Sep 30 2009Madonna eats our lowly mortal food and other news

- Dustin Diamond reads an excerpt from his tell-all book involving Mario Lopez's sexual conquests - with women. Nice try, Screech. [PopEater]

- Jessica Biel really did get dumped by Justin Timberlake: A convincing argument. [Lainey Gossip]

- Denise Richards: I'd still hit it. I don't care if she talks about Charlie Sheen's fear of breastfeeding the whole time, I'd do it. That needed to be said. [Drunken Stepfather: Site is NSFW]

- Katie Holmes should be using this time for something more useful than taking Suri shopping. Like, oh I dunno, fleeing the goddamn country and adopting a new alias. Kids love that shit. [PopSugar]

- Jon Hamm in Muppet form. [Just Jared]

- Jessica Alba finds acting work in the third Fockers movie. -- Why did that sentence feel like an oxymoron? [The Blemish]

- Kate Gosselin on slowing down the divorce: "Fuuuuuuuuuuck that." Okay, maybe not her exact words, but it's what she was thinking while stuffing her children in brown sacks with dollar signs on them. [Socialite Life]

Continue Reading "Madonna eats our lowly mortal food and other news"

Aug 6 2009Dustin Diamond is still an enormous douche

At the unanimous request of cast members, Dustin Diamond was left out of People's Saved by the Bell reunion issue. One of the reasons was his supposed tell-all book which is finally seeing the light of day after being dropped by a major publisher for being a blatantly false crock of shit. Us Magazine reports:

When it was first announced in July 2008 that Diamond would pen the memoir, publisher Gotham Books promised "sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying" that occurred throughout the nearly thirteen years he was a part of the hit sitcom franchise.
But, according to The New York Observer, Gotham dropped the 32-year-old star shortly after he turned in his manuscript three months ago. Behind the Bell has since been picked up by a small Montreal-based operation called Transit Publishing.
"This book is freaking incredible!" Diamond's literary agent, Jarred Weisfeld, has said. "Everyone that reads it loves it, and [it] is truly one of my favorites of all time."

Yes. Because I'm going to take the word of a literary agent who describes a Saved by the Bell tell-all written by fucking Screech as one of his "favorites of all time." So let me guess, before this Jarred Weisfeld was editing the backs of cereal boxes. "Hmm, how many E's should I put in 'They're great!'? God. Literature is hard."

Continue Reading "Dustin Diamond is still an enormous douche"

Apr 28 2008Dustin Diamond: A-Hole Extraordinaire

If you've ever had the distinct pleasure of having Dustin Diamond visit your college or you attended one of his shows, you will immediately support the validity of this e-mail I received. I've heard many a tale of how much of a jerkass Dustin is in person and, since it's early Monday morning, I'm sharing a recent anecdote for you to enjoy. This story comes from reader Jeremy who, along with his friend "Gee," had the task of picking up Samuel Powers at the airport last Wednesday. I now present to you: "A Kind of Long E-mail Where Screech Says a Bunch of Crazy Shit and Bombs at a Comedy Club But Sadly Does Not Feature a Cameo by Kelly Kapowski Who I Would Give My Left Testicle To Get With True Story":

So, we got to the airport, we saw Dustin Diamond (whose only demand was that we don't call him Screech or mention Saved by the Bell), and we approached him, telling him that we were there to pick him up. He asked if we worked for the State, and we said no, but we were there to pick him up, anyway. He seemed okay with that.
Once we got in the car, with his luggage barely fitting in the trunk, we started making awkward small talk. Gee asked him who his comedic influences were, and Screech gave him a few names (Brian Regan, George Carlin, Mitch Hedburg--who Screech says was his best friend). Gee asked him if he liked Bill Hicks at all, and Screech went into a twenty-minute tirade about how much of a joke thief Bill Hicks was. "Oooh, he's an angry smoker who rants against the government, that's really original. He stole his act from Lenny Bruce, who stole his act from some other guy, blah blah blah."
Screech then talked to us about a wide variety of very strange stuff. To sum up: He loved Cloverfield, said that No Country for Old Men was "FUCKING horrible," saved his house by selling 22,000 t-shirts (he signed 17,000 of them), including one to the lead singer of Korn. What else? He called the ending to the Usual Suspects (since he grew up in the industry, he saw through it). He wrote the script for Alien 3, but they didn't use his ideas because they wanted to "remake the first one." He's invented fifteen different household items, including a holiday themed doorbell (it plays holiday music when it rings!). He then browbeat Gee for having such a dirty car and spent the remainder of the ride giving us financial advice on how to stop being poor.
Well, we were told we were going to be compensated for the trip, plus we were going to be given free tickets to the show, but Screech chewed the manager of the State out because we didn't work for the theater and the car wasn't clean, so we got nothing.
This is when I went home and watched Lost. Gee went to the show. Screech hit the stage at 9:30ish. Gee says he was beyond awful. One of the jokes he told me, to give me an idea of the overall style, was that Screech compared having sex with an old grandmother with putting his dick in a grilled cheese sandwich.
Well, obviously, this irritated Gee, and the audience, so he seriously was thinking of walking out, at which point, after one of his more obscene jokes, Screech said, "By the way folks, I am available for children's parties." After having listened to Screech rant for twenty minutes earlier in the day about how much of a joke thief Bill Hicks was, Gee had had enough, stood up and yelled, in the middle of a very quiet theater, "Boo! That's a Bill Hicks joke, you joke thief! Boo!"

So, what have we learned today? 1. Screech hates being called Screech or reminded that he was Screech. Because he'd be so much more famous if he weren't Screech. Good one, Screech. 2. Screech sucks at comedy. Yet still books gigs. Who knows? 3. Screech had sex with a grilled cheese sandwich. Which is surprising because I figured melted cheese on bread would have higher standards. What did Screech promise you, Cheese? A chance to meet Mario Lopez? And you fell for it? Oh, Cheese. You've been using again haven't you?

Thanks to Jeremy who's cooler than burgers at The Max.