Nov 23 2008Jean-Claude Van Damme probably shouldn't be allowed near women

Poor Sarah Ball over at Newsweek got stuck with the assignment to call Jean-Claude Van Damme and discuss his latest movie J.C.V.D. I say "poor" because what Sarah's editors neglected to tell her is the man's flipping Froot Loops and has a penchant for horribly-veiled innuendos. Just read:

There's a monologue in the film about being a washed-up action star. Did you improvise that?
I like structure—like driving: go past the school on the street, stay on the right side, no hitting the car, go in right, you'll see a big church, stop and take a left, and you'll have it. By doing this I'm giving a structure of life, a path of light, and showing what happens between me and me, which is something very beautiful.
Beautiful? Why?
I really opened myself up in "JCVD." I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am, or the woman you are.
OK —
It was like being naked—I would love to be naked in front of you.
Well, I —
Not being naked being naked. I say such things in Hong Kong and they thought I was being a crazy Frenchman. Being naked of protection.
So you ' ve no regrets at all?
Believe me—I've done very good stuff and very crazy stuff, and I don't regret the crazy stuff. So are you in New York?
Yes, I am.
And are you 27, or 32?
I ' m 22.
Oh, f–––. That is very young. Will you come to the premiere?
I don ' t know. When is it?
I don't know. You will wear all black, a black dress and high heels?
Uh —
You can come find me, I will be the one with the very broad shoulders, dark hair and a simple suit. We can have some champagne, you and me.

I should probably point out that Jean-Claude Van Damme is married. Whoops! Though to be fair he's on his fifth marriage, and it's the second go-round with this wife. She knew what she was getting into. (Herpes.)

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May 19 2008Jean-Claude Van Damme still losing the kick-boxing fight known as 'life'

Jean-Claude Van Damme posed on his hotel balcony this morning while in France attending Cannes. He unleashed his trademark super-high kick to show that, yes, he's still got it. What exactly "it" is remains open to debate.*

*But not really; The man has Smurf nuts. Boom! Case closed. Now, who wants burritos?

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