Nov 18 2009Jon Gosselin signed hand-written legal contract with Kate Major. Of course, he did.
Presumably drunk on homely snizz, Jon Gosselin signed a hand-written contract with former Star reporter Kate Major in exchange for her keeping their relationship secret. RadarOnline reports:
"I, Jon Gosselin, will employ Kate Major as a personal assistant," Jon wrote on the document dated July 28, 2009. Jon pledged that she could handle "some but not all future accounts" in a paragraph notable for its scratched out section.
And in language that just begs for a lawyer somewhere to hear a cash register ringing, Jon writes: "She will receive a percentage of accounts for payment based upon involvement."
Jesus Christ. So basically Jon Gosselin married Kate Major. The sex stopped and she's walking away with half his cash. There's really no other way to describe what happened here.
Nov 12 2009There's a Jon Gosselin sex tape
Let's not act like this wasn't always one booty hunt through Ponderosa away from happening. Via the National Enqurier:
Jon's bodyguard Thomas Meinelt has been subpoenaed to testify in TLC's lawsuit against Jon, and The ENQUIRER has learned Meinelt claims he saw Jon snort cocaine many times, and that he's watched Jon's secret sex tape!
"Tom told me that Jon was secretly videotaped having sex with a woman in Los Angeles in October, and he's seen the tape!" said Stephanie Santoro, Jon's former flame and family nanny.
"Tom said people close to Jon put a camera in his hotel room, and paid a girl to flirt with Jon and have sex with him.
"He also told me that he saw Jon snort cocaine on more than one occasion, and that the more Jon got into partying, the more cocaine he used!"
Well, this explains all the spiritual awakening and self-parodying that's been going on lately. Although I was kind of hoping it'd be for something a little more original than a sex tape. Like Jon Gosselin secretly trained his kids to be an elite squad of dead hooker disposers. Or he gave his social security number to Michael Lohan for a shoebox of Lindsay's old bras which, in hindsight, I probably shouldn't rule out. Keep that one open.
Nov 11 2009Jon Gosselin made a Funny or Die video. Of course.
As part of his journey to make people forget he banged homely women in his kids' treehouse, Jon Gosselin parodies himself in the latest Funny or Die video. I can't believe I'm admitting this, but up until the last 20 seconds or so, it's actually pretty funny. Then again, that's coming from a guy who's been pummeled in the face for 6-8 months by the Gosselin's uterus train wreck, so take everything I say with a grain of ovary.
Scope Out the Video After the Jump
Continue Reading "Jon Gosselin made a Funny or Die video. Of course."
Nov 9 2009Michael Lohan throws Jon Gosselin under the bus
When he's not selling his apparently edited collection of phone calls, Michael Lohan is throwing Jon Gosselin under the bus and presumably collecting a nice chunk of change from TLC in the process. RadarOnline reports:
TLC is suing Jon Gosselin for breach of contract in part because of other business deals the cable net claims he was doing in violation of their exclusive agreement, and they've subpoenaed his former best friend Michael Lohan as a witness.
"He did deals with me," Lohan told RadarOnline.com in an exclusive interview. "I was working on a deal with him for a Nutrisystem endorsement and a book deal. He got a paid a lot of money for different promotions, clubs, magazines, and by a TV network." Lohan told us he didn't know his deals with Jon might be in violation of his TLC contract. "At times he said what we were doing was ok; at times times he said it was a problem. I guess that's why he got paid cash for so many of the personal appearances so no one would know.
All you can do in this situation is laugh at Jon Gosselin and his hilariously awful judgment skills. He should've known something was fishy the first time Mike saw him take a leak then tried to tell TMZ it was yellow if they paid his back child support. (Try and act like that's not the most believable scenario you've ever heard. I dare you.)
