Aug 9 2009Michael Jackson's friend claims to be Paris' father

Michael Jackson's longtime friend Mark Lest is claiming he donated the sperm that resulted in Paris Jackson coming out of Debbie Rowe's uterus, according to TMZ:

Lester, who spoke with News of the World, says he is willing to take a paternity test.
Lester says he has "concerns about the welfare and upbringing of the children." Lester says he does not currently have contact with Jackson's three kids and it's "heartbreaking." Lester did not say he's gearing up for a legal fight, but the signs are there ....
Katherine Jackson's lawyer, Londell McMillan, is scoffing at Lester's claim and the move made by Dr. Arnold Klein's lawyer in court last Monday. McMillan said, "These genetic lottery attempts aren't going anywhere. They have no legal standing. They may seek 5 seconds of fame but the claims have no merit."

You know what amazes me about these stories? The incredible amount of sperm management these guys have. "She was conceived on what date? *checks calendar* Why, yes, that was my sperm. I was wearing green socks and a party hat the day I produced it." Are you kidding me? I'm lucky if I remember where I left my keys let alone my seed of life. Which probably explains all that child support I'm paying, but you get where I'm coming from.

Aug 3 2009Joe Jackson gets the boot in custody deal

Joe Jackson will be reportedly forced out of his home per the custody arrangement agreed to by his wife Katherine and Debbie Rowe the biological mother of Michael Jr. and Paris, according to Showbiz 411:

When the custody deal for Michael Jackson's kids is filed tomorrow in Los Angeles Family Court, it will spell the end of Joseph Jackson living at the family's home.
Part of the deal made by Debbie Rowe, the mother of the two eldest children, is that Joseph is gone for good from the Hayvenhurst Avenue, Encino, compound that he bought in the 1970s.
Rowe--as noted before--will allow Katherine Jackson to be the official guardian of the children for the time being. It was Rowe who suggested that a psychologist be involved in her meetings with the kids, Prince--whom she calls Michael--and Paris, while she gets to know them.
As for Joe Jackson, Rowe's lawyers made his absence from the children a non-negotiable part of the custody arrangement. There will be no more talk of Joe the manager trotting out his grandkids as "the Jackson Three" or anything else like that.

I'm in full support of this move. Mostly because "The Jackson Three" is a terrible name. I know Joe's old, but couldn't he come up with something more original? Something catchy like "The MJ Vanilla Babies"; "Jesus Juice & Kids"; "Unmolested Funk." And I'm not even trying. You worked with Berry Gordy, man. C'mon.

Jul 30 2009Debbie Rowe settles custody dispute with Jacksons

Seen here at Dr. Andrew Klein's office on Monday, Debbie Rowe has reached an agreement with the Jacksons over custody of Paris and Michael Jr.. There was no cash settlement but its assumed the Jacksons will honor Debbie's financial arrangement with Michael. TMZ reports:

Sources tell us, Rowe has agreed that Katherine Jackson will be the guardian of Michael's children, subject to the judge's approval.
Rowe will get visitation of the two children she had with Michael.
But here's what's interesting -- Rowe wants and will get a psychologist who will visit the children and help them adjust to her being in their lives on a meaningful basis.
Rowe will maintain her parental rights. We're told the agreement does not specify the amount of visitation.

Wow. What a surprisingly amicable and pleasant end to this fiasco. At least until I looked at the last pic and felt the immediate urge to knock up Debbie Rowe in the back of a Camaro. Dammit! How can one woman wield such power?

Continue Reading "Debbie Rowe settles custody dispute with Jacksons"

Jul 17 2009Debbie Rowe sues over claims she wants a settlement

Debbie Rowe used to have a quiet life. But now, if she's not involved in the most highly publicized custody battle of the century, she's suing women who claim to be her best friend and go on Extra with tales of secret settlement talks. The AP reports:

Rowe filed a defamation and invasion-of-privacy lawsuit Thursday against Rebecca White of Florida. The suit seeks unspecified damages, but specifically targets any money that White may have been paid by TV show "Extra" for an interview that aired earlier this week.
The stories were based on White's description of e-mails she said she exchanged with Rowe after Jackson's death on June 25. Rowe, 50, denies she sent any recent e-mails to White.
The lawsuit also claims intentional infliction of emotional distress and states that Rowe has suffered "shame, mortification, hurt feelings and injury to her reputation" as a result of White's interview.
Rowe's lawsuit states that she hasn't communicated with White since Jackson's death. The suit states that White interviewed her in 2008 for an MTV production and has since been "attempting to portray herself as a friend."
In the "Extra" interview, White is described as a "close friend" who claimed Rowe had emphatically stated in an e-mail exchange that she didn't want custody of Jackson's three children.

Of course, everyone knows this Rebecca White isn't Debbie Rowe's best friend. Because I am. No, really, she sent me an e-mail the other day that says "I would trade all three of those kids for tickets to a Skynyrd cover band. Don't tell the Jacksons." Thick as thieves, us two.

