Nov 3 2009Kate Gosselin still loves Jon

Seen here as the younger, more fake-breasted version I prefer, Kate Gosselin appeared on Today this morning where she admitted to still loving Jon and wishing she didn't drive him into the questionable vaginas of other women by constantly insulting him. Via People:

On still loving Jon:
"A part of me always will [love Jon]. It's hard to to be married to somebody for 10 years and try to say, 'No, I don't love them anymore.' It doesn't work really well. I love the memories that we have together."

On her constantly demeaning Jon during the show:
"I was wrong to treat him that way."

On how the kids are taking the divorce:
"They all to a degree say I wish mommy and daddy could be here at the same time, and to that I say, I do too."

On why she can't just walk away from the show:
"At this point, I can't go back. I signed up for a reality show, I didn't sign up to be a tabloid staple. If I said I was done and it was enough, it would just be five more covers of why it is that I'm done, and so I would be living that for a period of time essentially with no income, with no job."

Shit, I knew it. There's going to be a Jon & Kate reunion special isn't there? Those sneaky bastards at TLC played us like a fiddle. If it wasn't a statistical certainty that at least one Gosselin kid is psychologically doomed to light their mansion on fire while everyone's sleeping, I'd almost be pissed off about this. Almost.

Scope Out the Video After the Jump

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Nov 2 2009Jon Gosselin: Spiritual Journeyman

Jon Gosselin is using the oldest trick in the book to cover up his ATV-banging ways: Finding religion. He spent Sunday evening with Rabbi Schmuley of Oprah fame and opened up about his transgressions and his new found lease on life. Via People:

On his celebrity status:

"I think I'm just misunderstood. I'm not a fame seeker. Everyday I look in the mirror and I wonder [why I'm famous]. I don't sing. I don't dance. I'm not a Nobel Peace Prizewinner. I just had eight kids and I had a show on TLC."

On his antics in the press:
"Half the stuff I've done, if I look at my moral compass, I shouldn't have done. I know that but I did it anyway. It's like fame canceled out conviction."

On mending his relationship with Kate:
"I want to apologize to Kate in private. I'll apologize to her for openly having relationships in the public eye. That was a huge mistake, because if she would've done that to me, I would have been extremely pissed off. Not because our relationship is over, it's almost like a stab in the back. And now that I think about it, it was a very wrong thing to do. I definitely regret it."

On Hailey Glassman:
"We decided not to take a break, just slow things down, until I get through my divorce and I know everything is settled and okay. I don't want another failure in my relationships. I don't want to make the same mistakes I made with Kate, with Hailey. I would just be repeating the pattern over again."

So basically this is Jon's cover for eventually crawling back to TLC and letting them film his kids in exchange for enough money to buy a Lamborghini with his face airbrushed on the door. Or "for the healing," as it'll be called in the press release.

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Oct 29 2009So this is what Armageddon looks like...

If Heidi & Spencer dressed up as Jon & Kate Gosselin didn't just open the doorway to Satan's fiery butthole, then frankly, folks, I don't think anything will. Except for maybe me thinking "Damn, Kate Gosselin kinda looks hot in these." AH, IT BURNS!!!

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Oct 28 2009Kate Gosselin isn't ready to date

Unlike her ex-husband Jon "I Never Met a Vagina I Didn't Like Including Lopsided Ones" Gosselin, Kate is swearing off dating according to her recent appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Via Celebuzz:

"I'm not thinking about [dating] but the thought has crossed my mind at some point [that] it's going to be scrutinized. Let's not talk about it."
Kate did, elaborate, however, that she wouldn't want to subject any new suitors to the glare of the spotlight and "the 18 cars [of paparazzi] that follow me around."

Listen to Miss Hollywood here complete with Starbucks grip: "Oh, I don't want to frighten the poor man with my glamorous lifestyle." Notice how her answer isn't: "I'm not sure how my kids would respond to it." I mean, it's not like she wouldn't be concerned about that because if they're all out of whack and not filming, who's going to foot the Lexus lease? And cue the panic attack.

