisting the camera man walked backwards, lost balance and tripped over his own feet.
"Are you sure of that?"
"Yes," said Reeves, adding that the only contact between his car and the shutterbug was when Silva put his hand on the hood.
Silva sued the Speed star for unspecified damages stemming from "serious injuries" suffered to his left wrist, causing pain and suffering and severely limited his earnings capacity.
In his suit, Silva alleged Reeves was covering his face when he was behind the wheel and acted negligently when he pulled away from the curb.
I'm still not sure how dinging a paparazzo is grounds for a lawsuit instead of cause for a Congressional Medal of Honor, but then there's a lot about the law I don't understand. (For instance, driving without pants—when the hell did that become a misdemeanor?) But this should be an entertaining trial, if only for the testimony:
LAWYER: Could you please state your name for the record?
KEANU: ...
LAWYER: Let the record show that defendant pointed to an image of himself on a tattered, yellowed newspaper ad for Little Buddha. Now, Mr. Reeves, can you tell the court what happened on the day in question?
KEANU: Can I have a Claritin?
LAWYER: Uh...???
JUDGE: I believe the defendant is asking for a clarification, counsel.
LAWYER: Very well, then. Can you tell me what happened on the day that the complainant alleges that you hit him with your car?
KEANU: Oh. Ummm....blueberries?
LAWYER: *rubs temples* Your honor, I would like to request a recess until defendant is able to properly answer the question.
KEANU: Whoa....
Continue Reading "Keanu Reeves on trial, somehow not for his acting"
Jun 17 2008Keanu Reeves hangs out with random topless chick, is truly The One
Keanu Reeves was spotted hanging out on the French Riviera with an unknown topless woman yesterday which forced top scientists to conclude that "Yes, that crazy ass Matrix shit is for real."
NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions that will make you wonder why Point Break isn't considered biblical canon. Patch me through to the Pope.
Continue Reading "Keanu Reeves hangs out with random topless chick, is truly The One"
Mar 20 2007Keanu Reeves runs over the paparazzi
Keanu Reeves hit a paparazzo with his car yesterday while pulling out of a parking space. According to the LA County Sheriff's Department:
"Mr. Reeves pulled out of a parking space, parallel to the curb, and grazed a paparazzo" with his 1996 Porsche, around 8:45 PM Monday night in Rancho Palos Verdes. The Sheriff's Dept. claims that the man then, "fell to the ground," and "paramedics were summoned." The photog was transported by ambulance to a local hospital, where he was treated for unknown injuries. Reeves was not injured during the accident.
The biggest mystery here is why anybody is following Keanu Reeves around trying to take his picture. There wasn't a gas station attendant they could've been photographing? Or a gardener? Trying to get exclusive shots of Keanu Reeves is like trying to get exclusive shots of the dumpster behind Starbucks.
A few more of Keanu Reeves inspecting his Porsche after the jump.
Oct 25 2006Keanu Reeves might be homeless
See that cup and saucer in the background? Yeah, that's his. No idea where it came from, but if you follow the sequence of events after the jump it looks like Keanu takes a few sips and then leaves it on the ground. I guess that's what homeless people are doing these days. That and taking dumps on the sidewalk as I throw change at them. Because that's what happened about 14 seconds after that last picture was taken. I mean Jesus, there was a bathroom right there, Keanu.
More of Keanu standing around with his fancy drinking ware after the jump.
Dec 21 2005Lindsay Lohan whoring around with Keanu
Now that Lindsay Lohan has moved down to Keanu Reeves on her list of people to bone, she'll likely be knocking on Pauly Shore's door by Valentine's Day. This is either another sad attempt to make Wilmer jealous, or the latest twist in downward spiral that ends with Lindsay sprawled out naked in my garage under a pile of "Herbie the Love Bug" DVDs.
Both stars were dining with friends, and just happened to get up at the same time to use the washroom facilities. They made eye contact in the lobby, chatted, complimented each other's work and finally asked the front desk for pen and paper to exchange numbers.
Yeah, yeah, it sounds innocent enough, but let's not deny that she probably cornered Keanu in the parking lot and forced him to tell her that she's prettier than her sister. Keanu, take it from me, Lindsay will vaporize your soul faster than an R. Kelly golden shower. Run away now!