Jul 14 2009Debbie Rowe reveals 'secret settlement' to friend

Shortly after Michael Jackson's death, Debbie Rowe reportedly sent e-mails to her best friend Rebecca White who sat down with Extra to talk about Debbie's intentions in fighting for custody of the children. And while those intentions involve keeping Joe Jackson away from the children, surprise, they also involve going away after being handed a boatload of cash:

In an email dated July 2, 2009, Rowe appears to be conflicted about going after the kids:
Rowe to White: "I'm not going after custody. These kids are not mine. They were never mine. They were always Michael's. I was Michael's best friend."
So, why does White say Rowe is seeking custody?
White: "Because I think things change on a daily basis...It's not like she doesn't love them. It's not like she doesn't want the best for them, but her life is different...The idea of being a mother to those children is something I don't think she really wants. She can't just sit back in the shadows and not say anything because then she will be looked at as the woman who gave up her children and that's a horrible thing to say....She had to do something to protect them in a way."
Rowe confirms these sentiments in an email to White dated July 5, 2009: Rowe to White: "My lawyer is telling me I have to take some responsibility about the welfare of the children. Do I want the kids? Hell no. Does it look good for me to ask for them? Absolutely. I don't want to look like the woman who gave away her kids and just forgot about them. Would Michael want Joe to have them? I think it would be the last thing that he would ever have wanted."
If Rowe doesn't want to be a mother, why does White believe she's seeking custody?
White: "The motivation is money. I really have to be honest...If the children aren't the ones she wants, what else will she gain from it?"
Is a secret custody deal in the works? White: "Yes, absolutely. In one text message she had just said, 'Just wait until the 14th. Everything will be done after the 14th'...There's definitely going to be a secret deal. There's definitely going to be a settlement that's going to come out of this."

So long story short, Debbie Rowe doesn't want to look like the bad guy by not fighting for the kids, but she's willing to publicly abandon them for a gigantic check. Wow. Somebody doesn't deserve to wear the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt. For shame, Debbie. For shame.

Also, we're going to have to confiscate your airbrushed vanity plate. You know the rules.

Continue Reading "Debbie Rowe reveals 'secret settlement' to friend"

Jul 2 2009Debbie Rowe wants the kids and restraining order against Joe Jackson

Debbie Rowe has thrown down the gauntlet and plans to seek custody of Michael Jr. and Paris who she maintains are her biological children. NBC Los Angeles reports:

"I want my children," Rowe said during a 90-minute phone conversation Thursday morning with NBCLA's Chuck Henry.
She said she would seek a restraining order to keep Jackson's father, Joe Jackson, away from the children. The agreement does allow for visitation, but Rowe said it's a very difficult process. She said if she misses a visitation date, it is difficult to reschedule with the Jacksons.
"I am stepping up," Rowe said. "I have to."
Rowe said she was still grieving. She said she decided she had to seek custody after Jackson's death.
"We had an agreement... he didn't keep his end," Rowe said, referring to Jackson's death.
Rowe said she was concerned about splitting up the children. She said she did not expect the court to grant custody of the third child, but added that she would be willing to accept custody.

Okay, I understand Debbie wants to be with her children, but she's overreacting a little bit over Joe Jackson. I mean, once you look past the facial mutilation and pedophilia, Michael Jackson grew up to be one of the most influential musicians of a generation. Who died at 50 from a fatal addiction to medication specifically reserved for knocking out people for surgery. But, again, besides that stuff...

Jun 30 2009Debbie Rowe's lawyer: 'She's the biological mother'

This keeps getting better. Debbie Rowe's lawyer just fired off a statement to RadarOnline stating that she is, in fact, the biological mother of Michael Jackson's oldest children:

"We refuse to be drawn into addressing the various rumors and speculation swirling in the media. The vast majority of what is out there is untrue.
"Particularly hurtful and insidious is the most recent rumor -- which is entirely false -- concerning the maternity of the children. Ms. Rowe is the biological mother of the two oldest children."

Sadly, no one has stepped forward to claim Blanket, but then again, the odds of a kid named Blanket lighting your mattress on fire while you're sleeping is pretty high. Don't believe me? Watch this insane video of Michael Jackson letting Macaulay Culkin play with matches after the jump. Then get back to me.

Continue Reading "Debbie Rowe's lawyer: 'She's the biological mother'"

Jun 30 2009Michael Jackson's dermatologist is the father of Michael Jr. and Paris?

US Weekly is reporting that Michael Jackson's dermatologist, and Debbie Rowe's former boss, Dr. Arnold Klein is allegedly the biological father of Michael Jr. and Paris:

"He is the dad," says a Jackson insider. "He and Debbie signed an agreement saying they would never reveal the truth."
Though neither Rowe nor Jackson ever confessed to their kids' true lineage, she did admit in 2002 that she carried his children as a personal favor (and would not confirm that the marriage was ever consummated).
"I said, 'Let me do this. You need to be a dad. You have been so good to me,'" Rowe -- who met Jackson when she was a nurse's assistant in the 1980s -- has said.

It was revealed earlier today that Debbie Rowe isn't even the biological mother of the children, and now it turns out Michael technically never adopted the kids. That would just make too much sense. TMZ reports:

We've learned Jackson never filed legal papers to adopt any of his children. Legal experts tell us Jackson would be presumed the father but it's not conclusive by any means.
As for why Jackson didn't formally adopt -- we're told at the time the kids were born there was no third party whom he believed would try and claim custody. For some reason, Jackson never thought Debbie Rowe would mount a custody challenge.

Jesus. At this point, I think it's time we all stop bullshitting each other and admit what happened to these kids: Michael Jackson flew into their window with a diamond jetpack and stole them in the dead of night. As for "Blanket," I'm 90% certain DNA tests will confirm he's just a really convincing robot.