Oct 16 2009Lindsay Lohan takes the legal system very seriously
Here's Lindsay Lohan appearing in court today after it was revealed she failed to complete the alcohol education classes required for her probation. She almost reminds me of Lara Flynn Boyle on The Practice if Lara Flynn Boyle bathed in coke and had the acting skills of a tit mouse.
I'm only kidding, Lindsay. Arching your eyebrow totally has everyone convinced you're paying attention and not at all thinking about delicious gin.
Scope Out (16) Pics of Lindsay After the Jump
Continue Reading "Lindsay Lohan takes the legal system very seriously"
Oct 16 2009Lindsay Lohan in court for skipping alcohol ed classes
Lindsay Lohan was ordered to court today for failing to satisfy the requirements of her probation from her 2007 DUI arrest. TMZ reports:
As we first reported, the Right On Programs -- which Lindsay was ordered to attend as part of her DUI probation -- notified the judge that Lindsay was not satisfying the requirements of the program. Now we have details.
Sources tell TMZ Lindsay had gotten a leave of absence from the course a while back so she could leave the state and work. Time passed and Lindsay never got back in touch with the program so officials there contacted the judge.
Is anyone really surprised that Lindsay is fucking up her probation? Of course she bailed on her alcohol education courses. She probably showed up the first day all excited then dove out the window when she realized there's not actually booze in the room to educate her mouth. What's even more retarded is these people seriously believed Lindsay was working when she stopped showing up. I could understand if she said she was busy wrestling the Loch Ness Monster or traveling through time in a DeLorean. But working? C'mon. Not even Britney Spears would fall for that one, and yesterday I watched her gnaw on a fire hydrant convinced it was candy.
Continue Reading "Lindsay Lohan in court for skipping alcohol ed classes"
May 28 2009Rihanna ordered to testify against Chris Brown
Chris Brown's assault trial is apparently full steam ahead because Rihanna has been ordered to testify against her abusive ex. E! News reports:
The singer's attorney, Donald Etra, told E! News that Rihanna will be called to testify at the June 22 preliminary hearing in Brown's felony assault case.
"The judge advised me that there will be a subpoena for Rihanna as a witness at the preliminary hearing," Etra said following a morning hearing. "She will definitely comply."
And she will be doing so while facing her alleged attacker.
"He has to be here anytime a witness is called," Brown's attorney Mark Geragos said, confirming that the "monster"-denying R&B star will indeed be present to hear the testimony.
Things Chris Brown Should Probably Not Do During Rihanna's Testimony:
1. Scream "I'll kill you!"
2. Wave his fist at her. Then the jurors.
3. Dance for the judge. (That'll be a tough one.)
4. Hug O.J.
Continue Reading "Rihanna ordered to testify against Chris Brown"
Apr 6 2009Chris Brown pleads not guilty
As predicted earlier today, Chris Brown plead not guilty to felony assault and making criminal threats, according to TMZ:
With ex girlfriend Rihanna nowhere in sight, Brown showed up at L.A. County criminal courthouse to face the music for allegedly beating the crap out of her back in February.
Sources inside the courtroom say Chris' mom spent the entire preliminary hearing either in tears or praying for her 19-year-old son. We're told a handful of Chris' friends and four bodyguards were also there to show support.
Praying for her son? Yeah, let's pray Chris Brown doesn't have to go to jail and be held responsible for his actions. I'm sure Jesus will hop right on that one just as soon as he's done answering my prayer that there'll be no pregnant dancers at the strip club tonight. Don't let me down, JC.
Apr 6 2009Rihanna leaves country for Chris Brown arraignment
Seen here leaving the airport, Rihanna has hightailed it to Barbados to avoid being in town for Chris Brown's arraignment on felony assault charges today. Chris' lawyer and prosecutors are heavily negotiating a plea which might actually include jail time, according to TMZ:
We know Brown will plead not guilty tomorrow, however the plea may just be a formality.
Sources say Rihanna has made it clear she does not want to testify in the case and wants Brown to cop a plea. We're told one of the reasons she's in Barbados right now is because "she wants to be as far away from this case as possible."
As we first reported, Brown was inclined to plead either guilty or no contest to a misdemeanor, provided he got no jail time -- but since we broke that story, the D.A. and Mark Geragos, Brown's lawyer, have gotten down to the nitty gritty.
