Nov 13 2009Lindsay Lohan crawls out of Paris' ex's house
Lindsay Lohan attended the Nu Pop Movement event at Kitson last night then apparently did enough partying to end up doing the walk of shame out of Stavros Niarchos' house at seven this morning. I'm not saying they had sex, but I'm also not saying he didn't make a giant trail of cocaine throughout the inside of his house to keep Lindsay away from the silverware. Just so we're on the same page.
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Nov 3 2009Hugh Grant drunkenly strikes out with model
A shitfaced Hugh Grant reportedly struck out with Project Runway contestant Matar Cohen Saturday night, and despite his well-documented hatred for cameras, he allowed himself to be photographed the entire time presumably in an attempt to land some model-ly poon. Celebslam reports:
"Here's some pics I took of Hugh Grant and Matar Cohen (Israeli model from Project Runway) from Halloween at the Standard Hotel in New York. He was drunk as hell and hitting on her like crazy. He kept taking pictures of her and said he liked the way she looked, but Matar didn't go home with him because he was 'too old' (she's 23)."
How depressed must Hugh Grant be? Back in the day, this was the kind of scenario he probably had nightmares about. "NOOOO! Oh God, Elizabeth, dahling, hold me. I dreamt an entire generation of models had no clue about my bloody star power and wouldn't accept my advances. Could you imagine such a thing? Positively dreadful. Now shall we shag or should I solicit the streetwalker again? Too late, I'm already in the taxi. Hugh Grant waits for no vagina!"
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Oct 22 2009Dennis Quaid almost pulled a Mel Gibson
Dennis Quaid got drunk off his ass last night at Philippe's in West Hollywood and apparently attempted to drive home with his wife Kimberly when a friendly police officer stopped him just before he took off. (The motor was running, for you legal nuts.) Of course, had this been you or me, the cop would've waited for us to drive away then let a K-9 unit bite us in the testicles during the arrest. Access Hollywood reports:
According to TMZ and Radar Online, Dennis got behind the wheel of the car when a police car pulled up alongside side the actor's car and urged the 55-year-old actor to not drive.
According to TMZ, police repeatedly told the actor, "Get out of the car."
He reportedly responded to the officer, asking, "What do you want me to do?"
The actor, his wife and friend then reportedly went back inside the restaurant and emerged a short time later to a waiting taxicab.
The waiting paparazzi reportedly screamed, "You don't want a DUI. You don't want to end up like Mel Gibson."
Dennis reportedly laughed before getting into the cab and driving off.
Want to know the worst part of this story? Dennis Quaid was at Kim Kardashian's birthday party which means he could've drunkenly plowed through a day-care filled with orphans and abandoned puppies and people still would've been saying "Kim Kardashian's birthday party?! That's fucking terrible."
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Oct 16 2009Alessandra Ambrosio drunken ass shot
Ever wonder what it would look like to stare up Alessandra Ambrosio's skirt while she's drunk off her ass? SHAZAM! It's like I read your mind. Also, I saw some other shit up there and, dude, that's your cousin. Though she is kind of hot so try not to make any deaf/mutes. High five!
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Oct 9 2009David Hasselhoff adds pants-pissing, doctor-punching to his drunken resume
David Hasselhoff managed to drink himself into the hospital again. This time in London which is an almost superhuman feat considering those people drink 20 pints of ale for breakfast. The Sun reports:
The bender began at the weekend when the US actor joined about 400 A-listers at X Factor supremo Simon Cowell's posh birthday party. He got smashed and was escorted out of a side door and back to the hotel.
A source close to the star said: "David is very hard to handle when he drinks, often very emotional and aggressive. On this occasion he became so drunk he wet his hotel bed - ruining two mattresses - and was becoming a real pain for staff. His assistant Joe Townley was so concerned he called out a doctor. David was furious and lashed out at him - but mistakenly hit the doctor.
"They decided they had no option but to lock him in the basement until an ambulance arrived."
I've funneled a significant amount of booze through my liver, but I can honestly say I've never been so shitfaced it required an entire basement to contain me until a team of paramedics arrived to talk me out of going for nachos. And that's a shame I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. *sniff* DON'T LOOK AT ME!
Sep 21 2009UPDATE: David Hasselhoff vs. Alcohol Poisoning: Round 587!
