Jun 29 2009Madonna and the newest addition to her child army

Here's Madonna and Mercy, her latest adopted daughter from Malawi, in London yesterday, and don't be fooled: They want you to think they're getting into a car when, in reality, Madonna will wait for the opportune moment to sprout wings and alight upon the steeple of a church where she'll feed on stray birds and the sins of others. On a related note, anyone else surprised to see Madonna has a reflection? Never would've called that one.

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Jun 21 2009Madonna doesn't dick around

Within a week of the Malawi appeals court's decision, Madonna has already absconded with three-year-old Mercy to London, according to the AP:

The airport employee, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to discuss the matter, said 3-year-old Chifundo "Mercy" James left late Friday headed to London, with a stop in neighboring South Africa. The girl, the second child Madonna has adopted from Malawi, was reportedly accompanied on the flight by a nanny, a child nurse and a third aide.

I'm going to assume Madonna stopped in South Africa and murdered a man just to prove to the entire continent she's not bound by the laws of mortals. Also, they have that face creme she really likes.

Jun 12 2009Madonna bends Malawi adoption court to her will

Early reports that Madonna would win her appeal to adopt three-year-old Mercy turned out to be true after all. The Malawi appeal court ruled in Madonna's favor this morning, according to E! News:

Reading from the three-judge panel's ruling, Chief Justice Lovemore Munlo said Madonna's interest in helping Malawi orphans--she founded Raising Malawi, a charity that helps feed, educate and provide medical care for them--should have been taken into account when the lower court made its decision.
"We find the judge in the lower court to have dwelled so much on media reports on the issue of residence, and to us this was not evidence enough to deny Madonna a chance to adopt Mercy James," Munlo said, according to Reuters. "We therefore grant Madonna the adoption order."

For those of you wondering what happened to Mercy's father who wanted to raise her after learning she wasn't dead, he's enjoying his brand new khaki shorts, and more importantly, no longer lives in fear of having his soul devoured in his sleep. Provided he makes an annual goat sacrifice to his death-handed master.

Jun 9 2009Madonna's Malawi adoption approved

Madonna has convinced (Let's assume bribed.) three appeal judges in Malawi to allow her to adopt four-year-old Mercy, according to The Sun:

A source there said yesterday: "The paperwork is being typed up now. All recommendations are in favour of the adoption taking place. Mercy should start packing her bags. She's off to America."
A close friend of Madonna said: "She's ecstatic. She made a promise that she wouldn't give up on Mercy and, believe me, she could move mountains when she's this determined."

Funny her friend said that because Madonna actually threatened to move an entire mountain on top of Malawi. Along with blotting out the sun and transforming herself into a venomous asp that would devour the harvest. She loves kids!

May 3 2009Madonna's adoption efforts get F'd in the A

Madonna's attempts to adopt four-year-old Mercy from Malawi took another kick in the nuts when the girl's father appeared on The Early Show to say he plans to raise Mercy. People reports:

"I want to take care of her, and I'm capable of taking care of my baby," James Kambewa told CBS's The Early Show in an interview to air Monday, the same day the court will hear Madonna's appeal of the rejected adoption.
"Mercy, she is a Malawian, so [I] need her to grow as a Malawian ... with our culture," he said.
The hearing in Madonna's appeal case will be led by the head of the judiciary in Malawi. The southern African country's High Court had previously rejected her application to adopt Mercy Chifundo James.
In his interview, Kambewa tells The Early Show that he's never met his daughter and has only seen her "in newspapers and TV, not face to face."

Jesus. At this point, the only thing worse that can happen is David Banda telling Madonna makes him wear a tuxedo at home and call her "Massa'." While tap-dancing.

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Apr 13 2009Madonna wants that kid

Madonna is still determined to get her claws on a four-year-old Malawian girl, Mercy, and has resorted to her most devious form of sorcery: E-mail. Us Magazine reports:

"I want to provide Mercy with a home, a loving family environment and the best education and healthcare possible," she e-mailed Malawi's Nation newspaper in response to its questions. "And it's my hope that she, like David, will one day return to Malawi and help the people of their country."
Madonna, 50, continued: "Though I have been advised that I cannot publicly discuss the pending appeal regarding my desire to adopt Mercy, I do want to say how much I appreciate the level of support that I have received from the people of Malawi and my friends around the world."

Madonna has also promised to not leave the Necronomicon out on the coffee table which adoption officials say "is a step in the right direction" but there's still "deep concern about the three-headed dog issue."

Apr 7 2009Madonna gets fully screwed out of adopting Mercy

Madonna just got extra screwed by Malawi. Turns out the father of the four-year-old girl she was trying to adopt has surfaced and wants to raise her. He assumed Mercy died with her mother, but thanks to Madonna's visit, he learned she's still alive. People reports:

The young man, James Kambewa, tells PEOPLE he didn't even know his daughter was alive until her name surfaced in the Madonna adoption case. Now a security guard, Kambewa says he learned the girl's mother, 15-year-old Mwandida Maunde, had died - and assumed their child was dead too.
"Now that I know [Mercy] is alive I am willing to support her," Kambewa says. He and Maunde were both high school students when they conceived the child. "Her parents were furious that I had messed up their daughter. They caused hell for me so I left town," says Kambewa.

Hey, these things happen, and I'm sure Madonna will take it like an adult. Not counting she's up on her roof with a giant black cauldron and a dragon. Besides that.

EDIT: Added some pics of Madonna in London last night. Whee.

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Apr 5 2009Madonna flees Malawi, vows revenge

After her bitchin' party didn't garner the immediate adoption rights to four-year-old Mercy, Madonna fled Malawi this morning on her private jet. The AP reports:

Police roadblocks prevented reporters from approaching the airport but one police officer said Madonna carried David, her adopted Malawian son, up the steps of the Gulfstream jet.
It was bound for London's Gatwick Airport, air traffic officials said, speaking on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to speak to journalists.

During take-off, onlookers reported a man in a fedora swinging from the landing gear with a whip. He was also heard yelling "That woman belongs in a museum!"