Aug 7 2008Mary-Kate Olsen off the hook, Feds close Heath Ledger case

Mary-Kate Olsen is free to murder another young actor in his prime. (Please be Dane Cook. Please be Dane Cook. Please be Dane Cook.) Federal prosecutors have decided not to pursue a criminal case regarding Heath Ledger's acquisition of prescription painkillers and sleeping pills, according to the AP:

Prosecutors in the U.S. attorney's office in Manhattan had been overseeing a Drug Enforcement Administration probe into whether the painkillers found in Ledger's system were obtained illegally. But the prosecutors have bowed out "because they don't believe there's a viable target," said the official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because no charges have been filed.

And by "they don't believe there's a viable target" they obviously mean "Candace Cameron's decapitated head arrived in a box this morning."

Aug 5 2008Mary-Kate Olsen's lawyer doing a bang-up job making her look not guilty

Mary-Kate's lawyer took to the press yesterday after a story ran in the New York Post claiming Mary-Kate Olsen is seeking immunity from prosecution before speaking to the DEA about Heath Ledger's accidental overdose. The AP reports:

"We have provided the government with relevant information including facts in the chronology of events surrounding Mr. Ledger's death," Miller said in a statement Monday, "and the fact that Ms. Olsen does not know the source of the drugs Mr. Ledger consumed."

The Associated Press has spoken to an official within the DEA who can confirm the reports that Mary-Kate's lawyer is indeed angling for immunity and refusing to cooperate:

The official confirmed a report that Olsen wants a promise of immunity from prosecution before speaking to the Drug Enforcement Administration. Olsen was a close friend of Ledger's, and was the first person called by a masseuse who found the 28-year-old "Dark Knight" actor's lifeless body in his Manhattan apartment.
Authorities have obtained a subpoena that could force Olsen to appear before a grand jury if negotiations with her lawyer fail, the official said.

Okay, let's cut to the chase: So, maybe Mary-Kate Olsen provided Heath Ledger with the drugs and left a note saying "Take 20 and call me in the morning." That doesn't mean she necessarily "killed" him, I think - maybe. Who knows? I'm not very good at this lawyer stuff. But, I do know a half vampire bat when I see one, and how do you convict a member of the animal kingdom? Answer: You don't. That's double jeopardy, my friends. I rest my case and object stuff.

Aug 4 2008Mary-Kate Olsen wants immunity in Heath Ledger investigation

Mary-Kate Olsen is refusing to be interviewed by federal investigators about Heath Ledger's accidental overdose until she's granted immunity from prosecution. This latest move proves what I've always feared: Pauly Shore knew something relevant when he claimed the Olsen twins are diabolical. May God have mercy on us all. The New York Post reports:

The actress' lawyer has repeatedly rebuffed attempts by the feds to question Olsen, who was the first person called after her masseuse discovered Ledger's body in his SoHo apartment in January.
Frustrated federal officials could obtain a grand-jury subpoena to compel the funky "Full House" actress to tell them whatever she knows about the "Dark Knight" star's behavior, his possible drug use and the events of that fateful morning, according to sources.
Probers have interviewed everyone connected to Ledger and his death, including his doctors, the masseuse, bodyguards, housekeepers, business associates and even the mother of his 2-year-old daughter, Matilda, his "Brokeback Mountain" co-star Michelle Williams.
"Ms. Williams was extremely nice and cooperative," a source said.

And by nice and cooperative, the source meant Michelle Williams grabbed an FBI agent by the collar and yelled "It was Mary-Kate Olsen, you sonofabitch! I'll have your badge for breakfast." But no one ever suspects the Olsen twins - until it's too late. I'm serious. They're still looking for Bob Saget's body.

EDIT: Turns out Bob Saget is still alive. I'm as shocked as you are.

Thanks to Liz who won't watch Full House without the lights on and a priest handy.

Continue Reading "Mary-Kate Olsen wants immunity in Heath Ledger investigation"

Jun 16 2008Hulk Hogan threatened by Graziano family, graves vowed to be pissed on

John Graziano's brother Frank has allegedly been leaving Hulk Hogan threatening messages since his appearance on Larry King Live, according to TMZ:

The voicemail threats made against Hulk Hogan and his family -- calling them "whores" and threatening to "piss on you and your family's grave" -- have been released.
Clearwater PD tells TMZ there is an "open investigation" into the calls.

The messages were played on Bubba the Love Sponge's (?) radio show this morning and they're beyond pathetic. It's basically some assclown who's seen way too many episodes of The Sopranos. The Hulk said some asinine shit, but he deserves a believable death threat that doesn't make me laugh then suddenly crave a meatball sub. I'm talking a dead fish in his mailbox. Or shaving off his moustache in his sleep. I hope you're writing these gems down, Frank Graziano, and not just polishing your pinky ring with a slice a da pizza.

EDIT: Uncensored and NSFW version of the messages here. Not safe for the kiddies either unless you want to explain why Darth Vader keeps saying "cocksucker."

Oct 19 2007David Copperfield is hiding something from the FBI

David Copperfield is being investigated by the FBI though nobody will explain why. He has a warehouse in Las Vegas called the International Museum & Library of the Conjuring Arts where he keeps tricks and memorabilia, and it was raided by FBI agents Wednesday where they seized a computer hard drive, a digital camera memory chip, and nearly two million dollars in cash.

"We understand there is an investigation, we are in touch with the investigators, and are respecting the confidentiality of the investigation," Copperfield's lawyer David Chesnoff said in a brief statement.

Everything about this is just so mysterious. I think it'd be pretty funny if the director of the FBI saw a magic special and this whole case is to figure out how David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear. I mean, it was there, and then it wasn't. Where'd it go?! How'd he do it?! I bet there was a mirror involved. I'm pretty clever when it comes to these things.