Aug 17 2009Michael Phelps had 'a beer' before crash
Michael Phelps had "a beer" about an hour before getting in an accident in Baltimore on Thursday. People reports:
Investigators found that the Accord's driver, Amanda E. Virkus, was at fault for the crash. She will be cited for failure to obey a red light, and for causing an accident.
Phelps will be cited for driving with an invalid, out-of-state license. When police arrived on scene following the mishap, the Olympic swimmer presented an invalid Michigan drivers license. According to a police source, the Michigan license was no good because Phelps did not pay an earlier fine for not showing proof of insurance. "It looks like he didn't pay a reinstatement fee, and the license was suspended," the source said.
As someone who's told the police on several occasions I've only had one beer, I believe Michael Phelps. Now had he said he only sucked one shot of Jager out of a stripper's navel, I'd have to call him a liar. You do at least ten of those or you have no business being in a bar. I don't care how awesome the cheese fries are.
Aug 14 2009Michael Phelps in three car accident
Michael Phelps was involved in a car accident late last night, according to the Baltimore Sun:
The accident Thursday night that involved Olympic swimming star Michael Phelps was caused when the female driver of a Honda Accord sped through a red light and hit a Cadillac Escalade driven by Phelps at a Mid-Town Belvedere intersection, according to Baltimore police.
Phelps and his two passengers were not hurt and cooperated with the investigation, police said.
People reports police did not administer Michael Phelps a breathalyzer because alcohol was clearly not a factor. Also, he dove into a river and yelled "I'm Aquaman, bitches!" before fucking a seahorse, so it was kind of hard to pin him down at that point. Okay, maybe that didn't happen. But it should have.
Apr 26 2009Jamie Lynn Spears' boyfriend in car accident
Casey Aldridge, the father of Jamie Lynn Spears' daughter Maddie, flipped his truck early this morning in Louisiana. He's currently at the University of Mississippi Medical Center and in stable condition, according to TMZ:
We've learned Casey Aldridge was charged with careless operation of a motor vehicle (a misdemeanor) after last night's crash -- and no other car was involved.
Cops tell TMZ Casey was driving on the LA 606, which is in the Tensas Parish in Louisiana, when he lost control of his F-150 at around 1:30 AM. Law enforcement sources say Casey was initially taken to the Riverland Medical Facility in Ferriday, LA -- which is right across the border from Mississippi.
People is reporting there were "several passengers inside when it went off the shoulder of the road and flipped over." Without all the facts in, I don't want to assume alcohol was the cause of the accident because that would rule out fellatio from a blood relative. But, look, accurate conjecture aside, the important thing is Casey isn't driving a baby around. .... Oh, right.
Feb 3 2009Nick Hogan back on the road already. Whee!
Despite having his license suspended for three years after the 2007 drag-racing crash that left his best friend John Graziano in a vegetative state with a giant hole in his head, Nick Hogan is allowed behind the wheel again but only to and from work with "no exceptions," according to TMZ. Because he wouldn't possibly speed then and try to compensate for a small penis. No way.
Wait. Back up a second. To and from work? Since when does Nick Hogan work? I didn't realize spending his dad's money and listening to an iPod constituted a vocation. But, hey, I'm sure he's learned his lesson. Or will after the next crash. Seriously, for real this time. Promise.
Continue Reading "Nick Hogan back on the road already. Whee!"
Dec 11 2008Macaulay Culkin's sister killed in car accident
Macaulay Culkin's sister Dakota died yesterday after being struck by a car Tuesday afternoon, according to TMZ:
Law enforcement sources tell us Dakota Culkin was walking on the west side of Los Angeles Tuesday when she stepped off a curb and was struck by a car. The 29-year-old Culkin was taken to the UCLA Medical Center where she died of her injuries yesterday afternoon.
So far no arrests have been made. The case is under investigation by LAPD.
Because he dates Mila Kunis there are very few times when I feel bad for Macaulay Culkin. This, tragically, is one of them. My sincerest condolences to him and his family.
Sep 26 2008Shia LaBeouf ducks DUI charges
Shia LaBeouf will not be charged with DUI after a car accident in July that severely damaged his hand. Even though it was later determined the other driver ran a red light, Shia refused a breathalyzer test at the scene which could cost him his license for up to nine months. The Associated Press reports:
There was "insufficient evidence" to charge LaBeouf with drunken driving, Los Angeles County District Attorney spokeswoman Jane Robison said Thursday. She said prosecutors are mulling charges against two other people involved in the July collision, but could not provide further details.
"Shia is most happy that he will not have to go to court," said his attorney, Michael Norris.
It's official: The California Legal System loves Transformers. And, really, who doesn't? It has cars that turn into robots AND Megan Fox's navel. I'd let somebody recklessly drive around drunk for that. Then again, I have a drinking problem and the attention span of a caffeinated two-year-old. What was I talking about? Hey, look, I tied my own shoes!
Aug 7 2008Morgan Freeman released from the hospital
Morgan Freeman was released from the hospital today. He was admitted with several broken bones after flipping his car late Sunday night. People reports:
"I left the hospital today just after 12 noon, Memphis time," Freeman said in a statement released by his rep to PEOPLE. "I'm doing very well. I feel real good. I just really, I thank the staff at 'Elvis Presley [Hospital]' and many, many thanks to my many well-wishers. It's great to know people care about you.”
Upon discharge, Morgan Freeman repeatedly asked "Where all the bitches at?" Before explaining to a hospital worker: "A dog's gotta hunt." God, I can't wait to get old.
Aug 5 2008Morgan Freeman in 'good spirits' despite several broken bones
Morgan Freeman is surprisingly jovial after being pulled out of his car by the jaws of life late Sunday night. He's scheduled to undergo surgery for several broken bones, but is quoted as saying "Pfft. Car crashes are pussy shit." Okay, he didn't really say that, but I like to imagine he did with that distinctive tone he uses to narrate documentaries. People reports:
"He has a broken arm, broken elbow and minor shoulder damage but he is in good spirits," said Donna Lee. "He is going to have surgery this afternoon or tomorrow to correct the damage. He says he'll be okay and is looking forward to a full recovery."
Morgan Freeman's Dark Knight co-star Christian Bale has offered to do whatever it takes to help Morgan get back on his feet. In fact, he's even pledged to punch his own mother in the face if it'll help. Doctors are pretty sure it won't but are afraid of telling Christian and getting headbutted through a window. That shit hurts and these dudes know. They're doctors.
