Nov 2 2009Ryan Seacrest's stalker was Special Forces. Sweet!
Ryan Seacrest's knife-wielding stalker who was arrested at E! Studios Friday is apparently a highly trained killing machine for the Army which issued a public apology to the radio host today. TMZ reports:
TMZ just spoke with Lt. Col. Nathan Banks, an Army spokesperson, who told us: "We apologize to Ryan Seacrest. Pending the outcome of the local investigation, the Army will decide what further action to take. We take all matters of our personnel seriously."
As TMZ first reported, Chidi Uzomah is currently a member of the U.S. Army reserves -- and is assigned to a special forces unit. Translation -- he's a very dangerous man.
Obviously this proves the Pentagon is engaged in a vendetta against Ryan Seacrest for producing Keeping Up with the Kardashians and, of course, they found a way to fuck it all up. So listen up, Washington, I don't pay taxes for pansy stealth operations, I pay taxes for people to use tanks. Now let's finish this thing and get our boys home. USA! USA! USA!
Jun 19 2009Kendra Wilkinson has a bachelorette party
- Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper had a conveniently photographed date last night. Somewhere Angelina is still not giving a shit. [Lainey Gossip]
- Ricky Martin has finally come out of the closet. The completely transparent one that might as well not even be there. [Celebslam]
- Heidi Klum is getting her own Barbie doll. -- Anyone know how many Barbies it take to fill up a standard size bathtub? No reason. [Pink is the New Blog]
- Angelina Jolie is just like a refugee mom. Only 100 billion times richer. [Just Jared]
- Nicky Hilton says Paris is "doing fabulous" after breaking up with Doug. And by fabulous she means Cristiano Ronaldo's penis. [ICYDK]
- Lindsay Lohan and Ryan Seacrest? Why not? He's secretly gay, and she's a fake lesbian. They're already not having sex like a married couple. [PopSugar]
Continue Reading "Kendra Wilkinson has a bachelorette party"
May 14 2009Shanna Moakler to Miss California: 'Stop lying.'
Instead of letting sleeping fake breasts lie, Shanna Moakler went on the offensive this morning against Carrie Prejean. Shanna called into Ryan Seacrest to explain why she resigned from the Miss California USA organization and stated she has no ill will towards Donald Trump. Via Sawf News:
Moakler says she was in agreement with Donald Trump at the press conference on Tuesday, during which he announced that Prejean would continue as Miss California, but seeing how things were playing out afterwards she decided to quit.
"The turning point for me was watching the Today show," Moakler told Ryan Seacrest during a phone in to his Morning Show on KISS FM on Thursday.
"She [Prejean] was sitting there continuing to lie...it is obvious to everybody that the lying is still going on. I just couldn't stand behind her," Moakler added.
Okay, this situation is getting way out of hand. Fortunately, I've come up with a solution that should satisfy all parties involved. Long, story short: Shanna, Carrie and I have a crazy three-way while Donald Trump cuts me a check for $1 million. Our nation needs to heal, dammit! (I'll be in the hot tub.)
Video of Carrie Prejean on Today After the Jump.
Continue Reading "Shanna Moakler to Miss California: 'Stop lying.'"
Jan 14 2009Ryan Seacrest tries to high five a blind guy
Here's a video of Ryan Seacrest trying to high five American Idol contest Scott Macintrye last night. Except, one small problem, Scott's blind. I wonder if his heightened senses allowed him to smell Ryan's epic levels of douche. Which would explain why Scott Macintyre spent the evening repeatedly asking if he was in a vinegar factory.
Thanks to Melanie by way of The Geekologie Writer who once asked a quadriplegic to play kickball.
Dec 22 2008Paris Hilton & Benji Madden still doin' it
Realizing no one outside of the free clinic will touch them, Paris Hilton and Benji Madden have started having sleepovers together, according to NY Daily News:
“They are completely still hooking up,” one source tells us, adding, “They aren’t exclusive, but they are still spending nights at each other’s houses.” Agrees a Hilton pal, “They speak literally every night on the phone.”
Well, at least we know Benji Madden isn't dating Britney Spears. That would require him to take his penis out of Paris Hilton - or would it?
NOTE: Yes, that's Ryan Seacrest in these photos finally hanging with the cool kids. But not really.
Continue Reading "Paris Hilton & Benji Madden still doin' it"
Nov 7 2008Britney Spears & Madonna. Whee.
Dear Ryan Seacrest,
Last night, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake performed in LA with Madonna - but not together as you had promised. Instead, Ms. Spears stood painfully still singing "Human Nature," while afterward, Master Timberlake appeared looking like the Artful Dodger's gay cousin Skippy. My only response to you, Mr. Seacrest, is "What in the hell?"
Like most of the civilized world, I had hoped the former lovers would reunite on stage reminding us of sweet innocence, and that time I masturbated to my roommate's Britney poster in college (Sorry, Kevin!). It would be a joyous celebration. Only to be interrupted by Madonna devouring their souls and proclaiming herself "Justney Spearserlake." "Justney" would then spend the remainder of the evening eating puppies and small children in the downtown area to the beat of "Lucky Star." In hindsight, perhaps my expectations were too high, but then again, I'm a music lover.
As a man of honor, I cannot let this travesty go unanswered. Therefore, I've retaliated in a way that will haunt even the darkest of your dreams, Mr. Seacrest:
I canceled your 10:15 tanning appointment - and seaweed wrap.
May God have mercy on us all,
The Superficial Writer
EDIT: Added video after the jump. You're welcome?
Jul 29 2008Ryan Seacrest gets bit by a shark, lives (C'MON!)
Ryan Seacrest apparently was bitten by a shark on Sunday while at the beach in Mexico. It must've been a tiny shark because Ryan barely even noticed and found the tooth later in his leg, according to Page Six:
"He didn't know what it was for a minute - he thought it was a stick," said one spy. "He had no time to be scared. He saw it swim away, he got out, took aspirin and called it a day."
Yeah? That's nothing. One time I got bit by a shark disguised as an alligator. Okay, maybe it was a mosquito, but in my mind it felt like an alligator who later revealed himself to be a shark, so that's what I'm telling people/chicks. Ball's in your court, Seacrest.
Apr 23 2008Tyra Banks, Ryan Seacrest eligible for Emmys
Good morning! There's nothing like waking up to a slap in the face by the fact that our country is barreling towards rampant retardation at friggin' lightspeed. The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences (I'll assume formed by Mr. Wizard) has announced that reality TV hosts such as Tyra Banks (above) and Ryan Seacrest are now eligible for an Emmy. Whoopee! The AP reports:
The award recognizes that reality TV has become "an integral part of television and our culture," John Shaffner, chairman and CEO of the TV academy, said in a statement Tuesday announcing the new honor.
Besides Seacrest of "American Idol," Mandel of "Deal or No Deal" and Banks of "America's Next Top Model," other potential nominees identified by the academy include Ty Pennington of "Extreme Makeover Home Edition," Jeff Foxworthy of "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" and Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris of "Dancing With the Stars."
If Jeff Foxworthy wins for Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?, then it's official; the terrorists have won. And I'm talking big time. Sort of like if the Harlem Globetrotters challenged Gary Coleman to a Slam Dunk Contest - but beforehand they tied his shoe laces together.
