Jul 31 2009Eminem fires back at Mariah Carey
In response to Nick Cannon's open letter and Mariah Carey's latest video, Eminem has released his latest song "The Warning," and it's pretty much everything you'd expect from Eminem. Via PopCrunch:
Yeah, what you gonna say? I'm lucky? Tell the public that I was so ugly that you had to be drunk to me?
Second base? What the fuck you tell Nick, punk?
In the second week we was dry humping. It's gotta count for something.
Listen, girly. Surely you don't want me to talk about how I nutted early cos ejaculated early and bus all over your belly, and you almost started hurling and said I was gross, go get a towel you're stomachs curling. Or maybe you do.
But if I'm embarrassing me, I'm embarrassing you and don't you dare say it isn't true.
As long as the song's getting airplay I'm dissing you.
You know what would be awesome about this song? If it were 2001 and more than five people know who the hell Nick Cannon is. That said, Eminem's willingness to embarrass himself doesn't exactly make everything he says true. For example, just because I'm willing to admit I only have a two foot long penis that doesn't mean I can honestly claim to be Spider-man. -- Or does it?
Audio and Full Lyrics After the Jump
Jun 30 2009Mariah Carey's giant breasts shoot a video
Here's Mariah Carey on the set of her latest music video "Obsessed" in New York yesterday where reports are pouring in she dressed up like Eminem. Because everyone knows Eminem has black hair, a goatee and looks exactly like a tan-skinned women in a hoodie. No, really, those would be the exact words I'd use to describe him to a blind man. Provided his dog shit on my shoes then killed my brother in a drive-by shooting. True story.
Scope Out (24) Pics of Mariah After the Jump
Continue Reading "Mariah Carey's giant breasts shoot a video"
Jun 1 2009Eminem gets Bruno's nuts in his face
During an elaborate intro to present an award and promote Bruno, a winged Sacha Baron Cohen landed directly in Eminem's lap essentially tea-bagging him. Eminem was visibly pissed and his bodyguards batted Sacha around like a pinata before the entire entourage stormed out of the theater. Nobody knows if Enimem was in on it, but one thing's for certain: He had a man's balls on his chin, so you should probably stop respecting him as an artist. Just to be safe.
May 14 2009Jessica Simpson almost pitied by Eminem
- Eminem debated whether to make fun of Jessica Simpson's weight which proves he has a vagina. Science has spoken! [ICYDK]
- Kristin Cavallari is replacing Lauren Conrad on The Hills. Wait, I forgot my target demographic isn't 15-year-old girls. Gotta stop doing that. [PopSugar]
- Gwyneth Paltrow posts her playlist on GOOP but mostly wants you to know she's super besties with DJ AM and Samantha Ronson. You bow now, bitches! [Lainey Gossip]
- Katy Perry apparently turns back into a blow-up doll after midnight. I knew it! [Jezebel]
- Jonah Hill spoofs Spencer Pratt who tweets about how big of an erection it gave him. And that, children, is how unicorns are made. [Just Jared]
May 14 2009Eminem wants to pee on Mariah Carey
In case there's any doubt Eminem is the greatest wordsmith of our generation, check out his latest volley in the ongoing feud with Nick Cannon. It pretty much demonstrates the full depth of his uncanny word.. things. The Sun reports:
But the warning has been ignored as Em took another shot at Mariah as he spoke on his satellite channel Shade 45.
He told listeners: "We're taking callers right now (from) any woman who wants to be peed on."
When asked what he'd say to Mariah if she called in, the MC replied: "I already did that."
His next move? Trick her into eating mudpies. Aw, snap, bitch!
May 11 2009Nick Cannon writes crazy shit about Eminem
Nick Cannon just heard Eminem's "Bagpipes from Baghdad" off his new album Relapse, and it contains several choice words about Mariah Carey. Not one to let an opportunity at relevancy pass him by, Nick Cannon took to his blog and essentially wrote a 500-page novel on whether or not he should kick Eminem's ass. I'm not even joking. Here's an excerpt from the insanity:
So as I further examine the track, I hear dude cross the line. He begins to call my wife out of her name! Now as y'all know, I don't take that type of nonsense lightly. So on some grown man shit I'm instantly like, I got to get at this Lame. I know it's only entertainment and I'm all for freedom of speech. But I'm from the school of thought where if you are tough enough to talk shit, you got to be tough enough to deal with the consequences that come with tough guy shit talking! Then the little angel on my shoulder said, "No Nicholas, there is no need to play into his negativity. He is just a troubled soul yearning for the lost spotlight. You must be Christ like and turn the other cheek"
But then the dude on the other shoulder said, " What Nigga?! Is you scared?! You can't let no man ever disrespect your wife! Especially not some Peroxide drenched homophobic has-been! This is like some Paquiao vs. Hatton shit! He is underestimating you with his ass out and you can drop him in the first round!"
Nick then goes on to equate insulting Mariah Carey as an insult to black women everywhere and then informs Eminem he knows karate before eventually ending on this note:
So Miss Marshall, I'm going to make you wish you never spoke my name and regret the ungodly things you said about my wife. This is going to be fun! It's however you want it! Just remember, you did this to yourself! Your legacy has now been tainted from this day forth! You will now be known as the rapper who lost to Corny-ass Nick Cannon!!!
Here's what I want to know: How did Nick Cannon have time to write all this when he should've been cleaning the pool, picking up the dry cleaning and constantly refilling Mariah's glass? Oh, and also not having sex. That, too.
Continue Reading "Nick Cannon writes crazy shit about Eminem"
May 4 2009Hugh Jackman named his penis
- Hugh Jackman named his penis "James Roger." Well, I'm sold on Wolverine now. Who's with me? [Allie is Wired]
- George Clooney is testifying in Cindy Crawford's husband sexual harassment case. If it's a lady judge, here's the verdict: SEX-TASTIC! Followed by a lengthy mistrial. [PopSugar]
- Kate Walsh dating Private Practice co-star Paul Adelstein. I'm assuming this is juicy news, but then again I tried to get drunk off Scope this morning. Read into that however you like. [ICYDK]
- Jon Hamm is apparently super dreamy in person and nice as hell to boot. Hey, Draper, other people are working their asses off lowering expectations. I don't clip coupons for Olive Garden for my health! [Best Week Ever]
- Eminem has another new video that suddenly that has something to do with murdering McDonald's employees, Kim Kardashian and Hannah Montana. So, yes, he's still basically Weird Al. [Videogum]
- Madonna's publicist pretty much lies about everything. No matter how trivial the news, she'll tell you the exact fucking opposite. Which is why I'll be calling her later to say that Madonna is a normal human being who doesn't eat children. [Jezebel]
Apr 8 2009Kim Kardashian 'honored' by Eminem video
Because Kim Kardashian never met a form of publicity she didn't like, she's thrilled to be in the new Eminem video, according to her blog:
I just saw Eminem's new video for "We Made You" and he totally spoofs me!! It was a total surprise to me because I had no idea he was going to talk about me in the song.
I think this video is so funny! I am a huge Eminem fan and find it flattering that he would rap about me. He's a bit harsh about some other celebrities, but you just have to let it go and have a sense of humor. Personally, I'm honored.
You gotta hand it to Kim, she'll take whatever she can get. Which is why I'm sure she'll be honored by the life-size replica of her ass I built for the military. Besides its sheer aesthetic value, it also doubles as a garage for tanks, humvees and the occasional aircraft carrier - or two. God bless you, Kim Kardashian.