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Oct 27 2009Kate Gosselin wants to be in movies now

Kate Gosselin did a very special Q&A episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 last night and basically admitted she's going to milk her uterus some more and break into movies. People reports:

"I've done enough years on TV that I feel like it's a normal, comfortable, natural place to be," she said. "I'd love to be in a movie at some point, I'd love to be the voice of a cartoon character in a movie for my kids. I think that would be fun."

Dear Makers of Madagascar 3,

I will fucking kill you.

- The Superficial

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Oct 26 2009Jon Gosselin returned the money. For real this time.

On Friday reports were flying that Jon Gosselin either did or didn't really return the money he withdrew from a joint account he shares with Kate in violation of their arbitration agreement. The cash is now back in the account, according to People:

Attorneys for Jon and Kate Gosselin confirmed Monday morning that Jon has complied with a court order to return money missing from the couple's joint bank account - but Jon says Kate has yet to account for how she spent $33,000 in cash withdrawals.
Jon appeared in Montgomery County court on Monday, while his estranged wife did not. Cheryl Young, one of Kate's attorneys, told Judge Arthur Tilson that the amount in question accounted for only five percent of what was in dispute, and that a divorce arbitrator did not require her to break down the cash withdrawals.

The Superficial has obtained an exclusive detailed accounting of where Kate spent the missing $33,000:

- Reverse mulletotomies: $10,000
- NASA designed WonderBras: $10,000
- 8 child size tiger cages for when the nannies call in sick: $8,000
- Hypnotherapy to forget having Jon Gosselin's naked gut on top of her: $5,000

All semi-reasonable expenses, but I dare you to find me a judge that will contest that last one.

Oct 16 2009TLC sues the pants off Jon Gosselin

After essentially drowning their Asian cash cows, TLC has filed a lawsuit against Jon Gosselin for breach of contract and they literally plan on suing him into the poor house, according to RadarOnline. The network wants all the money he's made off unauthorized interviews, paparazzi deals, etc. and plans to nail Jon with all their attorney fees as well:

A RadarOnline.com investigation has uncovered shocking facts behind the lawsuit TLC filed against Jon Friday for breach of contract. TLC already knows Jon has been paid for media appearances and every penny will come out in the lawsuit. The paydays are in violation of his contract with the network, which has a clearly defined exclusivity clause.
That contract is valid until February 2010, even though the show is no longer filming. In addition, RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively that TLC has an option to renew Jon's contract once it expires, thereby keeping him from doing projects on any other network.
Jon's negative public comments also violate his contact and the network is seeking damages against him and Jon will also be on the hook for TLC's attorney's fees if the network wins in court. TLC is represented by Williams and Connolly, out of Washington D.C. They are widely regarded as one of the top firms in the country and have a reputation for digging up every damaging fact about their opponents.
Jon also has a morals clause in his contract RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively. His boozing and behavior could also be dragged into the lawsuit. TLC's contract with Jon prohibits him from revealing details from his contract, badmouthing the network, and making money from other outlets.

Anyone else feel like a small child being read a soothing bedtime story and all is right in the world or is that just me?

Oct 16 2009Jon Gosselin: Master Hacker?

Jon Gosselin is getting seriously screwed by Stephanie Santoro. And not just in a dollhouse while the kids were sleeping. The one-time nanny is claiming that Jon confided in her that he was hacking into Kate's e-mails and bank accounts, according to E! Online:

"Jon told me that he pretty much hacked into everything of Kate's that he had access to," she said. "Her online banking, that he had a trace on every single one of her emails so anytime she would get an email he would get a copy of it...He said that he had enough there that when the ball dropped he had enough to completely screw her over with everything."

Okay, granted they're going through a divorce, but honestly, how salacious could Kate's e-mails be? Then again...

Dear Kate,

--

Wait, you weren't supposed to see that last one. I mean, uh, Jon Gosselin framed me. You balding cock!