Nov 14 2007Brandon Davis pushes the boundaries of grease
Brandon Davis hit the hair salon over the weekend and the professionals wouldn’t touch him without gloves on. Stylists at the Frederic Fakkai Salon were appalled at Brandon’s grease to hair ratio, according to Page Six:
"Even the shampoo person wore gloves," said a source. "He [Davis] was really out of it, sweating profusely. His eyes were half shut and he was asking for carrot juice, even after they told him they only had orange juice."
So that’s his secret; carrot juice. All this time I was dunking my head in deep fryers, hanging out with mechanics, and laying on the floor of Britney Spears' car. But, now I know how to get that masculine, greasy look: carrot juice. Of course, it’s so simple. I’m totally getting laid tonight. More than usual that is. I wonder if carrot juice will also make my pecs sparkle like a diamond. A sex diamond.
Note: I have no idea what a sex diamond is nor did I fund several unsuccessful expeditions into the heart of Africa that left me broke and living out of a dumpster. I’m not that big into shiny objects. Ooh, a brand new spoon! Yay!
May 15 2007Petra Nemcova has horrible taste in men
Petra Nemcova, who recently broke up with James Blunt, rebounded with Paris Hilton's ex Stavros Niarchos. The two were spotted making out at Bungalow 8 recently as they partied with Stavros' friend Brandon Davis.
"She was grinding him," our witness said. "It was pretty gross. I mean, he used to sleep with Paris. Eww."
I didn't think it was possible, but this chick has worse taste in men than Pamela Anderson. Stavros Niarchos? Jesus, he used to bang Paris Hilton. Petra would be better off dating a syringe filled with syphilis.
Apr 9 2007Brandon Davis has no friends
Brandon Davis showed up to the Details magazine party at producer Mary Parent's house, but when he was denied entrance "he started demanding that staffers get Stavros [Niarchos]" because he had apparently told Davis about the party and was already inside.
But when staffers found Niarchos, he begged them to tell Davis that he wasn't there, adding, "I didn't invite him here, and I don't really want to be around him." Niarchos then joined the other revelers. Davis eventually made such a fuss that he was allowed in - and Niarchos beelined to a Details editor to apologize, adding, "You know I would never bring him here."
You'd have to be insane to want to take responsibility for Brandon Davis. You'd also have to be insane to try and juggle bottles filled with your own urine. Somebody else's urine, sure. But your own? That's just crazy talk.
Dec 14 2006Paris Hilton snorts her desserts
Paris Hilton was spotted with some white residue in her nose yesterday after throwing down $2,600 on lunch at Nellos restaurant in New York. She was there with Brandon Davis and the two left a $250 tip after ordering Caesar Salads followed by two $1050 dishes of Kobe Steaks with white truffles. In response to the suggestion the residue might be (gasp) cocaine, Paris' rep Elliott Mintz said:
"I can tell you Paris does not use narcotics. I would imagine [it's] something like whipped cream or a sugary substance from dessert. Something that naturally might have found it's way to onto her face if she touched her nose or whatever. I'd label it a stray dessert."
He's not even trying to keep it in the realm of reality anymore is he? A stray dessert? Up her nose? He should've gone with the unicorn defense. Namely that a unicorn did it. Besides, Paris would be better off having people think she snorts cocaine than randomly picks her nose after a full day of fingering cakes.
Oct 16 2006Brandon Davis is broke
Brandon Davis - the guy who called Lindsay Lohan 'Firecrotch' and made fun of her for only having $7 million - allegedly bounced a $10,000 check he gave to Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis. Additionally, he supposedly owes record producer Scott Storch and The Palm casino owner George Maloof money, suggesting the billions of dollars his grandfather made aren't readily accessible by his family.
Before Brandon told Page Six, "[Bleep] you," and hung up, he explained that his check had bounced because he was switching banks and that he'd paid Francis back in cash (which Francis denies). The check, a copy of which was obtained by Page Six, states it was refused for "insufficient funds."
The only justice now would be for Lindsay Lohan to make fun of Brandon Davis' poverty by driving by in her Kia and offering him some cash. Only she can't afford to give away real money so it'd have to be the Monopoly kind. Or maybe just newspaper cut into little rectangles with "Real Moneys" written on it with permanent marker.
Sep 12 2006The Olsen twins get rejected
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were invited to an exclusive dinner hosted by Mario Testino to honor French Vogue editor Carine Roitfeld among others, but failed to RSVP and were sent away when they arrived at the door.
"There weren't places for them because they hadn't RSVPed," says one guest. "They were refused entry at the door!" Brandon Davis and Mischa Barton were also denied their unauthorized plus-ones.
It's been a pretty embarrassing couple of weeks for celebrities lately. Sure, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton make up about 98% of the embarrassment, but even people you haven't thought about for years are getting the shaft. What kind of world do we live in where doing a perpetual Zoolander impression can't save you from the shame of rejection? It's like I can't believe in anything anymore.
Sep 4 2006Paris Hilton gets pranked
Guerilla artist Banksy tampered with 500 copies of Paris Hilton's debut album across 48 record shops in the UK by replacing the CD with his own remixes featuring such titles as Why am I Famous?, What Have I Done? and What Am I For? as well as swapping out her picture on the CD sleeve with one of her topless and with a dog's head. I had a similar plan, except mine consisted of 1) acquiring a giant bag of dog feces 2) gathering up all of Paris Hilton's CD's and 3) going to her house and shooting her in the face with a bazooka. Actually I made up steps one and two just now because I thought you wouldn't take me seriously if my plan only had one step. But three steps? Now that's a respectable scheme.
And just cause, here's Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis swapping diseases outside of Barney's. It's hard to tell if they're kissing or just talking uncomfortably close, but either way somebody's gonna be needing a trip to the free clinic.
UPDATE: You can check out some shots of the altered CD case here.
Aug 23 2006Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis live together
Brandon Davis has reportedly been living in Paris Hilton's Hollywood Hills home since getting out of rehab in July, which he checked into after the "fire crotch" video went public.
"His family is selling their home, so Brandon's been shacking up with Paris at her place off the Sunset Strip," an "insider" tells L&S. "All his clothes, his toiletries and even some of the artwork he owns." But the arrangement is reportedly more than temporary. Says the source: "They're hooking up, but she doesn't want anyone to know about it. It's being kept very hush-hush."
So the supposed gazillionaire can't even afford a hotel and has resorted to handing out sexual favors for a place to stay. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Although the real reason I posted this story was so I could share that above shot of Paris Hilton debuting her album in a Tokyo store. It's a scientific fact that when you pretend to stop having sex your face puffs up and your cheeks start to melt. And your skin turns to wax.
