Jun 8 2009Britney Spears' dad won't even let her see booze

Seen here in London over the weekend, Britney Spears' dad Jamie runs things backstage with an iron fist and has prohibited anyone from drinking within eyesight of Britney. The Sun reports:

Britney's family have issued the blanket ban on any areas that the star might pass through on her way from dressing room to stage - and staff have been asked to sign contracts promising that no booze will be available.
A source at the venue says: "Following her problems with alcohol, Britney had requested that everywhere backstage is alcohol free. Her family is monitoring the situation very carefully and we've been made to sign contracts promising not to drink or allow any of the VIP guests to have alcohol in any of the backstage areas that Britney could use. It is very important to Britney that she doesn't see anybody drinking in her presence."

Before I begin, let me crack open a cold, refreshing beer that makes all my problems go away. *sips* Ahh! Delicious. Now where was I? Right, Britney's drinking. Her dad is definitely making the right move. After seeing her breasts flopping around in 2007, it's best for everyone if Britney is kept away from the sauce. I mean, all drinking really does is give you an incredible feeling of self-worth and guarantees no one will take your kids. Plus it tastes like chicken.

NOTE: You should've paid the ransom, England. Muahaha!

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Jan 27 2009Brad Pitt drinking a lot lately. I wonder why...

Seen here arriving in Tokyo this morning, Brad Pitt maintained his amateur bootlegging streak Sunday night by smuggling beer from a SAG Awards after-party, according to the NY Daily News:

“Brad took off after the awards with a bottle of beer in hand,” says a second eyewitness. “But before he could drive off with it, the beer was taken from him. He was really gracious when his ‘road soda’ was taken, though.”

Man, what is driving Brad to drink so much? What could be hanging from his neck causing him to seek refuge in a bottle? I just don't understand, but dammit, I won't rest until I figure it out. Fetch me my magnifying glass!

EDIT: Also, this is apparently Knox and Vivienne's first public debut. So whatever that means to you.

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Dec 2 2008Jessica Alba in swimwear, brandishing booze (Is this what Heaven looks like?)

Jessica Alba is featured in the 2009 Campari calendar, and God, she is so brave for posing like this after having a baby. Talk about empowering. It really gives women out there hope that they too can look awesome after child birth. (Provided they have access to a full-time physical trainer and someone who kicks ass at Photoshop.) Don't stop dreamin', ladies.

NOTE: I have no idea which pic is which month, but I do know this is Jessica Alba wearing a bathing suit. I win!

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Nov 25 2008Lindsay Lohan Falls Off the Wagon: In Glorious Security Tape-vision

What you're looking at is security tape footage of Lindsay Lohan at a Washington D.C. club where Samantha Ronson recently DJ'ed. Highlights include: Recovering alcoholic Lindsay pouring herself vodka and Red Bulls; some lesbian making out - or heterosexual. Who knows?; more making out which is obviously interrupting Lindsay's texting (Gawd); and, finally, like every single night since Lindsay's been 12, a coke deal. *sniff* She's still mommy's little angel...

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Sep 5 2008Britney Spears started hitting the bottle at 13, says mom's book

Lynne Spears tell-all book Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World is remarkably jam-packed with action for an evangelical book about parenting. Lynne reveals Britney started knocking back booze at 13 and, with her mom's help, tricked Justin Timberlake into thinking she was a virgin when really Britney nailed a football player at 14. The best part is: Justin fell for it! Oh, man, these Disney kids are dumb. Although, that could just be the drink. NY Daily News has the details:

Alcohol!:
The pop icon took a liking to booze when she was a 13-year-old Mouseketeer and began experimenting with drugs at 15.

Drugs!
By age 16, Britney's wild-child behavior stunned her family when she was caught with cocaine and marijuana on a private jet, Lynn Spears claims.

SEX!
She admits she allowed her then 16-year-old daughter to sleep with Timberlake, her Mickey Mouse Club co-star, and went along with the hoax that Britney was a virgin. Lynne Spears reveals Timberlake was misled and that Britney lost her virginity to a Kentwood, La., high school football player.

I'm starting to think the title of the book should've been Through the Storm - of Shit that I Created Because I Have the Parenting Skills of a Lawnmower. I mean, Christ, what was the point of this thing? Other than to surprise us all that Britney hasn't stripped naked and hijacked a school bus yet. That was the point? Well then, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Mar 17 2008Happy St. Patrick's Day, drunkies!

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody! Be safe out there and try not to drink too much because I need you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to give me site traffic in the morning. See? I care. Now to continue celebrating this momentous day. I already started this morning by pouring Guinness on me Lucky Charms. And also me cereal. Hi-yo! Drink responsibly, folks, and remember, stealing a cop's horse is technically not a form of designated driving. No matter how many carrots you feed it at the strip club which, seriously, I still don't get.

NOTE:: The above photo is Pete Doherty. To anyone who thinks it's actually me, wow, I've never been so insulted in my life. Even that one time I made love to a woman and she laughed afterwards then called me Two Seconds McTinyBalls III.