Apr 28 2009Ashlee Simpson shows off the Bronx Mowgli

Here's Ashlee Simpson carrying Bronx Mowgli in New York City, and before everyone gets bent out of shape, I would never make fun of an innocent baby. But I would suggest one immediately hijacks a car and flees to Mexico. It's either swine flu or being raised by Pete Wentz, kid, and only one comes with a vaccine.

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Apr 6 2009Mickey Rourke wrestles. Like in that movie.

- Mickey Rourke battles Chris Jericho on Wrestlemania 25. The loser: dignity. Ha! See how I assumed there'd be any at a wrestling event? I'm adorable. [Videogum]

- Ashlee Simpson makes Bronx Mowgli watch Fall Out Boy concerts. That's gotta be the worst case of child abuse I've ever heard. Can't we give this kid to Madonna? [PopSugar]

- Zac Efron refuses to Twitter, but Hugh Jackman is all about it. Ladies, adjust your fantasies accordingly. [Vulture]

- Miley Cyrus doesn't care for Robert Pattinson. Based solely on her boyfriend Justin Gaston, I'm going to assume the reason is "Not gay enough." [Allie is Wired]

- Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady's security shot at a paparazzo trying to get pics of their second wedding in Costa Rica. Did the guy look like Bridget Moynahan? Otherwise, that sounds a tad overboard. [Jezebel]

Mar 5 2009Ashlee Simpson wonders when her baby will turn to the Douche Side

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz were spotted flying into Heathrow and Manchester airports yesterday with baby Bronx Mowgli. I didn't know you could catch connecting flights into obscurity, but apparently these two pulled it off. Kudos.

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Dec 28 2008Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz unveil Bronx Mowgli

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz unveiled their future axe-murder Bronx Mowgli Wentz in a holiday card on their website Friends or Enemies.com. This only further proves my theory that Ashlee Simpson is dead. I mean, talk about classic textbook murder. If I've seen it once, I've seen it a thousand times:

Boy meets Girl.
Boy wants baby but without lifelong commitment to Girl and her "icky parts."
Boy goes to John Mayer's house for playdate.
John Mayer suggests some wicked Weekend at Bernie's action to solve Boy's problem.
Boy agrees then requests a naked high five.
Boy and John Mayer alternate scarf-knitting and sweet love-making.
Boy cuddles with John Mayer.
John Mayer says "Do you ever feel like we're the only two souls on Earth."
Boy wistfully responds "Yeah" then sighs contently.
Boy suggests some hot cocoa would go great with their spooning.
John Mayer says "Okay, but look, if you go downstairs and Jennifer Aniston is in the kitchen, don't freak out."
Boy totally freaks out.
John Mayer tries to point out it's not what the Boy thinks.
Boy thought he had really found someone, you know.
Boy now wants to be left alone to sulk and write shitty commercial-friendly emo music.
Boy goes home and waits in his Nightmare Before Christmas pajamas for Girl to give birth and return from hospital.
Boy realizes it's only June.
Boy wishes he brought a Gameboy.
Boy orders pizza.
Boy wonders if Conan's on...

Yup, same old story.

Dec 12 2008Pete Wentz: We're not going to 'pimp out the baby'

Pete Wentz is shooting down rumors that he and Ashlee Simpson will be selling baby photos of Bronx Mowgli to the highest bidder. On his blog A Homeboy's Life, Pete discusses their rationale for not selling photos before slipping into the usual "God, it's so tough being famous" diatribe:

About baby pics gossip: truth is like every celeb couple we were offered mounds and mounds of money by mags from here to Guam to pimp out the baby. We just don’t want to go down that road with him.
We are not placing judgment on those that do as they often use the money in a very charitable way. However, we have made the decision to not sell Bronx’s baby pictures right now. We understand that like other celebrities have said, “there is a bounty on our heads” for these pictures. There is a danger when there are cameras being held over walls and into our backyard. We are followed day and night and that was fine when it was us but we are going to do our best to shelter Bronx from that as much as possible. Its scary to be followed by 10 cars to your home. We understand the curiosity, just not the viciousness that comes along with it when it becomes so insatiable. We know there will be a time when we’ll share him with everyone because that insatiable curiousity becomes unsafe or simply because we’re proud parents who want to show him off! We know our fans support and care about us and want to know about our family and we’ve always been straight up and open with those who care about us most, so at some time, when it makes sense, Bronx will be out in the world.
In the meantime, we’d like to say thank you to those who have allowed us relative privacy in letting us just be a family for now - and to enjoy all the happiness he’s brought us.
ps trust me he’s cute. he looks like his mommy.

JOE SIMPSON: Pete, I've got this baby thing all figured out.
PETE: Let's hear it, big guy.
JOE: Okay, try and follow me, we use Jessica's giant breasts as a sort of 'paparazzi shield.'
PETE: Ha ha. Gross.
JOE: Then, if that doesn't work, Ashlee will take out hers.
PETE: Icky.
JOE: Finally, as a desperate measure, I'll start spraying them with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
PETE: You're making my penis cry.

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