Nov 3 2009Kate Gosselin still loves Jon
Seen here as the younger, more fake-breasted version I prefer, Kate Gosselin appeared on Today this morning where she admitted to still loving Jon and wishing she didn't drive him into the questionable vaginas of other women by constantly insulting him. Via People:
On still loving Jon:
"A part of me always will [love Jon]. It's hard to to be married to somebody for 10 years and try to say, 'No, I don't love them anymore.' It doesn't work really well. I love the memories that we have together."
On her constantly demeaning Jon during the show:
"I was wrong to treat him that way."
On how the kids are taking the divorce:
"They all to a degree say I wish mommy and daddy could be here at the same time, and to that I say, I do too."
On why she can't just walk away from the show:
"At this point, I can't go back. I signed up for a reality show, I didn't sign up to be a tabloid staple. If I said I was done and it was enough, it would just be five more covers of why it is that I'm done, and so I would be living that for a period of time essentially with no income, with no job."
Shit, I knew it. There's going to be a Jon & Kate reunion special isn't there? Those sneaky bastards at TLC played us like a fiddle. If it wasn't a statistical certainty that at least one Gosselin kid is psychologically doomed to light their mansion on fire while everyone's sleeping, I'd almost be pissed off about this. Almost.
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Nov 2 2009Jon Gosselin: Spiritual Journeyman
Jon Gosselin is using the oldest trick in the book to cover up his ATV-banging ways: Finding religion. He spent Sunday evening with Rabbi Schmuley of Oprah fame and opened up about his transgressions and his new found lease on life. Via People:
On his celebrity status:
"I think I'm just misunderstood. I'm not a fame seeker. Everyday I look in the mirror and I wonder [why I'm famous]. I don't sing. I don't dance. I'm not a Nobel Peace Prizewinner. I just had eight kids and I had a show on TLC."
On his antics in the press:
"Half the stuff I've done, if I look at my moral compass, I shouldn't have done. I know that but I did it anyway. It's like fame canceled out conviction."
On mending his relationship with Kate:
"I want to apologize to Kate in private. I'll apologize to her for openly having relationships in the public eye. That was a huge mistake, because if she would've done that to me, I would have been extremely pissed off. Not because our relationship is over, it's almost like a stab in the back. And now that I think about it, it was a very wrong thing to do. I definitely regret it."
On Hailey Glassman:
"We decided not to take a break, just slow things down, until I get through my divorce and I know everything is settled and okay. I don't want another failure in my relationships. I don't want to make the same mistakes I made with Kate, with Hailey. I would just be repeating the pattern over again."
So basically this is Jon's cover for eventually crawling back to TLC and letting them film his kids in exchange for enough money to buy a Lamborghini with his face airbrushed on the door. Or "for the healing," as it'll be called in the press release.
Nov 1 2009Jon Gosselin dumped Hailey Glassman
Because there's never a shortage of mediocre trim in America (Thanks, fast food!), Jon Gosselin has parted ways with Hailey Glassman who, in one last act of submission, participated in a carefully planned publicity campaign to make Jon look like he's going on a deep, spiritual quest. People reports:
Still, a source told PEOPLE, "This was all a carefully orchestrated sequence: First, Hailey laments how hard her life has been lately and how bad Jon treats her, then Jon repents. Next, Jon plans to announce that he is going to be spending some time alone."
The source added, "It has all been designed so that it doesn't seem as though Hailey got dumped."
Of course this plan will inevitably fall apart considering Jon Gosselin has all the discretionary skills of a live grenade. No, really, by Monday morning I guarantee we'll be hearing first person accounts of Jon seducing women in an Applebee's parking lot. "He said he'd get me my own reality show but all he did was steal my doggie bag after 30 seconds of intercourse. 25 of which he spent telling me to demean him until he got an erection. 'In Kate's voice! IN KATE'S VOICE!'"
Oct 29 2009So this is what Armageddon looks like...
If Heidi & Spencer dressed up as Jon & Kate Gosselin didn't just open the doorway to Satan's fiery butthole, then frankly, folks, I don't think anything will. Except for maybe me thinking "Damn, Kate Gosselin kinda looks hot in these." AH, IT BURNS!!!