As legitimate actors with careers attended the Emmy Awards, David Hasselhoff kept it real by sitting at home chugging vodka like it was the goddamn antidote. Unfortunately for him, it ended up being the antidote to not going to the hospital with alcohol poisoning for the 35th time. RadarOnline reports:
Hasselhoff was home with his 17-year-old daughter Hayley and his male assistant and was on a bender. The Hoff had been drinking for more than a day, a source told RadarOnline.com. He recently wrapped taping for America's Got Talent and shortly after began boozing heavily on vodka.
When he appeared to be in physical danger 911 was called and he was transported to the hospital. His daughter went with him and was crying heavily.
And RadarOnline.com has also learned exclusively that the actor has been hospitalized with alcohol poisoning more than five times during the past few years.
Hoff has consistently been in denial about his severe alcoholism say people close to him. He denied that it was alcohol poisoning behind his hospitalization earlier this year but the details of his story changed as more people confirmed it.
Do you want to know my favorite part of this story? The fact that I used a picture of David Hasselhoff aggressively holding a hammer. It's like he saying to alcohol poisoning "Hey, you. Booze. Let's dance." And by dance I of course mean sit around the house without a shirt on telling people you wrote a book. "No, really. Just listen to me. Listen. I wrote it all down. In my mind."
UPDATE: TMZ reports The Hoff's blaming it on an ear infection. Except when asked to touch his ear he fell down a flight of stairs then ordered a pizza. True story.
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Sep 9 2009Tila Tequila punts Shawne Merriman's excuse (Football + Domestic Violence = COMEDY!)
Tila Tequila's lawyers have fired back at Shawne Merriman's claims that he didn't choke the miniature stripper but instead merely prevented her from driving home drunk. Presumably in a Hot Wheels car. TMZ reports:
Shawne Merriman and his advisors have decided that the best defense is a good offense, attacking Tila Tequila in the press with a lot of calculated spin to cover up his illegal and indefensible actions.
Fortunately, we as a society will not tolerate a 6'4", 270 pound all-pro NFL linebacker physically assaulting a young lady who is 4'11" and 93 pounds. It is never justifiable to brutally assault, choke, strike and imprison a woman.
Once the truth is fully revealed, Mr. Merriman's fantastic story of how he was trying to keep Ms. Tequila safe will be completely discredited.
No one, especially a woman, should ever have to endure what Mr. Merriman did to Tila Tequila.
Tila's claiming Shawne was 'roid raging. Shawne's claiming Tila was drunk. So somewhere in the middle is the truth. Or a magic unicorn that hands out condoms because Tila Tequila is an elf and likes to fuck a lot.
Sep 8 2009Tila Tequila citizen arrests abusive boyfriend
Tila Tequila placed her boyfriend Shawne Merriman under citizen's arrest early Sunday morning after he allegedly choked her and refused to let her leave his apartment, according to People:
Early Sunday morning, deputies were called to Merriman's residence in Poway, Calif., a town bordering the city of San Diego, where the reality star, whose real name is Tila Nguyen, claimed she was choked and restrained, according to a press release.
"[Nguyen] made a citizen's arrest," Sheriff's Lt. Gary Steadman tells PEOPLE.
Merriman was charged with battery and false imprisonment, according to the release. Steadman says the results of an investigation will be given to the district attorney's office, which will decide whether to charge the football star.
In a statement to FOX News, Shawne claims he was merely trying to prevent Tila from driving drunk which she says is impossible because she's allergic to alcohol. Except apparently for that night. Gawker reports:
Taking on Merriman's claims that she was drunk at the time of the incident, Tequila tweeted:
"I am allergic to alcohol. It has been publicly known for years. That is how I got the name Tila 'Tequila' cuz the irony. I can't drink."
As happens in the high-speed age of technology, it wasn't long until that story was called into question, what with the owner of the nightclub where it went down described Tequila as "visibly intoxicated."
Considering Shawne Merriman is a large individual and Tila Tequila sleeps in a box of matches, did the police find tweezers on the scene? Because, honestly, I don't how he could've done this. It'd be like trying to choke a LEGO figure. Except this one shoots green clovers and red balloons out of its face until you hand over the keys.
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