Apr 3 2009Levi Johnston: 'Sarah Palin knew Bristol and I were having sex'
- Levi Johnston tells Tyra Banks Sarah Palin "probably knew" he was having sex with Bristol because they shared a room. Wow. Have you actually spent time with this woman? Because you'd know she thought you were just praying. Or loading an assault rifle. Either one. [Just Jared]
- Britney Spears' stop at a Dallas nightclub ends with employees being threatened if they talk to the press. Great, now we'll never know how many people her vagina killed. But I'm guessing eight. [Radar Online]
- Zach Braff and Dax Shepard are now virtually interchangeable. Who didn't see that coming? Including the blind. [Best Week Ever]
- Ben Affleck taught his daughter Violet how to swear in German. Yeah, well, Britney Spears lets her kids use the car to pick up smokes. Try again, Daredevil. [I'm Not Obsessed]
- Hugh Jackman's quasi-visible ass in Wolverine. Now I'm really excited to see this movie! I mean, a guy I know is. The, uh, Writerficial Super. Yeah, him. [Pink is the New Blog]
Jan 14 2009Jennifer Garner & Ben Affleck's new baby's name proves I'm 33.3% omnipotent
Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have revealed their new baby girl's name to the folks at People, and it's Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck - which sounds oddly familiar. Hmm, let's take a look at the post some handsome devil wrote when the baby was born:
I happen to have the name of Jennifer and Ben's new baby girl right here. It's "God, I Wish You Were a Viable Acting Career Instead of a Baby Elizabeth Affleck."
Yup, it's official: I'm psychic. Of course, I already knew that and will now predict today's PowerBall:
4, Panda bear, F7, &, Burrito with a jetpack, 6, Elmo.
I'll be in touch to discuss my cut of the winnings. I know where you live.
Continue Reading "Jennifer Garner & Ben Affleck's new baby's name proves I'm 33.3% omnipotent"
Jan 7 2009Jennifer Garner has a baby girl
Hey, remember Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck? Me neither, but apparently they had some sort of kid yesterday, according to People:
The actress's rep says: "Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck gave birth to a healthy baby girl."
The baby was born Tuesday in Los Angeles. No other details were immediately available. Garner and Affleck, both 36, are also parents to daughter Violet, 3.
Since I'm devilishly handsome, I happen to have the name of Jennifer and Ben's new baby girl right here. It's "God, I Wish You Were a Viable Acting Career Instead of a Baby Elizabeth Affleck." Now that's adorable. Congratulations, you crazy kids.
Jul 18 2008Jennifer Garner is definitely pregnant
Apparently, there's much speculation over the state of Jennifer Garner's uterus. I, on the other hand, forgot she even existed. However, I can now report a Ben Affleck sperm has indeed collided with her egg. Jennifer's Alias co-star Victor Garber confirmed the news to Us Magazine proving his ability to keep a secret is pretty fucking weak:
"Yes, she is," Garber - who officiated the couple's 2005 wedding - told Us when asked if recent speculation was true that the couple is expecting.
A source adds, "She is five months pregnant. They are very happy."
Now Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner will have something to do while they're not acting. Christ, when's the last time one of them was in a movie? Hold on, I just remembered Daredevil. Searing pain.... Want to die.... And, phew! Made it. Yeah, in hindsight, this is AWESOME news. They should shoot for a third one right away. Actually, you know what? Fuck it. Adopt! Just scoop some kids up from a day care and go all Brad and Angelina. I hear it's a blast. Ha ha! Please don't act again.
Feb 26 2008Ben Affleck and Jimmy Kimmel have intercourse
During his post-Oscars show, Jimmy Kimmel aired his rebuttal to Sarah Silverman's hilarious video "I'm Fucking Matt Damon." What you're about to see is the star-studded video for "I'm Fucking Ben Affleck." And, seriously, this thing has everybody: Brad Pitt, Harrison Ford, Robin Williams, McLovin and classically-trained Josh Groban belting out the chorus which for some reason cracked my shit up. It also unfortunately has Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, so my apologies. Anyway, enjoy.
Jul 6 2007Jennifer Garner is afraid of the sun
Jennifer Garner spent her Fourth of July surfing with Ben Affleck in Hawaii. Maybe surfing isn't the right word here. It looks more like a 'being pale' contest, and Jennifer is totally beating everybody in the entire world. When I first saw these I thought she was being played by a ghost. Then I got scared and hid in my closet for two hours. I mean, uh, I didn't get scared. What I meant to say was I flexed and then my shirt ripped off because my muscles are so big. True story.
