Oct 14 2009Madonna gives Jesus an allowance
Jesus Luz's relationship is apparently a gold mine. A dusty, scary, 5 million year old goldmine, but a goldmine nonetheless. InTouch reports:
According to a friend, Jesus, 23, put his modeling career on hold in order to accompany Madonna around the world -- and that move is definitely paying off. "Jesus basically lived paycheck to paycheck before he met Madonna, and he, like most people, had bills," a friend explains. But now, his money worries are a thing of the past. "Madonna gives him about $10,000 a month to cover his expenses, including his cell phone, insurance and credit card payments," adds the pal.
So basically Madonna solicits male prostitutes. This explains so much except for why she doesn't just use her sorcery to coerce their penises into her. Is it not as kinky? I'm not versed in the dark arts.
Sep 16 2009Catherine Zeta-Jones' still got it and other news
- Scarlett Johannson is auctioning off a chance to be within gawking distance of her lady mountains. [PopEater]
- Jennifer Aniston singing for Ellen = the worst lesbian porn I've seen in my life. [Lainey Gossip]
- Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen want to name their unborn son Gabriel. [Just Jared]
- Jesus Luz is still bound by Madonna's sorcery. Seek holy water, son. Holy water! [PopSugar]
- Linda Hogan continues banging that Charley Hill kid but has finally found the decency to make him look like a 38 year old bartender at Applebee's. [Celebslam]
- Shia LaBeouf is a Wall Street broker who plays by his own rules. Except for helmet laws which he apparently obeys at the expense of his badass mystique. [Splash News]
- Burt Reynolds was in rehab for an addiction to awesome. And, okay, pain pills. [Wonderwall]
Continue Reading "Catherine Zeta-Jones' still got it and other news"
Aug 18 2009Madonna vs. The Sun: The Battle Continues...
Here's Madonna in Portofino, Italy celebrating her 51st birthday and, yes, she's wearing a jersey with her own name on it. Because a woman who parades around on stage in fishnets can't wear a bathing suit, she has to look like LeBron James after a terrible bleaching accident. As if that's not bad enough, after jumping into the water, Madonna finds the sun's rays to be too harsh and makes an assistant swim out to her. Holding an umbrella. Jesus. Could you imagine if the water was too cold? "Hey. Somebody swim out here and build me a fire. Madonna demands warmth!"
Scope Out (16) Pics of Madonna After the Jump
Continue Reading "Madonna vs. The Sun: The Battle Continues..."
Aug 17 2009Tyra Banks joins a flash mob and other news
- Jesus Luz earns his paycheck at Madonna's 51st birthday dinner. [Splash News]
- Jessica Simpson is NOT replacing Paula Abdul. Is it because she can't read? That's discrimination! [PopEater]
- Gwyneth Paltrow used to be in on the jokes. Now she's the ass end. [Lainey Gossip]
- Tom Cruise's white sneakers: A revealing look. [Celebslam]
- Michael Vick is now blogging his apology. Jesus Christ. The man has to play for the shitass Eagles now. Hasn't he suffered enough? (Note: I'm being facetious. About the suffering enough part.) [Just Jared]
- Gwen Stefani is a recent mother of two yet I don't suspect her of hiding fried chicken in her purse. Just throwing that out there. [PopSugar]
- Mark Wahlberg's lungs are made of vaginas. [The Blemish]
Continue Reading "Tyra Banks joins a flash mob and other news"
Apr 27 2009Katie Holmes smiling? What the...
- Katie Holmes allowed in public without Tom?! Somewhere he just uppercut a cockroach. After getting a stool and jumping really high that is. [Just Jared]
- Kathleen Turner or Britney Spears in 15 years? Not even they know. [Celebslam]
- Guy Ritchie is a big fan of the Jesus/Madonna relationship. Better his penis than Guy's. Am I right? High five! [I'm Not Obsessed]
- Meg Ryan is aging well? Maybe? Don't quote me on that. [Lainey Gossip]
- Matthew McConaughey will challenge any dad to a diaper changing race. Right here, right now. I suddenly feel very sorry for Levi's first little league game. "Mom, why is dad's shirt off? And he keeps whipping beers at me to run faster." [Pink is the New Blog]
- Octomom gets a tattoo to honor her Octo-babies. Hmm... who else do I know with lots of kids and tattoos? Don't tell me. I know this one. [Radar Online]
Apr 27 2009Madonna & Jesus: Together again for the very first time
Thanks to a fortuitous flight off the back of a horse, Madonna and Jesus Luz have rekindled their love affair. Her friends in the fashion world are even working overtime to keep him in the US, according to Page Six:
Marc Jacobs "wrote a letter of support for Jesus' work permit" to allow him to stay in the country, said our source. "Marc campaigned for Jesus, saying he is highly talented and a necessity to the label." Last week, Women's Wear Daily reported Dolce & Gabbana's fall-winter menswear campaign will feature Luz. Our tipster said, "All these fashion lines are hiring Jesus as a favor to Madonna. As long as he can legally work in the US, they can be together."
Of course, this should come to no surprise as no one based on Madonna's longstanding relationship with the fashion world:
"Either find me young models to feast on their youth, or I'll wear your clothes upon my frame - in public! Muahahaha!" - Written in blood at Dolce & Gabbana headquarters.
Continue Reading "Madonna & Jesus: Together again for the very first time"
Mar 25 2009Madonna's flings threaten her adoption plans
Madonna's relationships with Jesus Luz and Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez have thrown a wrench into her plans to adopt three-year-old Mercy from Malawi. NY Daily News reports:
"The news she is linked to another woman's husband and a young man less than half her age makes us question her morals."
Officials are unhappy the 50-year-old Material Mom, who adopted toddler David Banda in Malawi in 2006, flaunted her relationship with Luz in a recent racy W Magazine spread.
Simon Chisale, Malawi's child welfare chief, said morality plays a big part in the adoption process.
"We do not only look at the material issues, but also the moral standing of prospective adoptive parents, because we do not want our children's morals to be corrupted," Chisale said.
When reached for comment, Madonna responded by sprouting leather wings and flying off into the air. She was last seen over the Atlantic carrying a small African child in her talons. In related news, the entire country of Malawi is still engulfed in flames this morning...
Mar 20 2009Madonna forsakes Jesus to the curb
Madonna has decided to end things with her 22-year-old boyfriend Jesus Luz after he was spotted partying in Rio with several females and reportedly hooked up with 19-year-old model Luciana Costa, according to the Daily Star:
As our insider explained: "Madonna has just come out of a very long and difficult relationship.
"She was drawn to Jesus. But it was just a bit of fun and she's enjoyed herself. But she is growing bored of the relationship and her family comes first. He would ruin her chances of adopting again. And the pictures of him with Luciana made her realise that he'll be better suited to somebody his own age."
Somewhere Guy Ritchie is laughing so hard English Muffins shot out of his nose. That's the British way, folks. That's the British way.