So, essentially, Chris Brown has to prove his love for Rihanna by going to jail and not making her testify in court. After what he did to her face, I'd say that's a fair deal. Provided he also wears a blonde wig and make-up the entire time. Or are we not trying to teach him a life-long lesson here? I forget.
Continue Reading "Rihanna leaves country for Chris Brown arraignment"
Mar 17 2009Amy Winehouse pleads not guilty to assault
Suitably dressed for court, Amy Winehouse appeared before the magistrate today and plead not guilty to charges that she assaulted a fan back in September. The AP reports:
Winehouse, who has been in and out of rehab, looked healthier than in recent appearances and appeared to be in good spirits. She covered her bosom in faux modesty as she entered the courtroom.
Once inside the City of Westminster Magistrates' Court, she confirmed her name and date of birth and pleaded not guilty to a charge of common assault.
Winehouse gave her name as Amy Jade Civil. Her husband of two years, Blake Fielder-Civil, has filed for divorce.
Her lawyer, Mark Haslam, apologized for what he called the singer's slightly late arrival in court, saying she had left her north London home more than two hours earlier but had been delayed.
These are pics of Amy outside the courthouse, and for most women, I'd normally suggest rocking a little cleave to convince the judge of your innocence. (I've seen Judge Judy once. That's like law school - times a million.) However, with Amy Winehouse I probably would've suggested something a little less risque. Like a beekeeper's outfit - complete with mask.
I should open my own practice.
Continue Reading "Amy Winehouse pleads not guilty to assault"
Mar 6 2009Chris Brown & Rihanna might actually be married. Jesus...
Chris Brown appeared in court yesterday afternoon to be arraigned on charges of felony assault and making criminal threats. During the proceedings it became obvious that Rihanna is going to offer prosecutors minimal cooperation and the two might seriously be married. Well, at least Chris Brown is getting some sort of punishment. Ba-doom-sha! Tip your waitress, folks. NY Daily News reports:
"Rihanna will do everything the law requires her to do," he told the Daily News in a post-court interview. "She'll do what the law requires of her. That's all I will say."
Legal experts have said that, while making things more difficult, prosecutors can still try Brown if Rihanna clams up.
Complicating things, published gossip reports and a Daily News source insist the two may have secretly eloped, a claim that Etra refused to address outside the court and in his interview with The News.
"Today was not the day to discuss the nature of their relationship or idle gossip or rumors," is all he would say.
On top of that, Rihanna turned down the court's offer to issue a restraining order against what appears to be her husband of one week:
"Your honor, Miss Fenty does not request that type of order," Etra told her. Rihanna's real name is Robyn Rihanna Fenty, and the 21-year-old "Disturbia" singer was not in court.
Lousteau lectured Brown not to "annoy, harass, molest, threaten or use force or violence against anyone."
Not to annoy, huh? Then, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to follow Chris Brown around and try to catch him making that noise when you sip out of an empty soda cup. Justice, HOOOOOOOO!
Continue Reading "Chris Brown & Rihanna might actually be married. Jesus..."
Mar 5 2009Rihanna's father on Chris Brown charges
Rihanna's father Ronald Fenty spoke to Us Magazine this afternoon shortly after the Los Angeles District Attorney's office charged Chris Brown with felony assault and making criminal threats
On Chris Brown's felony charges:
"Justice can never be served in this situation. He can't feel the pain she felt."
On Rihanna cutting off contact with her family:
"Her mother can't get on to her, her brother told me she changed her email. Somebody has a stranglehold on her. I'm lost. I'll text the old numbers she had, and I call them. One girl answered, and she said, "This is not Robin's number anymore." I asked, "Do you work for Robin? Do you deal with Robin?" And the girl hung up, so I don't know what's going on anymore. I'm lost.
On what he'd tell Chris Brown if he saw him today:
"I would tell Chris, 'Don't ever try again, don't even think about it.' I'm hurt and disturbed at that scenario."
Really? That's all? I'd probably say something along the lines of "Try not to throw off my alignment while I'm backing over you." Or "I'm only using a bat because I love you so much. Which is why there's a gun taped to it." You know, subtle, loving statements where everyone can learn and grow together.
