Aug 14 2009Ashton Kutcher Wants YOU to See His Spread
Ashton Kutcher's new movie Spread opens today, and it involves women. In bikinis. Yet somehow it's not a biopic about the life of me. How does that even happen?
Spread in Theaters August 14th.
Aug 12 2009Mila Kunis hates talking about Ashton Kutcher
Seen here in the September issue of Details, Mila Kunis is apparently the world's sexiest geek who also hates talking about Ashton Kutcher. -- I want you:
Video games. Greasy tacos. Wisecracks about scoring government-sanctioned weed. Meeting Mila Kunis gives you a glimpse of what might've happened if the Phoebe Cates character in Fast Times at Ridgemont High had somehow spawned a child with Jeff Spicoli. ("On top of all that," MacFarlane says, "she's a Star Trek nerd, which you don't often see in somebody that hot.")
Since her 1998 breakthrough in That '70s Show, she's become a natural casting choice for edgy, dude-friendly comedy like Family Guy and Judd Apatow's Forgetting Sarah Marshall. "She has a rock-solid stomach when it comes to humor," MacFarlane says. "She's never refused to do a joke." Only one conversational topic seems to make her wince: the chronic media drool over the tallest of her costars from '70s. "Yesterday," she says, "a woman asked me, 'So! Was Ashton a prankster on set?' I went, 'Oh my God. For real?' That's when I know the interview's going sour--when they ask me what it was like kissing Kutcher. The show's been off the air for four years. It's just no longer cute or funny."
No, really, I meant what I said. I want you. I will settle down. Have children. Keep copies of Reader's Digest in the bathroom. Watch golf. Mow the yard. Remain emotionally distant from our kids. Go to church. Wear a polo shirt tucked into khaki shorts. Write checks at the grocery store. Become a vacant shell of a person who's only joy is meatloaf dinners. Basically I'm ready to mature as person by quietly dying inside. Baby.
(Top that, Culkin. FACE!)
Enlarged Version After the Jump
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Aug 7 2009Ashton Kutcher defies God's will, escapes death
Ashton Kutcher, who's apparently in Boyz II Men now, and Demi Moore's plane had to make an emergency landing yesterday in Vegas after their engine overheated, according to People:
The two were flying to New York following the Las Vegas premiere of Kutcher's latest movie, Spread, at the Palms Casino Resort. Neither actor was injured.
Moments after the sudden landing, Kutcher reported the incident on Twitter, writing, "My plane just had to do an emergency landing. Engine over heated. Fire engines everywhere good times." He later posted an update saying he was "happy to be alive" and adding that he wanted to celebrate at the Turtle Bay Bar.
Dammit. So close. Granted, Demi Moore would've been lost in the wreckage, I like to believe that after $85 billion of cosmetic surgery she'd at least be flame retardant by now. Then again, in all likelihood, she's probably the exact opposite and would light up like a Christmas tree around the tiniest of flames. "How 'bout some candles, baby? OH MY GOD YOU'RE MELTING!"
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Jun 9 2009Ashton Kutcher is kind of a dick
So Ashton Kutcher posted the following tweet yesterday in regards to David Carradine:
Remind me to never asphyxiate myself while masterbating in bangkok. It just confused people.
@Whoever this tweet was aimed at: Ashton just called and said "Nevermind. Please remind me to masturbate in Bangkok and die in the process bringing some small semblance of sense and justice to the world. Which reminds me, make sure that guy from The Superficial has lots of sex with Demi Moore and/or touches her boobs because I'm the real Ashton Kutcher and thus decree these events transpire in perpetuity."
Thanks to Nick who will verify the validity of this statement. (Don't be a hero.)
May 10 2009Ashton Kutcher wants, no, needs you to love him
Because that would suggest intelligence, Ashton Kutcher apparently doesn't get it when he's being Punk'd himself, according to Page Six:
Buzzfeed.com co-founder Jonah Peretti recently posted an audio clip in which he pretended to be an overzealous fan upset when Kutcher, an avid Twitterer, didn't respond to a Twitter message from Peretti. But when Kutcher heard the audio, he took it seriously, and even called to apologize. In the two-minute voicemail, Kutcher said, "I want to ask for your forgiveness because I don't like having ill will."
Dear Ashton Kutcher,
I'm offended by your continual breathing of oxygen. Please remedy this ill will post haste.
Sincerely,
The Superficial Writer
P.S. There's also a lot of ill will about your wife not sitting naked on my desk. Just throwing that out there.
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Apr 20 2009Spencer Pratt calls out Ashton Kutcher
On the heels of his Twitter victory over CNN, Ashton Kutcher has received a new challenge by Spencer Pratt which raises the question, Is there an "ignore" button on Twitter? Us Magazine reports:
"Ashton had a huge head start, but I believe in my Twitter family," Pratt, who currently has 194,048 followers on the social networking site, tells Usmagazine.com.
"From the moment Ashton accepts my challenge, assuming he's man enough to do so, whoever adds the most new followers in 30 days wins."
What are the stakes for their May 17 deadline?
"If I win, Ashton and Demi [Moore, his wife] have to wash my car," he says.
If he loses to the Twitter pro, who now has 1,093,794 followers, Pratt adds that "Heidi [Montag] and I will clean their house."
If I were Ashton Kutcher, I'd accept Spencer's challenge knowing full well I'd crush him then rent a pack of donkeys to shit all over my house. But that's just me and my devotion to good sportsmanship. I should coach little league or something. Mold me some young people.
Apr 17 2009Ashton Kutcher wins Twitter War
Seen here on the set of his new movie Five Killers, Ashton Kutcher has officially won the Twitter race to acquire 1 million asshats. He beat out CNN and Britney Spears who were in first and second place respectively at the start of the contest. People reports:
For the past few days, he'd been locked in a race with CNN's breaking news feed -- (@cnnbrk), but just before midnight Thursday he became the first "Twitter millionaire." Around 1:30 he tweeted, "Victory is ours!!!!!!!!" and posted a twitpic of the win.
Kutcher says he's donating 10,000 mosquito nets to the medical charity Malaria No More to celebrate, and the video-game publisher Electronic Arts says the millionth follower will become a character in "The Sims." Plus, there's the promised ding-dong-ditch of Ted Turner's Atlanta home to look forward to!
While the fact that more people follow Ashton Kutcher's twatting than actual events in the real world should make me want to retreat to a bomb shelter, all I have to say is "Fuck yeah, job security!" In the meantime, sincere condolences to civilization. Good game.
Apr 15 2009Ashton Kutcher vs. CNN: The End of Civilization
Ashton Kutcher has challenged CNN to see who can be the first to reach 1 million Twitter followers. The news network currently sits at 937,000+ followers with DoucheNozzle McGillicudy slowly gaining at 888,000+. The AP reports:
The 31-year-old actor recently threw down the gauntlet, challenging CNN and its founder, Ted Turner. In a Web video posted earlier this week, Kutcher said he would ding-dong-ditch Turner's house if he beat CNN to 1 million. (For those unfamiliar with the classic adolescent prank, ding-dong-ditch is when you ring someone's doorbell and run away.)
"I find it astonishing that one person can actually have as big of a voice online as what an entire media company can on Twitter," Kutcher said in a video he posted on qik.com. "I just thought that was kind of an amazing comment on the state of our media."
Before everybody starts freaking out at the shockingly evident decay of society as a whole, I should point out that Ashton is still in 3rd place for reaching 1 million Twittees. BEHIND BRITNEY SPEARS. Okay, now start freaking out. Who's up for some looting?
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