Oct 8 2009Guy Ritchie: 'Madonna is retarded'
In an interview with Esquire's Tom Chiarrella, Guy Ritchie decides to ignore the fact his ex-wife is fused with ancient powers and bluntly insults her intelligence:
"She's a manifester, if there ever was one," he says. "First-rate manifester. Madonna makes things happen. Put Madonna up against any twenty-three-year-old, she'll outwork them, outdance them, outperform them. The woman is broad."
"Broad," I say, repeating the word of the day.
"And, of course, here you go: I still love her," he says. He takes a breath, drives through a red light. If no one is ahead of him, Guy Ritchie does not typically stop. "But she's retarded, too."
The mere fact that Guy Ritchie brazenly calls Madonna "retarded" in a national publication proves what I've suspected all along: He knows how to take her down. -- Or wants to get dropped in a volcano after being carried by her razor sharp talons. Honestly, it could go either way on this one.
May 28 2009Madonna nude painting is... I don't even know
Here's a nude portrait of Madonna and Guy Ritchie painted in 2005 that goes up for auction on Saturday in Scotland. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume the artist is blind, so no one had the heart to tell him: A.) He was supposed to paint Madonna not Britney Spears. And B.) Guy Ritchie isn't a 1920s caricature of a black man trying to steal "the white womens." Stop me if I'm getting warm.
NOTE: Pic links to NSFW version, so don't get fired looking at cartoon nips.
Continue Reading "Madonna nude painting is... I don't even know"
Apr 30 2009Jennifer Aniston still hates children
- Jennifer Aniston is NOT adopting a baby. No, Angelina would be expecting that. But a dolphin.... [PopSugar]
- Hugh Jackman bought breakfast for 800 Wolverine fans waiting in line in Arizona. See, kids, never having sex does pay off. Free bagels?! That's way better than a vagina! Awww yeah! [ICYDK]
- Paul Abdul apparently still doesn't realized she was duped by Sacha Baron Cohen for his upcoming movie Bruno. She does, however, know that gin is delicious. Yum yum. [Videogum]
- Daniel Craig wearing sweatpants. Hey, sometimes even James Bond feels like a fatty and doesn't want to leave the house. Fortunately, escort services deliver. God save the Queen! [Best Week Ever]
- Madonna gives Guy Ritchie the kids for the entire summer. Then again, that's when she slumbers 10,000 feet below the Earth's crust, and a Wii will only entertain them for so long. [Allie is Wired]
- Sarah Palin vs. Ann Coulter: It's like someone figured out what I think about when I masturbate. Then substituted Sarah Palin and Ann Coulter. [Jezebel]
Apr 27 2009Katie Holmes smiling? What the...
- Katie Holmes allowed in public without Tom?! Somewhere he just uppercut a cockroach. After getting a stool and jumping really high that is. [Just Jared]
- Kathleen Turner or Britney Spears in 15 years? Not even they know. [Celebslam]
- Guy Ritchie is a big fan of the Jesus/Madonna relationship. Better his penis than Guy's. Am I right? High five! [I'm Not Obsessed]
- Meg Ryan is aging well? Maybe? Don't quote me on that. [Lainey Gossip]
- Matthew McConaughey will challenge any dad to a diaper changing race. Right here, right now. I suddenly feel very sorry for Levi's first little league game. "Mom, why is dad's shirt off? And he keeps whipping beers at me to run faster." [Pink is the New Blog]
- Octomom gets a tattoo to honor her Octo-babies. Hmm... who else do I know with lots of kids and tattoos? Don't tell me. I know this one. [Radar Online]
Mar 24 2009Geri Halliwell & Guy Ritchie?
A newly single Geri Halliwell (a.k.a. Ginger Spice) dolled herself up for the UK premiere of The Boat that Rocked last night then went out on the town at Guy Ritchie's pub The Punchbowl. The two reportedly left within ten minutes of each other, according to The Sun which is awesome in my book. After years of sleeping with Madonna's undead carcass is anyone seriously going to begrudge Guy a shot at Yams McBronzeAlot here? God, it must feel nice to bed a woman who doesn't disappear in the middle of the night to eat the neighbor's children and/or puppies.
Dec 17 2008Madonna makes no f-cking sense
Madonna is denying reports that she paid Guy Ritchie a $76 million divorce settlement. The two issued a joint statement this morning refuting yesterday's highly publicized reports of their settlement, according to People:
"We have tried to maintain a dignified silence regarding the details of our divorce for the last few months whilst accepting the obvious media interest.
"A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money involved, was wrongly issued to AP this week.
"The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement.
"Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well being of our children."
Jesus, Madonna, which is it? First, you didn't want to give Guy Ritchie any money. Then you wanted to give him money to make him look like a gold-digger. But now the two of you are issuing joint statements together which makes absolutely no fucking sense. Seriously, I'm tempted to send someone over to check your sarcophagus for a gas leak. Where do you hide a spare key for A-Rod? Under the Sphinx? Got it.
Dec 7 2008Madonna gives Guy Ritchie huge chunk of money out of spite
Despite claims that Guy Ritchie will walk away from his divorce with none of Madonna's money, he is reportedly getting a $64 million payoff to let her keep their London home and sign away any claims to her $600 million fortune. News of the World reports:
But a source revealed: “He is getting one lump sum imminently. Guy wanted to stay in their London home but Madonna refused to split it in two, and eventually gave him £12 million as compensation. She decided early on that he should get Ashcombe.
“Guy’s ducked out of fighting over her fortune, even though he could be entitled to a big chunk.” A friend of Madonna said last night: “She is fed- up at reports that Guy is walking away with no money—she has sorted his finances for life.”
Let me get this straight: Madonna is tired of Guy Ritchie saying he's not taking her money, so she threw $64 million at him to piss him off. - - Damn, she's figured it out. Alright, ladies, I didn't want to do this, but since Madonna cracked the code, it's time to come clean. If you really want to get your man back, nothing will piss him off more than $64 million in cold hard cash. We fucking hate that. Sorry, fellas, the cat's out of the bag. Those crafty women have outsmarted us again because they can be doctors, too, and don't look fat in those jeans, Beautiful.
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Nov 20 2008Guy Ritchie declines Madonna's money in divorce settlement
Guy Ritchie just poured tea, biscuits and poor dental hygiene all over Madonna's claims that he's a gold-digger. The British director has refused to accept a penny of her money in their divorce settlement with his only concern being the living arrangement of their children. The Daily Mail reports:
Although Ritchie, himself believed to be worth £30m, was entitled under English divorce law to as much as half of her wealth, sources suggest he has done a 'Piper' - a reference to Billie Piper, the actress who divorced the broadcaster Chris Evans without asking for anything.
The stumbling block in the split had been over where Ritchie and Madonna’s children will now live.
Madonna, 50, wished to take the children back to New York while Ritchie, 40, wanted to keep his sons in London, where they have grown up.
The source said a compromise had now been reached which will see the two boys - Rocco, eight, and three-year-old adopted David - dividing their time between Britain and the US.
Before everyone starts singing the praises of Guy Ritchie, his intentions are not entirely altruistic. C'mon, the dude's smart. He knows you don't steal a mummy's gold without a scorpion ending up in your urethra. That's science.
