Nov 11 2009Josh Duhamel shirtless plus Fergie talking about his giant penis
Seen here poolside in Atlanta over the weekend, Josh Duhamel apparently is "well-endowed," according to Fergie's interview with The Advocate. I'm not quite sure how the mechanics of that would work, but I'm guessing they do a lot of Spaceballs re-enacting in the bedroom.
FERGIE: I see your Schwartz is as big as mine.
JOSH: .... I really wish you never saw me murder that hooker.
FERGIE: Ha, I don't. EN GARDE!
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Jul 20 2009Fergie has a penis. It's official.
And that's a cock. Well, folks, there's not really much to say at this point except for "I told you so" followed by a slew of questions regarding the legality of Fergie and Josh's marriage in a post-Prop 8 California. That said, someone should probably check on Carrie Prejean and make sure she doesn't come after these two with a wooden stake. Just to be safe.
Thanks to Meg and Lorenz who understand everything I say is infallible gospel truth. Except for that time I said I banged a unicorn. (It was a pegasus.)
Jul 6 2009Kim Kardashian just lowered property values
- Lauren Conrad claims Ryan Gosling hit on her. Does he like them boring? I forget. [Lainey Gossip]
- Jenna Fischer is engaged. That's what she said. (See what I did there?) [PopEater]
- Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel aren't broken up. Just unhappily drifting through life's menial chores together. Whee? [Just Jared]
- Janice Dickinson still attracts men. -- I'm assuming large promises of cash are involved. Followed by roofies when that doesn't work. [Celebslam]
- Josh Duhamel admits he's climbed on the pole before. Wow. That's just too easy. You know, because Fergie has a penis. [The Blemish]
- Heidi Klum's child will not go hungry. Enough said. [PopSugar]
- Angelina Jolie and David Beckham might be making weird Armani ads together. Somewhere Tom Cruise is wondering what Angelina's got they he doesn't have. Besides the ability to not require a booster seat. [I'm Not Obsessed]
Jun 25 2009Josh Duhamel wishes he punched Perez Hilton
Josh Duhamel stopped by Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night and, since he's married to Fergie, the conversation obviously turned towards Sunday's incident involving Perez Hilton and the Black Eyed Peas:
On the situation in general:
"I try not to get into it especially now because I don't think he deserves that much. He's got more press than he deserves from this whole thing."
On Perez Hilton:
"He goes a little below the belt, and when you poke somebody in the chest enough and when you call them enough names, I think it's good to get your nose bloody."
On who he wishes threw the punch:
"I kind of wish it was me."
Just so I don't look like a hypocrite, I'd like to state for the record that if Josh Duhamel ever punched me in the face, I had it coming for all those times I pointed out his wife's penis. That said, I know he wouldn't do it just like I could never punch him. It's against the Beautiful Man Code we swore to uphold. With sexy.
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Feb 6 2009Paris Hilton laughs at Fergie's engagement ring
Paris Hilton apparently feels she's in the position to insult people's engagement rings. Including Fergie who recently married Josh Duhamel while Paris got dumped by an Elmer Fudd twin. NY Daily News reports:
Paris Hilton chatted up Fergie during the Vanity Fair & Krug dinner party at L.A.’s Chateau Marmont, grilling the singer for details of her recent wedding and honeymoon. But as soon as Fergie Ferg walked away, the celebutard sniped to sister Nicky, “Ha — my engagement ring was bigger!”
You know what else is hilarious about Fergie's ring? IT WORKED. But don't ask me how, I'm not versed in devil magic.
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Jan 11 2009Fergie & Josh Duhamel got married
Fergie and Josh Duhamel tied the knot yesterday at the Church Estate Vineyards in Malibu, People reports:
The Black Eyed Peas singer, 33, wearing a Dolce & Gabbana gown, and the actor, 36, tied the knot at the Church Estates Vineyards in Malibu.
Fergie carried a bouquet of white flowers studded with crystals as the couple exchanged H. Stern rings engraved with personal messages. Ten bridesmaids were dressed in contrasting black.
God bless Josh Duhamel for being the only man alive to say "Oh, yeah, I want to wake up next to that face." Personally, I'd prefer a homeless guy with a gaping head wound. Which reminds me: Hey, Bleedy, want some Pop Tarts? Bleedy? Oh, no...
Congratulations, Josh & Fergie. May your happiness last. Dammit, Bleedy, it wasn't your time!
Mar 21 2008Fergie + crystal meth = Hilarity! And also muffins
Fergie is an admitted former methhead and shared with Marie Claire some of her drop dead riotous adventures in paranoia. Fergie was so sure the government was after her that they were hiding in baked goods. ABC News reports:
"I had about 20 different conspiracy theories. I painted the windows in my apartment black so they couldn't see in," Fergie told Marie Claire, explaining that she thought the FBI was after her during her brief addiction to methamphetamines around 2001.
"One day, when I was about 90 pounds, a guy comes up to me. ... I'm searching in the bushes for clues about whatever they're after me for. I'm in a cowboy hat and red lips. He hands me a muffin. I'm thinking, he's in on it," Fergie said.
You know what compliments a good drug story? Baby bump pictures! That's good, old-fashioned awkwardness. These shots were taken last night and there's no denying Josh Duhamel hates his penis. He impregnated Fergie which must've been like knocking up an anatomically correct wax statue - of a man. But without the usual erotic undertones of such an act. I'm, uh, not allowed in a lot of museums these days...
Thanks to Stormy Towers and his brother Cloudy Bungalow.
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Dec 27 2007Fergie and Josh Duhamel get engaged
Fergie and Josh Duhamel got engaged sometime over the Christmas weekend. Their reps won’t confirm the exact date, but they say the two are officially getting married. E! News reports:
The proposal comes after Fergie told Blender earlier this month that she was in no real rush to get engaged because she and Duhamel were "practically married, anyway."
"I'm madly in love with him," she said of her now fiancé. "He understands how to treat a woman and give me respect."
It’s official: Josh Duhamel hates his penis. This makes the tattoo on my chest no longer a random sentence that mysteriously appeared after a night of malt liquor. I can proudly go shirtless to family gatherings. Who’s the loser now, dad?
