Jun 24 2009Spencer Pratt is told about himself. Musically.
- Angelina Jolie wants to be president. Well, we elected a black guy, so why not a quasi-incestuous blood amulet-wearing child collector? It's time, America. It's time. [Celebslam]
- Jonathan Rhys Meyers arrested for drunkenly assaulting an airport bartender who cut him off. -- I'm failing to see the crime here. [The Blemish]
- Paris Hilton is tired of the Cristiano Ronaldo which now she says are completely made-up. Yes, because clearly the paparazzi caused all our eyes to see a clear as fuck picture of her flashing her snizz at Ronaldo in a club. Those devious bastards! [ICYDK]
- Audrina Patridge's solo reality show is picked up by MTV. I'm going to assume she'll be in a bikini the entire time unless their goal is to lose a shit-ton of money by boring their audience into comas. [PopSugar]
- Johnny Depp at the premiere of Public Enemies. For all the ladies who can't figure out what the deal is with Robert Pattinson. [Lainey Gossip]
- Isabel Lucas reportedly out-hots Megan Fox in the new Transformers movie. I'll be the judge of that - when it hits HBO. Don't forget to remind me. [Just Jared]
Thanks to Emily for the video that, while humorous, involved two minutes and 55 seconds too much of Spencer's face..
Jun 18 2009Paris Hilton secretes dumb
- Paris Hilton wants Cristiano Ronaldo to be the David to her Victoria Beckham. If that involves her moving to Europe and immediately becoming irrelevant, where do I sign? [Celebslam]
- Madonna wants Gwyneth Paltrow to decorate Mercy's nursery. I love how Madonna treats an Oscar-winning actress like a Mexican contractor that better stay under budget. Who knew sorcery could be freaking hilarious? [Lainey Gossip]
- Neil Patrick Harris wants a baby. Somewhere Carrie Prejean's breasts just went off like klaxons on a battleship. [The Blemish]
- Padma Lakshmi should host things in my kitchen. And, if it makes her feel more comfortable, I have a video camera. Just sayin'. [I'm Not Obsessed]
- Lauren Conrad continues to admit The Hills is staged which now makes her boring and obvious. [PopSugar]
- Katie Holmes is seriously doing that reality dancing show. Remember when she was so hot you used to watch Dawson's Creek reruns naked in your college dorm room while your roommate was at class? Uh, me neither. [Just Jared]
Jun 17 2009Cristiano Ronaldo goes shirtless
Here's soccer superstar Cristiano Ronaldo heading out to the pool at his hotel in Beverly Hills yesterday. If you're wondering why he didn't go full Speedo, Ronaldo had sex with Paris Hilton last week which means his penis probably looks exactly like Yoda. I'm talking pointy ears, robe and Frank Oz's hand up the back.
Jun 16 2009Cristiano Ronaldo tries tanning the herp away
- Victoria Beckham had her breast implants removed making this the last time I type her name again. [I'm Not Obsessed]
- Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith have sex in their friends' bathrooms during dinner parties. What is this weird feeling I'm experiencing toward Will Smith? It's almost like.. respect? That can't be right. [The Blemish]
- Adrian Grenier is dating Twilight's Ashley Greene which brings her star status to its all-time high of 1/1,000,000,000th of Robert Pattinson's. [PopSugar]
- Gwyneth Paltrow reaches new levels of insipidness by referring to Billy Joel as "William." Excuse me while I drive a bus into my own face. [Celebslam]
- Sacha Baron Cohen poses naked for cover of GQ. Surprisingly absent: Eminem's teabag-ready chin. [Just Jared]
- Russell Crowe on the set of Ridley Scott's Untitled Robin Hood Project. I think people still care about Russell Crowe, but don't quote me on that. Unless it's for the DVD jacket then by all means. [Lainey Gossip]
Jun 12 2009Doug Reinhardt basically takes Paris back
Despite issuing a statement calling her a slut after a very public hookup with Cristiano Ronaldo, Doug Reinhardt took Paris Hilton back last night after she came crawling to his house. TMZ reports:
But our spies say last night Paris begged Doug to take her back. She told him she loved him and had made a mistake by breaking up with him.
We're told she was texting him all night and then showed up at his house at 4 AM this morning, banging on his door. Apparently Doug succumbed to her charm.
According to Page Six, this whole debacle is the result of Paris flipping out Tuesday night because Doug was hanging out with Texas beauty queen Kendhal Beal and Brody Jenner:
"Kendhal knows Brody and Doug, and so they were talking and catching up. They all took a shot and were watching the Lakers game," said the rep. "But Paris got word that Doug was at the bar, and she showed up and started going at it."
Beal's rep told Page Six, "Paris was picking up ice and fruit and throwing it at Kendhal -- she was the victim. Kendhal did nothing offensive or aggressive. Paris was throwing accusations, calling her names. It was the same thing you always hear about Paris and her tirades."
So let me get this straight: Paris flips out on Doug in public, dumps him, bangs a soccer player in front of half of LA the next night, and 24 hours later Doug takes her back? I'm no doctor, but this has to be grounds to declare Doug Reinhardt legally brain dead. Someone notify the next of kin.
Thanks to Miss Zanna who's further convinced thousand dollar bills fall out of Paris' vagina. Along with the occasional snapping turtle.
Jun 11 2009Paris Hilton & Cristiano Ronaldo actually happened
I stand corrected. TMZ managed to snap some shots of Paris Hilton and soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo making out at MyHouse last night:
A source close to Paris told us Ronaldo was staring at her all night before he finally went up to her. After he finally got the nerve to approach her, we're told he couldn't keep his hands off her and they eventually headed over to sister Nicky's house.
Our source said, "Paris is stoked to be with a real athlete -- unlike her ex, a low-paid minor league baseball player."
For the record, the star in the first pic is TMZ's, so I have no idea what's under there. But let's assume it's similar to a stegosaurus laying on its side and covered in maple syrup. Too real? You're right. My bad.
Continue Reading "Paris Hilton & Cristiano Ronaldo actually happened"
Jun 11 2009Paris Hilton rebounds with Cristiano Ronaldo
Just 24 hours after breaking up with Doug Reinhardt, Paris Hilton continues her quest to unleash an itchy apocalypse upon the world by hooking up with Portuguese soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo last night. The Sun reports:
"She was clearly flying under the radar with her sister. She had a couple of cocktails and she was fiddling with her phone throughout the entire meal."
The pair then headed to MyHouse at 11.20pm and Paris made a beeline for Ronaldo's table. The Portuguese star left the club with Paris at 3am and drove to Nicky's pad in West Hollywood. He was spotted leaving at 5am, sporting trademark grin.
I'm going to have to call bullshit on this story because here's topless photos from last August of Ronaldo's ex Nereida Gallardo who is an insane calibre of woman. Hooking up with Paris would be like going from Megan Fox to sticking your penis in a blender that can talk and has a lazy eye. Who does that?
Scope Out (12) Pics of Paris & Cristiano After the Jump
Continue Reading "Paris Hilton rebounds with Cristiano Ronaldo"
Jun 27 2008Nereida Gallardo in a bikini = I hate you, Portuguese soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo
Continuing International Soccer Stars and their Bikini-clad Ladies Week on The Superficial, I'm posting pics of Nereida Gallardo who's vacationing in Sardinia with boyfriend Cristiano Ronaldo. These shots are from today, but I also added some from yesterday because, well, BIKINI. I bet you guys read this site while stroking your chins and thinking "Clearly, this man is a master wordsmith." To which I say, please, I'm just a simple writer - with golden hands given to me by Zeus himself. Accurate anecdote.*
*AKA True story.
