Jan 2 2009Charles Barkley on DUI: 'I just wanted a BJ'

Good news, everybody, Charles Barkley's DUI arrest was for a worthy cause. He wanted to get some head. Finally, a drunk driving story with a happy ending. Well, almost a happy ending. The Smoking Gun reports:

Charles Barkley told Arizona cops that he ran a stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up a girl who had "given him a 'blow job' one week earlier," which the former NBA star described as "the best one he had ever had in his life." According to a Gilbert Police Department report, a copy of which you'll find here, police asked Barkley where he was going at the time of the 1:26 AM traffic stop in Scottsdale. "You want the truth? I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job," answered Barkley.

A cooperative Barkley also joked with a civilian police employee that, "I'll tattoo your name on my ass" if it would get him out of the DUI charge.

Oh, thank God. For a minute there I thought Charles Barkley was risking people's lives for something retarded like KFC or SportsCenter on TiVo. But a BJ? Who's gonna fault him for that? "You see, son, Charles Barkley was with a woman whose mouth could take the paint off a golf ball. I'm telling you this so you know your father didn't die in vain, and also, because I'm a terrible police officer. Which is why I shot your cat on the way in. Now, what kind of perfume does your mom like?"

Dec 31 2008Charles Barkley arrested for DUI

Charles Barkley was arrested for DUI early this morning in Arizona after supposedly getting trashed with Michael Strahan and, no joke, Urkel, according to The Dirty. Suddenly, this news item went from boring to sad faster than you can say "Got any cheeeese?"

I have no respect for myself.