May 22 2009Jon & Kate Plus Televised Marriage Counseling
- Jon & Kate Gosselin are letting TLC tape their marriage counseling sessions. You know what they should tape? The child support hearings. Mostly because I've always wanted to see the look of a man forced to pay $1 million/month and wear a court-ordered condom for the rest of his life. [Jezebel]
- Miranda Kerr in a bikini. Or at least part of her and Orlando Bloom, so we'll call it a draw. [The Blemish]
- Robert Pattinson's kiss went for $25,000 at the AmFAR benefit in Cannes. Dammit, Tom Cruise, that money was for the Children's E-meter Center! [Lainey Gossip]
- Fergie forgets to remove her Matrix tube. Must've been in a hurry to make out with chicks. With her penis. [Just Jared]
- Spencer Pratt just found out he has low blood platelets. That's fatal, right? Say "yes." [ICYDK]
- George Clooney sunbathing. Surprisingly absent? 500 topless cocktail waitresses. I looked up to you, man! [PopSugar]
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Feb 27 2009Orlando Bloom & Miranda Kerr ain't nothin' but mammals
Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom decided to show the world how two beautiful people make-out yesterday. Funny, this is absolutely nothing like the way I do it. Unless there was an exchange of money beforehand then, yeah, they pretty much nailed it.
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Jan 31 2009Orlando Bloom is expanding his range
Here are some shots of Orlando Bloom sporting tattoos all over his body and walking around topless in leather pants. And yeah, sure, I guess I could mention he's on the set of some movie, but then you probably wouldn't believe me when I tell you this is how he spends all his Fridays. Because this is how Orlando Bloom spends all his Fridays. Topless. In leather pants. Now where's my Pulitzer?
Nov 30 2008Miranda Kerr is keeping hope alive
Good news, everybody! Despite what the media has been reporting (what with its anti-single-supermodels agenda), Miranda Kerr is not—repeat, not—marrying Orlando Bloom. People reports:
A rep for Bloom's girlfriend Miranda Kerr is knocking down a report in the Australian media Sunday that the Pirates of the Caribbean star and the model are engaged.
"The story ... is completely false and misleading," the rep says. "Miranda herself has clearly stated she is not engaged. There is nothing else to be said."
But while they're not making marriage plans at present, Bloom, 31, and Kerr, 25, are still very much a couple, and Kerry recently spoke about someday settling down with a special someone and having kids.
Sounds like Orlando Bloom got punked pretty hard there. You just know that Miranda probably responded to his 1,000th whiny request to marry him with a, "Hmmm...maybe," then after he bragged to all his buddies and about it and leaked it to the press, she sent her publicist out there to shoot him down. She probably plays all sorts of similar pranks on him, like "Got your nose" and "Hid your medication." She just seems cool like that.
Jun 23 2008Miranda Kerr gets topless for Orlando Bloom
Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr and boyfriend Orlando Bloom hit up Gran Canaria, Spain for some topless action. I love how she's using a book to cover her fun parts. When I'm nude it requires the whole Encyclopedia Brittanica to cover my business. You know, once it loaded onto an iPod. I should really turn the AC down in my apartment. Yeah, that's gotta be it...
NOTE: Pics link to uncensored NSFW versions which include a Miranda Kerr nipple and, for the ladies/Geekologist, an entire Orlando Bloom buttocks. Who loves ya?
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Feb 28 2008Orlando Bloom has to clean up for Miranda Kerr
Apparently Orlando Bloom subscribes to the Britney Spears' School of Hygiene because his girlfriend Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr (above) wants him to quit being such a filthy bastard, according to Star:
"Miranda thinks Orlando is too smelly. Recently, she asked him if he could wash his clothes and perhaps shower more often."
When he's not working on a film, the Pirates of the Caribbean star, 31, "goes days without washing his clothes," adds the source. "He'll wear the same jeans for a week before he throws them in the washer. Same goes for his sweaters, T-shirts and socks."
It doesn't help that he sleeps with his dog, Sidi, and lets her slobber all over him.
If a Victoria's Secret model told me to take a shower in order to learn her secret (which better not be a penis this time), I'd be scrubbing down like there was no tomorrow. Mostly because I wake up every morning and roll around in the mud with my pet pig Hewey. I named him after my favorite singer: Jennifer Love Hewitt. But not because she's fat. I just respect her as an artist - who loves bacon.
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Oct 12 2007Orlando Bloom is a knight in shining armor
Orlando Bloom was involved in a wreck last night. After being cut off, he crashed his vehicle into a parked Porsche. He had two female passengers in the car that were both injured. Check out Orlando’s heroic actions immediately after the crash. TMZ reports:
In video taken immediately following this morning's accident, Bloom can be seen walking away from the scene, leaving two women -- one injured and bleeding -- in his smashed-up ride. Nice guy!After walking down the block, the paparazzi repeatedly advise Bloom to go back to the accident scene and "deal with it," saying that if he leaves, it could be a hit and run.
Despite Orlando exhibiting erratic behavior after leaving the Green Room in Hollywood, police are ruling out drugs and alcohol as the cause of the accident, according to TMZ:
Police tell us that they did not administer a blood alcohol test at the scene, and would not say if one was given at all. But, they insist he was not under the influence.
So basically what the police are saying is that Orlando wasn’t drunk or high when he left two chicks bleeding in his car. This evidence confirms a theory I’ve long held about Orlando Bloom: He’s a giant pussy. But, let’s be serious for a moment. Orlando, I’m here for you. If you want to take my world-renowned hero classes, the door is always open. But it’s not for the weak. If you’re uncomfortable using your raw sexuality like I do to battle famine, disease and killer robots, you can always check out amateur pottery down the hall. It’s conveniently located next to the ladies room which I hear you’ve been to quite often - to pee sitting down.
NOTE: The above video is of Orlando leaving the Green Door in Hollywood about 15 minutes before the accident.
Oct 2 2007Jennifer Aniston dating Orlando Bloom – or a guy with brown hair
The Sun has some crack reporters on their staff. I’m not sure if they’ve unearthed some legitimate celebrity gossip or just pulled stuff out of their ass. At any rate, they’re claiming Jennifer Aniston and Orlando Bloom were at a resort together in Mexico. Here are the details, I think:
Jennifer Aniston has been spotted holidaying in Mexico with a man that looks suspiciously like Lord Of The Rings star Orlando Bloom. Although the photograph is a bit vague, Hollywood gossips are excited about the prospect of a new A-list couple. The picture shows the former Friends beauty photographed sunbathing in a skimpy brown bikini while a topless toned hunk looks on admiringly. A fellow holidaymaker at the luxurious resort said: "They were trying their best to be discreet but it was clear they were together.”
So Jennifer Aniston is dating a man with brown hair. It might be Orlando Bloom or it might not be. You know what? I’m just going to start making stuff up too. This just in: Jennifer Aniston is dating oxygen. The two were spotted together at a downtown café. Onlookers couldn’t help but notice oxygen spending a large amount of time in Jennifer’s mouth before going deeper into her chest. Jennifer had an on/off relationship with Vince Vaughn but seems to have found herself a more aggressive lover in this Periodic Table of Elements star.
UPDATE: Captain America talks about his one night stand with Jennifer Aniston. Check back later for the saucy details.
