Sep 24 2008Simon Cowell on Clay Aiken
Simon Cowell responded to Extra today about the obvious news that Clay Aiken is gay:
"Wow, that's a shock. It's like being told Santa Clause isn't real -- unbelievable."
Cowell then softened and encouraged Aiken with "Good for him. If he said it, it's the right thing for him. Good for him." As for how Aiken's fans will react, Cowell opined, "I don't think anyone cares. Let's face it. It's 2008. You know, who cares?"
Wait a minute. Santa Claus isn't real? There goes Christmas. Fuck you, Simon Cowell! And by the way, people do still care if you're gay. They're called Republicans, you fat Grinch. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to silently pray Paula Abdul stabs you with a whiskey bottle.
Sep 23 2008Clay Aiken likes dudes
Hey, everybody, Clay Aiken is gay! The singer, who recently became a dad, has come out of the closet in an exclusive interview with People. In related news, the sky is blue.
NOTE: Hats off to the folks over at Dateline Hollywood for creating hilarious variations, like the one above, of Clay's coming out issue. Looking forward to seeing you tackle the imminent Ricky Martin issue.
Aug 21 2008Ricky Martin pulls a Clay Aiken who pulled a Michael Jackson who - you see where I'm going with this
Ricky Martin is apparently the father of twin boys. Unmarried, ungirflriended Ricky Martin. Turns out he decided to rock the ol' rent a uterus and had a surrogate mother deliver him a pair of sons. The AP reports:
"The children, delivered via gestational surrogacy, are healthy and already under Ricky's full-time care," said the statement. "Ricky is elated to begin this new chapter in his life as a parent and will be spending the remainder of the year out of the public spotlight in order to spend time with his children."
A representative said there was no further information on the details of the children's birth.
Ricky Martin, much like Clay Aiken, has been constantly plagued by rumors that he's gay. And, much like Clay Aiken, he chose the absolute worst possible route to dispel those rumors. What did these two sit in a room together and spitball ideas on how to look straight?
RICKY: We could maybe make love to the strippers, no?
CLAY: I dunno if that'll work, Ricky...
RICKY: How 'bout if we impregnate a woman?
CLAY: Wait... that's it. We'll impregnate women! But without touching their vaginas. My God, it's perfect.
RICKY: Why would we not touch the vagina? What's wrong with vagina?
CLAY: Christ, man, have you ever seen one before? I hear they not only have teeth but can look into a man's soul.
RICKY: I'll get the test tubes.
Aug 8 2008Clay Aiken is a daddy! And he didn't even have to touch a vagina
Clay Aiken's producer, who he convinced to artificially inseminate herself with his seed, gave birth to a baby boy today. Here's hoping she got a sweet bonus for this project or at the very least a fruit basket. E! Online reports:
Faye Aiken told Raleigh radio station WRAL that her son's longtime producer gave birth to son Parker Foster Aiken at 8:08 a.m. in an undisclosed location in the singer's home state.
Parker tipped the scales at 6 pounds, 2 ounces and measured in at 19 inches.
Faye Aiken also broke the news that the Aiken progeny did not inherit dad's fiery red mop, instead saying that he has dark hair and that, upon seeing him, the "Measure of a Man" singer was "smiling from ear to ear."
Shortly after the baby's birth, Clay whipped out doctor's masks and announced "Big news, family. Everyone's going to wear one of these - FOREVER! A HA HA HA HA! Oh, man, this is too rich. Now where's my Coke can full of wine..."
May 29 2008Clay Aiken inseminates his record producer (Neat!)
Pulling a page from the Michael Jackson playbook, Clay Aiken has knocked up a woman - but without dealing with her "icky parts." The mother-to-be is a record producer in her late-40's that has worked on several of Clay's albums. TMZ has the breaking news:
Multiple sources tell us the mother is Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Clay's best friend. He lives at her home when he's in L.A.
We're told Foster, who produced several Aiken CDs, is due in August. She's the sister of record mogul David Foster. We're told she's in her late 40's, though we could not confirm her exact age. She divorced a few years back and has no kids. Aiken is 29. We're told Foster was artificially inseminated. But Clay is a lot more than sperm -- we're told he will have an active role in raising the child.
Clay Aiken often tries to play down the rumors that he's gay. But you know what works against that? Knocking up a chick without having vaginal intercourse. That's sort of the man-meat and potatoes, if you will, of being straight. If a guy is going to be stuck with a kid for the rest of his life, he oughta at least have a story to tell involving whiskey and a trucker named Mabel. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to post-date a child support check. How do you spell "January 2020?"
Continue Reading "Clay Aiken inseminates his record producer (Neat!)"
Jul 9 2007Clay Aiken gets shoved
"I'll take that penis, please."
Clay Aiken was apparently shoved by a female passenger while on a flight to Tulsa over the weekend. Both were questioned by the FBI though neither was charged. There aren't any details of what happened except that the two got into a minor disagreement and then the woman decided she'd push Clay Aiken. Which is shocking, because what kind of person would dare get into a physical confrontation with Clay Aiken? That guy's a bear. I'd rather get into a fist fight with a lion than deal with all 90 pounds of Clay Aiken's fury. I once read that he's so manly he has to shave twelve times a day. With a giant knife.
Jun 19 2006Clay Aiken probably still gay
John Paulus, the former Green Beret who told the National Enquirer he had sex with Clay Aiken, is now pretending to be sorry for selling them the story, writing on his blog: “I regret defying the trust of Clay. I regret hurting him, his family and his fans; I regret that I started a blog that ridiculed him. ... I apologize to Clay for that and I hope he will accept.”
He claims he sold the story to the National Enquirer in a “very callow and selfish moment” and then changed his mind and tried to stop them from publishing it, even sending them a cease-and-desist letter. The editor of the National Enquirer doesn't remember ever seeing a legal letter and denies the claims, saying: “Our reporter couldn’t get him off the phone, It’s not a situation where he told the story one time. He engaged in multiple conversations with our reporter. He couldn’t stop talking, and then he talked to reporters after it was out.”
So basically Paulus is a liar and deserves to be forever remembered as "the guy who pretended to have gay sex with Clay Aiken." And believe you me that's not something you want to be remembered for. He might as well be known as "the guy who taught Hitler how to be really angry for no reason."
Feb 13 2006Clay Aiken in trouble...gay trouble
Clay Aiken's second album may be in trouble, with RCA putting it "on hold" until the sex allegations of former Green Beret John Paulus blow over. And there are rumors that Aiken's rabid fans could file a class-action lawsuit against the singer. "He represented himself as a heterosexual choirboy," a source said. "They might want their money back." A rep for Aiken said, "The album will come out some time in May."
RCA can wait as long as they want, allegations about Clay Aiken aren't going away any time soon. The only way he could make it any clearer is if he called his new album Homo Ballads and the album cover showed him playing a xylophone made entirely of penises.
