Sep 3 2009Olivia Wilde hawks perfume and other news
- Michael Jackson's funeral was today. I wonder what it was like when they found out his gravestone dispenses candy. Hmm... [PopEater]
- Salma Hayek flipped out last night at a restaurant when all the outdoor seating was taken even though she didn't have a reservation. Did any of this cause her breasts to shrink? No? Carry on. [Lainey Gossip]
- Kate Beckinsale is hot. I don't say that enough. [PopSugar]
- Janice Dickinson found a man willing to kiss her old, collagen lips without cash changing hands. [Celebslam]
- Ashlee Simpson talks about raising Pete Wentz's spawn on The Today Show. [Just Jared]
- Tori Spelling denies reports that Dean McDermott is only married to her for the money. Clearly it's for the sex. Because who doesn't enjoy banging a sickly, middle-aged woman with implants? And she even had kids. Score! [Socialite Life]
- Kelly Osbourne wants kids to stay off tattoos. Hey, doesn't she know educating kids is for commies? Oh, wait, that only counts if you're a black president. My bad. [ICYDK]
- Kim Cattrall is still a cougar. [Splash News]
- Cate Blanchett goes back to work after getting brained on stage by a co-star and pretty much makes Jeremy Piven look like a giant vagina. [Parade]
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Apr 29 2009Scarlett Johansson has 'Best Celebrity Breasts'
In probably the most prestigious competition conceived by man, Scarlett Johansson has been declared the owner of the "Best Celebrity Breasts" by Access Hollywood. Here's how others ranked in cleavagey fortitude:
1. Scarlett Johansson
2. Salma Hayek
3. Halle Berry
4. Jessica Simpson
5. Jennifer Love Hewitt
At this time, I'd like to sincerely thank Scarlett's breasts for getting me through The Spirit. If not for her ample bosom, I would've removed both my eyes instead of one. Also, I look pretty bitchin' with an eye patch.
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Apr 26 2009Salma Hayek weds in front of other people this time
Christ. Who didn't have a wedding this weekend? Salma Hayek tied the knot with French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault on Saturday in Italy. Despite having a daughter Valentina Paloma together, the couple called off their engagement last year but ended up getting married in a civil ceremony in February. Us Magazine reports:
The two wed Saturday on the second floor at the Teatro La Fenice, an opera house in Venice, Italy.
Guests arrived by boat, with Venitian masks covering their faces. Among the celeb attendees: Penelope Cruz and beau Javier Bardem, Ashley Judd and Antonio Banderas and wife Melanie Griffith. Woody Harrelson and Edward Norton, Hayek's ex, were also spotted in Venice.
The weekend celebration began Friday with a rehearsal dinner at the historic Punta Della Dogana. Guests at the masked ball included French president Jacques Chirac and wife Bernadette and Charlize Theron and boyfriend Stuart Townsend. A farewell brunch is set for Sunday.
I included pics of the happy couple leaving the ceremony last night, and Salma getting on a boat this morning. But those are mostly to remind people she has awesome breasts.
Is there such a thing as too much journalistic integrity? -- Nah.
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Feb 16 2009Salma Hayek gets married
Salma Hayek married her on/off billionaire boyfriend, and the father of her daughter, Francois-Henri Pinault on Valentine's Day, according to the AP:
An official at the City Hall in Paris' 6th arrondissement says the Mexican-born actress wed French magnate Francois-Henri Pinault in a civil ceremony there Saturday. The official was speaking on condition of anonymity, in accordance with policy.
This occasions marks the last time Francois-Henri Pinault says he'll rip up the pre-nup "the day you run off and breast-feed a random baby in Africa." She was on a jet five minutes later. PWNED, Frenchie!
Feb 11 2009Salma Hayek's breasts are heroes
While on a humanitarian mission for UNICEF in Sierra Leone, Salma Hayek came across a hungry baby and took immediate action - with her breasts. Angelina Jolie, you should probably be taking notes here. NY Daily News reports:
Hayek, 42, discovered the child, whose mother was unable to produce milk, during a tour of a hospital in the war-torn country.
"The baby was perfectly healthy, but the mother did not have any milk," she later recalled to USA Today. "He was very hungry - I was weaning my daughter Valentina, but I still had a lot of milk, so I breastfed the baby."
"You should have seen his eyes," she said. "When he felt the nourishment, he immediately stopped crying."
I think it's time we, as Americans, recognized true heroism and put Salma Hayek's breasts on the one dollar bill. This will allow me to not only tip a stripper, but inspire her to use her breasts for the greater good. (After my lap dance, of course.) I just care about the children.
Video after the jump.
Nov 12 2008Salma Hayek has the world's luckiest infant
It can be tragic when a promising entertainer falls prey to the clutches of addiction. This totally isn't one of those instances. Fox News reports:
Salma Hayek may soon need rehabilitation for an addiction.The actress, who gave birth to daughter Valentina in 2007, says she can't stop breastfeeding.
She said: "I'm like an alcoholic. It is like, I don't care if I cry, I don't care if I am fat, I am just going to do it for one more week, one more month, and then when I see how much good it is doing her and I can't stop."
The 42-year-old also said breastfeeding does not helps mothers shed post-pregnancy weight.
She told Style magazine: "The myth that says you lose all this weight when you breastfeed! That is so not true! It's like, please, will everyone stop telling me I look really well."
Hayek is lucky that she has a daughter, because if she had given birth to a boy, she'd understand the real meaning of breastfeeding addiction.
SALMA: Dammit, let go! Enough already!
SON: *slurp* No!
SALMA: Really, this has to stop. You're getting too old for this!
SON: *glug* Nuh-uh!
SALMA: Please, son; my nipples feel like they've been scoured with a Brillo pad. Besides, I don't think this is making a positive impression on your college admissions officer.
COLLEGE ADMISSIONS OFFICER: Me? No, I'm fine with it.
SON: See? *gurgle* Just chill, Mom; you're being really uncool right now.
SALMA: Ay-yi-yi. I don't know why I ever decided to have a ki—OWW! Could you at least shave your beard? The bristles are scratchy!
SON: *smack* Can we talk about this later? I'm busy now...
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Nov 10 2008Salma Hayek has a keen fashion sense
Salma Hayek attended the 2008 Hollywood Domino tournament last night in Manhattan which she presumably thought was a costume ball. Otherwise, you got me on the "East German Princess Leia" look. On that note, goddamn, Salma Hayek is one solid woman. If I ever got locked in a bank vault with one celebrity, it'd be her. Solely for the fact she could pummel our way out using only those breasts. But only after she renders me unconscious for trying to repopulate the planet - which I still maintain wouldn't be such a bad idea. Won't somebody think of the children?!
Oct 11 2008Salma Hayek has an ass on her chest (It needed to be said)
Salma Hayek filmed scenes in Brooklyn yesterday for her upcoming cameo on 30 Rock. Judging by these photos, they're going to need to debut the episode in fucking IMAX. Even then people will walk out saying "Needs more screen." Except me; I'll be using suction cups to begin my ascent of Mt. St. Boobies until the fire department hoses me down. I'm a film lover.
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