Aug 10 2009Kim Kardsashian is blonde and other news
- Kathy Griffin brought Levi Johnston as her date to the Teen Choice Awards. Was this an object lesson for the kids about cougars' old age making them infertile so you don't even have to bother with a condom? Because that's what I picked up. [PopEater]
- Halle Berry is pregnant again? But how?! We haven't made love since that time I wrote the words "Halle" on a bagel. [A Socialite's Life]
- Ashley Greene was caught making out with Chace Crawford this morning. Was that before or after she leaked nude pictures of herself? [Lainey Gossip]
- Natasha Henstridge is making me reconsider women over 30. (But 35's the cut off. Seriously.) [Celebslam]
- Milo Ventimiglia shirtless. In case you're into that sort of thing. (Read: The bare chest of a midget fucker.) [Just Jared]
- Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt keep the sparks alive. Until later that night when they realize that wasn't a lumpy pillow it was Maddox the whole time. "Ha ha! We need to start giving these kids away." [PopSugar]
- Dane Cook booed at the Teen Choice Awards. Wow. I suddenly don't fear the future anymore. It's going to be okay! [The Blemish]
Jun 25 2009Jeff Goldblum is NOT DEAD. Also, other stuff.
- Dane Cook and other opportunists glom onto Michael Jackson's death. [Just Jared]
- LeAnn Rimes vagina apparently has magical powers and lands Eddie Cibrian a role on CSI: Miami. [Lainey Gossip]
- Paris Hilton's hotel room in Dubai was bugged with a hidden camera. I guarantee whoever was on the other end has already died of itchiness. [Celebslam]
- Heidi & Spencer's Pizza Hut commercial gets canned. Turns out Pizza Hut wants to stay in business after all. Smart move. [Pink is the New Blog]
- Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are still alive. If anyone cares. No? Moving on. [PopSugar]
- Adriana Lima wants to constantly pump out babies. Wow, this is easily the saddest news I've heard all day. No, really, it's gonna be hard to top that. [I'm Not Obsessed.]
Dec 31 2008Dane Cook's brother/manager arrested for stealing $3 mil from comic
While Dane Cook's been busy stealing other people's jokes, his own brother has been stealing from him, according to TMZ:
Darryl McCauley -- who was in charge of Cook's financial affairs since the 90s -- was arrested today by the Massachusetts State Police and charged with three counts of larceny and forgery.
Authorities say in one case, Dane's bro forged a $3 million check and deposited it in his account.
Despite the fact I'm convinced Dane Cook's movies are made for the intent purpose of interrogating terrorists, that's gotta suck finding out your own brother has been ripping you off. Wait. Didn't I hire my brother to be my accountant? Oh, shit...
UPDATE: So I checked the books and all I found was a fistful of strip club receipts and a G.I. Joe. Phew. Everything's still there.
Continue Reading "Dane Cook's brother/manager arrested for stealing $3 mil from comic"
Apr 2 2008Dane Cook voted 'The Unfunniest Comic' in Boston
Dane Cook was crowned "The Unfunniest Comic" yesterday in his hometown of Boston. On a radio contest, he beat out stiff competition which included Jay Leno, Carlos Mencia, Paula Poundstone and Jeff Foxworthy. One could say he put "the kibosh" on them. Eh? I feel so dirty. Page Six reports:
"We were talking about how people laugh out loud at nonsense and Dane is a good example of that," Toucher told Page Six. "We'd listen to him and at the end of four minutes he'd change subjects, and that was it. We couldn't figure out when the joke was.
"And he's actually hated. People don't hate others they way they do him. At least Foxworthy panders to rednecks. Dane's stories are so weak you wouldn't want to hear them over lunch."
That bastard. Talking about nonsense during a comedy routine. I'll kill him! Right in the face with my laser blasting cock of doom after I drive a tank through his house. And the tank will be manned by every single chick from Smallville in a bikini (Except Chloe.) This'll teach Dane Cook to be more serious with his comedy. Serious as a heart attack - with AIDS.
EDIT: I've just been informed that Chloe is hot now. I, seriously, haven't watched the show in years. Let it not be said I'm not a reasonable man. She can come. But I hope she understands I run a tight ship/tank. Pillow fights mandatory and we break for strip clubs. Semper Fi!
Continue Reading "Dane Cook voted 'The Unfunniest Comic' in Boston"
Mar 4 2008Tony Romo meets Jessica Simpson's exes
Dallas Cowboy's quarterback and Jessica Simpson's current boyfriend Tony Romo got to spend the evening with her exes last night. Tony was recognized at Cosmopolitan's Fun Fearless Male of the Year awards - along with John Mayer and Dane Cook. That's awkward with a side of douche. Here's what Tony remarked to E! News:
"I guess you date Jessica Simpson, that makes you fearless," quipped the quarterback.
Yeah, because it's really fearless to follow up Dane Cook and John Mayer. C'mon, Tony Romo, you could've been an axe murderer and looked like Prince Charming. Actually, that was more of a suggestion and not a joke. Here's an axe. Start with Dane Cook. Tell him you saw a pair of flair jeans in the alley and it'll be like shooting fish in a barrel. But with an axe.
